Gender Identity Isues, Isolated, Alone, and Wishing I Were Dead

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Jul 29, 2010.

  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I'm so confused and alone.

    I am bisexual. Even as a young child, I would be attracted to both men and women. This has not changed, and it never will. I am completely secure and comfortable with my sexual orientation. Ironically, my sexual orientation is not what is making me confused or upset in the slightest. I love being bi.

    What I'm having trouble with is my gender identity.

    I am a biological female. I really do love being able to embrace my feminine side. I'm very pretty and feminine looking, and I think I have an awesome body, with perfect curves and abdomen. (I'm sorry if this sounds conceited, I can be a bit vain, lol.) I also enjoy being creative with eye makeup and fashion, a lot. And I'd never want to give any of that up.

    But my whole life, I've been very tomboyish, too. Growing up, and all throughout my childhood, I would never display an interest in playing with girls, dolls, or anything like that. I liked playing with boys.

    During high school, I found myself identifying with men in many ways. Almost all of my friends are guys, and I would much rather spend my free time goofing off with them and maybe throwing a football around then sitting and talking with a group of girls. Girls don't like me very much. When I'm willing to get loud, obnoxious, dirty, and messy when hanging out with my guy friends, they shy away. And like my guy friends, I have a perverted sense of humor, and I'm kind of sexed crazed too, lol.

    When an invitation to an event says dress business formal, I wear a men's collared shirt and pink tie with a blazer and skirt when other girls wear very feminine blouses. But that's just not me.

    I could never imagine myself with male genitalia, but I wish I could switch to boxers and male underwear. I detest when guys treat me chivalrously because I want to be treated, not just with complete equality, but as an actual guy. Sometimes, I wish I were a guy so badly. I'd never want to surgically make that decision, but I wish that's how I were born to begin with.

    I love crossdessing. Love love love it. Dressing up in boy's shirts and jeans with boy's shirts and hats makes me feel so confident, and gives me so much satisfaction. It's the way I sit, too- I can't cross my legs, I need to spread them out, like a guy's.

    Sometimes, I fucking hate being a woman. I don't get treated with the same respect that I feel I would if I were a guy. I can be very tough and aggressive in critical situations, but I feel like it's not taken seriously, solely because of my gender. I've been going out of my way to suppress feminine mannerisms and make them more loose, jaunty, swaggering, casual, and male. And it feels right!

    Everything that I've learned in my psychology class indicates that I am often more like a guy than like a girl. Even the manner in which my depression manifests itself sometimes, the way I become moody, angry, aggressive, and insolent, makes me feel male. And I like that, because I hate being associated with anything female.

    But I can never turn my back on my feminine side, because I also like being a woman. Wearing skirts and putting on makeup also feels right. I think every human being has male and female attributes; we simply don't choose to embrace them in their entirety because we are restricted by rigid gender roles. I probably just acknowledge my gender diversity whereas most people don't. Still though...I feel incredibly isolated.

    I'm starting college in less than a month, and I am torn about my gender identity. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do! Some of my closest friends know and are totally supportive, but what about the rest of them? What of my family, and the world? I've never been one to care about what other people think, but you know what? I also never knew what bigender was, and that I qualified for it, until about a month ago.
    I understand why transgenders have such a high suicide rate. They feel like no one will love them.
    I feel like no one would love me, if only they knew.
    I feel like I should die because I'm a fucking freak. Why do I have to be like this? I could be a freak show on Oprah!
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I hear you and feel for you.

    I think its important to be true to yourself though. A lot of women wear mens clothes some times. If boxers are more comfortable, then feel free to wear them. If you want to wear those clothes and makeup, then that's ok too.

    You sound very self aware, but in some respects it sounds like you are over analysing ome aspects.

    If you are concerned about the way people might react could you maybe start 'low key' and 'work into' what you really want to wear, like over a period of time?
     
  3. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I've always been very tomboyish, hated anything girly, always dressed like a boy (and by that I mean jeans, tshirt, open button formal mans shirt over the top and big black heavy steel toe-capped boots), wanted to be a boy, always hung out with boys; basically all the same things as you said, but that was just who I was. You say yourself you wouldn't get surgery to change your gender, so you've already made the biggest decision in regards to your gender confusion.

    It's in your character to act, and enjoy feeling like a man. There's nothing wrong with that, as you say we all have attributes of both genders, most just don't tap into that because of a rigid society. I'm sure the people around you that are close to you are intelligent enough to notice that you often act, sit, and sometimes wear male clothes. They're still there, talking to you, caring about you. There's nothing to tell them to make them go off you. As for the boxers thing, they do girls boxers which are pretty much the same as mens boxers only slightly smaller and without the stitching around the crotch area, but if you really want the mens boxers then there's no problem with that either. It's not like anyone other than a lover is going to be seeing your underwear.
     
