I'm so confused and alone. I am bisexual. Even as a young child, I would be attracted to both men and women. This has not changed, and it never will. I am completely secure and comfortable with my sexual orientation. Ironically, my sexual orientation is not what is making me confused or upset in the slightest. I love being bi. What I'm having trouble with is my gender identity. I am a biological female. I really do love being able to embrace my feminine side. I'm very pretty and feminine looking, and I think I have an awesome body, with perfect curves and abdomen. (I'm sorry if this sounds conceited, I can be a bit vain, lol.) I also enjoy being creative with eye makeup and fashion, a lot. And I'd never want to give any of that up. But my whole life, I've been very tomboyish, too. Growing up, and all throughout my childhood, I would never display an interest in playing with girls, dolls, or anything like that. I liked playing with boys. During high school, I found myself identifying with men in many ways. Almost all of my friends are guys, and I would much rather spend my free time goofing off with them and maybe throwing a football around then sitting and talking with a group of girls. Girls don't like me very much. When I'm willing to get loud, obnoxious, dirty, and messy when hanging out with my guy friends, they shy away. And like my guy friends, I have a perverted sense of humor, and I'm kind of sexed crazed too, lol. When an invitation to an event says dress business formal, I wear a men's collared shirt and pink tie with a blazer and skirt when other girls wear very feminine blouses. But that's just not me. I could never imagine myself with male genitalia, but I wish I could switch to boxers and male underwear. I detest when guys treat me chivalrously because I want to be treated, not just with complete equality, but as an actual guy. Sometimes, I wish I were a guy so badly. I'd never want to surgically make that decision, but I wish that's how I were born to begin with. I love crossdessing. Love love love it. Dressing up in boy's shirts and jeans with boy's shirts and hats makes me feel so confident, and gives me so much satisfaction. It's the way I sit, too- I can't cross my legs, I need to spread them out, like a guy's. Sometimes, I fucking hate being a woman. I don't get treated with the same respect that I feel I would if I were a guy. I can be very tough and aggressive in critical situations, but I feel like it's not taken seriously, solely because of my gender. I've been going out of my way to suppress feminine mannerisms and make them more loose, jaunty, swaggering, casual, and male. And it feels right! Everything that I've learned in my psychology class indicates that I am often more like a guy than like a girl. Even the manner in which my depression manifests itself sometimes, the way I become moody, angry, aggressive, and insolent, makes me feel male. And I like that, because I hate being associated with anything female. But I can never turn my back on my feminine side, because I also like being a woman. Wearing skirts and putting on makeup also feels right. I think every human being has male and female attributes; we simply don't choose to embrace them in their entirety because we are restricted by rigid gender roles. I probably just acknowledge my gender diversity whereas most people don't. Still though...I feel incredibly isolated. I'm starting college in less than a month, and I am torn about my gender identity. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do! Some of my closest friends know and are totally supportive, but what about the rest of them? What of my family, and the world? I've never been one to care about what other people think, but you know what? I also never knew what bigender was, and that I qualified for it, until about a month ago. I understand why transgenders have such a high suicide rate. They feel like no one will love them. I feel like no one would love me, if only they knew. I feel like I should die because I'm a fucking freak. Why do I have to be like this? I could be a freak show on Oprah!