Gay that doesn't know what to do

Discussion in 'LGBTQIA (New Forum)' started by jazzmeister, Apr 18, 2016.

  1. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    People keep telling me that I should wait and not actively pursue someone and love will just come to me. The thing is, I've been waiting for a long time already but still no one. I've read in many articles that since I am gay plus I figured since I'm not handsome, not muscular, and not smart, that I have to step up and go find someone.

    Another thing is that from how I grew up, I wish to have a guy who is kind, smart, loving, and have a great body so for once, I can feel protected. For once, I have a solid rock to lean on. For once, I want to feel that I don't have to depend on myself solely.

    Is this wrong to feel like this?

    I'm going out of my mind out of loneliness. The guy I was dating, a guy who has a gf and told me face to face that if we were given the chance, he would go for me in heartbeat, hasn't been talking to me as much lately. He said that it was to protect what we have because his gf might find out. He recently told me that his gf is planning to work overseas. I'm scared he'll follow shortly and that will make it harder for us to talk and meet.

    I told him how i felt but then he hasn't talked to me again. It's almost 2 weeks now.

    I don't know what to do. I feel like my life's losing meaning day by day. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I feel that if i continue my life, I will only find loneliness and die alone. I feel like killing myself would actually save me from any further pain.
    Serein and Thauoy like this.
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Of course it's not wrong to feel like that!

    Have you joined any LGBT communities near you? What about online dating for gay men etc?
  3. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    There are no LGBT commmunities near me.

    I tried online dating but once they see me, no one stays with me. Some stay but only if I pay them. Most people won't even want to talk to me unless they just want to get their rocks off.

    They don't talk to me because I am not physically attractive. No one wants me and I feel no one will ever will.....
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum. It's not wrong to feel the way you do, it's human nature to crave the company of other humans. Have you tried ? I know a few people here that have had success with it. I think you should see a professional about your suicidal thoughts, it might help some bit. Know that you are never alone here (hugs)
  5. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    I don't know which is right. Be forward and actively pursue the person you like or wait for someone to pursue you.
  6. silis

    silis Active Member

    you should get a friend to do stuff with. if you are pursuing people, for relationships, then it means you dont have enough things/activities to fill your life with. friendships are good, relationships are bad. get a friend that has an interest in something you do. and hopefully they will one day emotionally support you.
    Yukon gold and brightlight like this.
  7. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    In my opinion, trying to find someone who will truly love and care us will make us more painful. Trying to be content with ourselves is the best.
    There are so many lonely single person in the world who are craving for love and emotional support. You are not alone.
    I think we should try to find happiness from other things in life. Best wishes.
  8. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    I really feel sorry for your situation. I myself is a lonely man. No friends or girlfriend my entire life. I really know how it is to feel lonely.
    But I think suicide is not the remedy to loneliness. Being born as a human is very precious. Please try to find some positive things about your life.
    May be your life is much better compared to millions of people who are homeless , who have no food to eat , who have no job, who are suffering from terminal illness etc.
    May be you can provide help and support to other struggling people.

    Please don't give up.
    walkerbait95 and brightlight like this.
  9. suzi

    suzi Well-Known Member

    Always "keep your eyes open", you know? I don't know you, but if you feel beautiful and confident, it will shine outward and be very attractive. You can fake this if you have to. If you are religioius, talk to God about it. Then put yourself out there and hang out with folks and do things you enjoy. (I'm sounding bossy. Yikes.)
  10. Whateverx

    Whateverx Member

    People talk nonsense so much that I sometimes question freedom of speech. You should pursue a person you like, life is too short and complicated.
    YOu can get muscular and smarter ;)

    ugh...or their relationship could break. He's probably not into you, but there are other people out there. You need to reach out.
  11. Flaxney

    Flaxney Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you should dedicate your time to pursuing self improvement? Focus on things that you can control and improve through effort. Chasing after the myth of a relationship magically providing meaning to your existence only ends in disappointment. Rely on yourself, strengthen your body and your mind, cultivate an interesting personality by pursuing various disciplines. Knowledge will not let you down but people will. Loneliness is difficult to deal with but you cannot allow it to define you.
    brightlight likes this.
  12. AnotherChristian

    AnotherChristian Active Member

    Hi jazzmeister. I realize you haven't posted here in a while, but I'll throw in my 2 cents regardless.

    It seems to me that you are putting the cart before the horse. I mean right now instead of focusing so much on finding a boyfriend, you should first just try to socialize more with people (including fellow gay guys) in general.
  13. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    Well it's kind of hard to hang out with gay guys at my locale. I'm not in a major city so not many clubs and stuff for meet ups. Plus most gay guys here are the flamboyant and effeminate (no offense to anyone) kind of gay. I just don't want to be treated any less than of a guy than any other guy. Sorry; I know I sound like a whiner and overly dramatic every time I post something.

