Gender dysphoria, depression and relationships

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Eminenceofwinter, Jan 10, 2015.

  1. Eminenceofwinter

    Eminenceofwinter New Member

    I think about dying a lot, and the older I get the more it seems like the best option. I've always kept these thoughts to myself, never expressing this to anyone be it irl or online, and now there isn't really anyone left to talk to.

    I have severe depression and headaches, and I can't remember a time where I wasn't suicidal. I constantly feel embarrassed, especially when I think about my past. I grew up very isolated and I’m very antisocial. I try to avoid people and crowds, and have difficulty keeping a job because of it.

    I can't stand guys, and being one myself causes a lot of identity and self-esteem issues. I like girls a lot, and at times so much that I want to be one. It all seemed normal but now I just want to play dress up be it with me or another, and I’m very jealous I can't wear makeup/nail polish. There is a good chance transitioning into a female could help me find some type of self-identity and alleviate some of my self-loathing, but I don’t even have the courage to go into a store as a guy and buy a female wig just to see how it feels. Let alone the years and months I would feel uncomfortable during the transition phase.

    I could imagine staying a guy but I feel I would need a significant other to justify myself and help me feel content the way I am now and my continued existence. Although I have trouble imagining a straight woman accepting or clinging to me for who I am. I could put myself out there socially to find someone or use a dating site, but I feel like either being upfront about my issues or letting them come up later will make any sane person look elsewhere, setting me up for more discouragement towards life.

    Solving/coping with all of my issues feels a lot more painful than the comfort that could be brought on by forever sleep.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forums,

    The best advice I could give you is just be yourself, be who you want to be, no one has the right to dictate who you want to be or what you want to do so follow your instincts.
    How old are you now? Have you told anyone close to you how you feel? I know it's easy to say but don't be embarrassed because of who you are. There's nothing wrong with gay/lesbian/transgender, people are who they are. Do you try and do these girly things while alone, the make up etc..

    Do you know whats causing the headaches? Could it be tension/stress headaches?

    I wish you the best of luck and you will receive a lot of support here x
  3. Eminenceofwinter

    Eminenceofwinter New Member

    Thank you. No I haven't talked about this to anyone, over the years I got rid of a group of horrible friends, and now I'm quite isolated. I'm turning 24 quite soon.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Ah, just younger than me, I am 25. I think you should tell professionals how you are feeling? It is not as scary as it sounds. Once you have done it you will be glad you did.
    I'm am glad you got those not so nice friends out of your life, you do not need them :)

    By the way, it's nice to meet you~!!

    Lynn x
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum and I hope it helps you.
  6. Eminenceofwinter

    Eminenceofwinter New Member

    Likewise, great to meet you. Since I found this site I've been reading some forums, and you seem to be very astute and helpful.

    You're right about talking to professional, I guess what's been holding me back is the fact that they probably have heard it all before and I'm just another chump with issues. A lot of professionals might be desensitized to an individuals serious issues. Also I do a lot of reading about the psyche, and I would hate to come across as uppity to someone I need help/advice from.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thanks very much :)

    Yeah the professionals sure have heard it all before but each case is different and individual so it might help. I have also done tons of reading on that subject, that is how I find myself in a position to be supportive. It's such a real illness as a physical illness. Professional help really turned my life around. With strength, determination, therapy and medications I no longer suffer with depression and mine was quite bad so I hope you can do the same :)

    Anyways, look forward to reading more from you on the forums!! x