I think about dying a lot, and the older I get the more it seems like the best option. I've always kept these thoughts to myself, never expressing this to anyone be it irl or online, and now there isn't really anyone left to talk to. I have severe depression and headaches, and I can't remember a time where I wasn't suicidal. I constantly feel embarrassed, especially when I think about my past. I grew up very isolated and I’m very antisocial. I try to avoid people and crowds, and have difficulty keeping a job because of it. I can't stand guys, and being one myself causes a lot of identity and self-esteem issues. I like girls a lot, and at times so much that I want to be one. It all seemed normal but now I just want to play dress up be it with me or another, and I’m very jealous I can't wear makeup/nail polish. There is a good chance transitioning into a female could help me find some type of self-identity and alleviate some of my self-loathing, but I don’t even have the courage to go into a store as a guy and buy a female wig just to see how it feels. Let alone the years and months I would feel uncomfortable during the transition phase. I could imagine staying a guy but I feel I would need a significant other to justify myself and help me feel content the way I am now and my continued existence. Although I have trouble imagining a straight woman accepting or clinging to me for who I am. I could put myself out there socially to find someone or use a dating site, but I feel like either being upfront about my issues or letting them come up later will make any sane person look elsewhere, setting me up for more discouragement towards life. Solving/coping with all of my issues feels a lot more painful than the comfort that could be brought on by forever sleep.