    Just got a lot of my mind and I just wish that, for once in my life, I just wanted something perfect. I mean, right now:
    1) Stuck in a dead end job that I can't get out off for a few more years (lest I pay a huge su of money that I don't have)
    2) Some of the higher ups at my work have actually tried sabotaging me at work
    3) The management put me at some authority over a section I have no idea about, expect me to learn everything only in mere months with no increase in salary or benefits
    4) A lot of my so-called friends at work ran off with my money after I lent them some in the name of friendship making it hard to trust people at work.
    5) The guys I fell in love turn out to be money boys who just stayed with to get money from me
    6) My parents depend on me a lot since my younger brother is in a huge debt and my older brother is about to lose his job (the money he sent was used to pay for my younger brother's debt which is still not finished). This leaves me with little to no control over my finances and life. (they still treat me like a kid who can't stay out late, can't go out to drink). I had to work since High School to support our household utilities and my brothers' studies.
    7) Admitted by my professors, that I was just allowed to graduate from the University out of pity since I didn't do well with my final research paper in my undergrad studies.
    8) Not attractive physically and being a nice guy doesn't seem to matter in this day and age anymore.
    9) My family doesn't even know I'm gay and it's getting frustrating as they are sometimes pushing me to date their friends's daughters.
    10) It's getting sadder as I am seeing more of my friends getting married with one, pushing their wedding at an earlier date as his father is severely sick which made me think as well.

    I have my closest friends from high school. I love them to bits but they don't know I am gay or at least they don't outright say that they know I'm gay. Only one knows since he studies Sociology and I admitted through a survey his class asked me to participate in. I love hanging out with them; drinking, talking about video games and animes, singing karaoke, playing games and such. I'm scared that when the rest of us finish their studies and find work as well, we will see each other less and less. With my work and some not able to come at our meet ups due to work, family, or dates, finding a time when we are all together is getting harder and harder. They are my best friends and possibly my only true friends and if I lose them, I won't have anything left. My family has little to no interests in my interests and since they are going through a lot of religious stuff which doesn't really capture my fancy. All I have left will be my video games.
  14. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Dude. I don't mean to sound harsh but move the fuck out. Move to a new city where you can be yourself, get out from under your parents thumb with the finances, get away from the work stress, find someone who isn't a shallow cheating loser and make some friends. People don't sweat gay people these days so all this stuff you're tripping about is stuff that middle school age people are thinking about in regards to family finding out and shit, not 20-somethings. It's time to escape, brother.
    Grok and Thauoy like this.
  15. AnotherChristian

    AnotherChristian Active Member

    Sounds like your parents don't respect you very much, if they treat you that way while at the same time depending on you financially. Hard to completely appreciate the situation, not being there, but it might help us if answer this question: how do they speak of the money they get from you? As a loan? As rent for living in their house? Or something else entirely?

    BTW, do you live in the US?
  16. jazzmeister

    jazzmeister Active Member

    Rent for living in house I guess. To help pay the bills and stuff.
  17. Haxord

    Haxord Member

    I'm not going to say that being physically attractive is not something i care, it's not the most important thing but it helps... although with my experience, normally it's hard to find good/nice people
    So, for example, you could start working out, get some muscles no? At least that could bring some of your self-esteem up...
    Don't give up!! i'm sure there's someone out there for you :)
  18. Ryan PC

    Ryan PC Member

    I can appreciate what you're going through mate - its not easy. I grew up in a country town in Australia, not really what you would call gay-friendly lol. But one thing I wanted to say is that i have struggled with self-criticism about my looks before as i dont fit the gay norm of skinny tall and plastic-doll looks - but what you're saying to yourself about not being physically attractive isn't fact, its opinion, your opinion. And im sorry but your opinion on your own looks doesnt have the slightest thing to do with what other people see. Gay guys - like all humans - come in all shapes and sizes - and trust me from experience when i say that there is a group of people that are looking for exactly who you are - and that's not positivity - because i dont buy into positive thinking for the sake of it - its just my experience. Advice i have given to a mate who also thought like you're thinking right now was that it is not your job to say no to you. Its your job to go after what you want. And if what you want doesnt want you - that's their business. We need to learn to deal with rejection that comes to us all - but make them say no - stop saying it to yourself mate.

    This reminds me of the end of "Adaptation" (great movie) - I'll link the quote below - perfect example of being true to what you feel - love who you're going to love mate, if they dont love you back, that's their business, dont beat yourself up so much. The world beats us up enough - be kind to yourself.

    anyways...sorry for such a long message - the quote from the screenplay is this:

    Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.

    Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.

    Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.

    Donald Kaufman: I remember that.

    Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn't know at all. You seemed so happy.

    Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.

    Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?

    Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn't have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.

    Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.

    Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That's what I decided a long time ago.
    Yukon gold likes this.
  19. AnotherChristian

    AnotherChristian Active Member

    This is the first time in a while that I've been on here, so I'll start by saying the last two posts both make interesting points.

    Anyway I was just thinking, not that it's a competition about whose location makes it the hardest to meet gay people ... but if it was a competition I think I might win. Heck, where I am it's difficult to even find people who don't share the same religious views as the rest of the town.