Generally suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DM138, Mar 31, 2014.

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  1. DM138

    DM138 New Member

    So I think I've finally decided to kill myself and I don't know where else to go. I made up my mind about a month ago and ever since then everyone seems to be commenting on how much better I seem to look, how I seem happier than I have been in a long time and how I look healthy. But every time I hear that or someone asks me how I am I want to just throw myself into them and cry and be honest, but instead all I can do is smile and lie. I hate my job, I hate my place in life, I hate every choice I've made that's gotten me here. I feel like a drain on everyone I know, none of my friends care about me and I just feel like a waste. I know the pain it's going to cause my parents and sister, but I can't help but feel that being an all around disappointment is going to be worse. I see everyone I grew up with doing amazing things and here I am, still in this town doing nothing. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to that won't lecture me or cry if I tell them what I am thinking. I just feel like I need to tell someone, even if it is anonymously over the internet. The worst thing is I've had a good life. My parents are together, I was never abused as a kid, I had a chance to go to college and come out almost debt free (an opportunity I squandered) but still I feel like I am worth nothing. I don't know, I just had to say it somewhere.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    i am sorry you are in such a low place right now. There is no criteria for depression - anybody can have depression and the lack of some great traumatic experience does not make it less real or easier to deal with. The fact you have been depressed for a while and it has not resolved itself simply means that you might benefit from some help treating it or dealing with it. I do not see any indication you have really talked to anybody at all about it from your post, much less got actual help with it. Talking to Dr or counselor and discussing treatment options would be a really good step now that you have reached out and told somebody (us) about it. It is like any other illness, if left untreated it tends to just get worse and worse and the long er it is before getting treatment the more difficult it usually is to treat.

    Aside from the depression effecting your self esteem and perception, it makes actually doing and accomplishing things 100x more difficult than somebody that does not have depression. Getting treatment may actually help you find the energy and motivation to begin to accomplish some of the things you feel you are behind in or failed at. If you had a sprained ankle or broken leg you would not think it strange that other could run faster than you - Depression is not a lot different when it comes to trying t keep up with intangibles like success and things that require energy and drive. Getting that controlled will help make up a lot of "lost time" and more importantly make you feel like it is worth it because happiness will not be impossible.
     
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