  4. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I know what your feeling, I've always Been a tomboy I use to have long hair but when I cut it and donated it my feel got deeper, I started really feeling like being more towards male, I contiplate taking testosterone, but don't want to be a Harry! Don't like having a chest. I identify as a lesbian as of now! It's hard to look at myself and feeling like it shouldn't be there! Or I'm missing other things! I go by Shawn to my close friends! But in other situations my birth name! Just be what makes you feel comfertable! It's hard to live sort of a double life! But u only live ones, live it how you want! If you ever want to chat pm me! You will be suprized how many people will be accepting!
     
  5. Pow

    Pow Well-Known Member

    I'm abit like that too but I was never confused about my gender.
    I think it's great that theres women like this, shows that we're gradually coming out of this stereotype people put on women.
    Once you go to college you find people are more open minded than people at high school and I think people start expressing themselves more so you might not be alone on that one.
    Also when you said about men not taking you seriously in critical situations, I have to disagree. I don't think gender has anything to do in critical situations but instead how charismatic and serious the person is.
    Just be yourself and let everything else fall into place, plus you have supporting friends so thats good.
     
  6. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I can relate to an extent. I relate better to men than I do other women, and have even been mistaken for a man by the way I type and think (for some reason...). I handle romantic and emotional problems like a man does, but I give advice like a woman. At least that's what people tell me. :B

    I seem be more in the middle though. I like being a woman, sometimes, but I also like being masculine, and I like being mistaken for one on the internet...kind of confused about it.

    There are people that feel just like you though. Try looking at Experience Project (or Share, I forgot which one). There's not many people like you, true, but you're certainly not alone either.

    You might also find this wikipedia article interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Androgyny and anything else under the "Identities" part on the right.

    Sorry if I'm being unhelpful, I'm not good at getting my thoughts through.
     
  7. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    I can relate. When I was younger I was a bit of a tomboy. I used to to want to be a boy as a child, I would sometimes tuck my hair under a baseball cap and walk around the park excited that people would think I was male :tongue: And I've been thinking about it lately, I like the idea of dressing as a man for a while, cutting my hair and all that. I would love to do that if only for a few months but it would be hard to explain to people I know.

    I also feel I get on better with guys a lot, I'm a bit of a music geek and it's hard to find girls who are the same, plus I feel there's always this competitive/bitchy/jealous thing around women which I don't enjoy. I just take people as they are however, I'm trying not to stereotype girls like that any more.

    You should accept who you are, the whole gender stereptypes thing is oppressive and mostly bullshitty anyway. Just express whatever you want to be, it's ok. You'll find people who don't care about that sort of thing, and often even if someone is close minded it's because they just haven't been exposed to something. Once they get to know you they may change their mind and think differently about the whole idea of gender. It's ok, it's interesting and it can be fun :)
     
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    There are many people who feel like you. My ex was one of them. There are trans/gender sites out there, that might make you feel less alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2010
  9. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much guys! You all gave great advice. When I posted this question, I was afraid that I wouldn't even find acceptance on a suicide forum. But apparently, I have been proven wrong. Thank you for making me feel less alone and that what I'm going through can be a bit less pathological than I felt it was before. It's a little less scary. I will check out those forums and projects that were suggested. It sounds like a good idea to search for a bigender/transgender community on the internet. At any rate, thank you again so much! It's greatly appreciated. <3
     
  10. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    We have people from many walks of life here. I'm glad this forum has helped you, even if it's only a little. :)
     
  11. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    Correct me if I am wrong but does liking boy stuff and dressing like a boy really make you trans gender? Forget the labels; just be yourself. If you find enjoyment spending time with men and doing "man stuff" then who is anyone to say that is wrong? Probably the worse thing that you may go through is being mistaken for a lesbian; but given that you are bi that shouldn't matter. Anyone, if I pissed anyone off by overgeneralizing I apologize; just have fun and be who you are.
     
  12. Dahak

    Dahak Well-Known Member

    You aren't a freak in any kind of way there are plenty of people who are genderqueer go on youtube or google and search the term genderqueer and you will find they're tons of people who are like you and can help you out.

    Lesbians4Lesbians.com said:
    Is it safe to say that the GenderQueer term is more of a revolution, stripping the classifications of any given stereotype and freeing yourself to be what ever, whenever you want, without stereotypical gender boundaries? And subsequently the term GenderQueer is all encompassing of any variation of the Mackenzie scale Gender? Its more of a revelation and an acceptance as being a GenderQueer and someone who doesn't necessarily accept that societal roles of Gender, or sees them as every changing?
     
  13. BukanAyu

    BukanAyu Member

    i know..how you feel..
     
  14. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Aw, you guys are the greatest. *GROUP HUG*
     
  15. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Shari. You're not a freak in any way. It just sounds to me like you have a higher than normal testosterone level, which causes you to like guys stuff and act like a guy, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you like wearing boxers or briefs then wear them. I personally like wearing thongs, but that's just me. :smile: