Genetically unlucky

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by andy21, Jul 21, 2012.

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  1. andy21

    andy21 New Member

    The title says it all. I'm genetically inferior to most of the population and I'm destined to suffer and die alone. I have had so many deseases and gone through so much pain, but parents/doctors kept saving me. I don't know what for, It was quite obvious I wasn't meant to have a normal life. I must've spent the better part of the childhood and school years in hospitals. I am now still a weakling, but on top of all - the unattractive one. Being only 5'2 and a 21y.o. guy with a long curved nose and skinny frame, you don't even want to know how embarrassing that is to be smaller than 99% of population and have hands/fingers shorter than girls. Everybody's towering over me ,so how can I not feel inferior?.. I am not made for love obviously. Living in a poor ex soviet country that's not even in EU isn't making it any easier. I was almost conscripted for the military service because it's manadatory and as there is always shortage of men they clutched onto me with full grip, trying to ignore all of the health issues that would've made me ineligible for service. Here laws are often broken and nobody cares. After going through numerous physicals, tests, procedures, verbal abuse and humiliation, I was saved again. But now that I'm broke and unemployed -it makes me wonder -what was it all for? Everyone in the family expected me to get education and earn 1$ an hour which is average here and be happy with that. I dropped out of uni because of severe anxiety and high tuition fees. The excruciating migranes attack my brain every second day and the painkillers don't always help. I look like a drug addict probably because of lack of food and too much medication. And how am I supposed to find the will to live after this? I must be exterminated and every day I find more and more courage to do so. Every time I told myself maybe it's worth living , life's been only taking turns for the worse. I have been hiding in the room for the last 2 years so that nobody would see this ugly creature. I've really got nothing to lose anymore, the only thing stopping me from suicide is the fear of death and more pain.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I can certainly understand the difficulty of living in severe and chronic pain - it makes everything worse and more difficult- particularly ans depression or other metal health issues - I wish I had an answer for that one but unfortunately I do not or would have used it myself some years ago.

    You have many challenges obviously - and few easy answers - but all I can say about them is the more difficult the climb the better the view when you get to the top.

    Remember without fail we are always our own worst critics and likely most see you more positively than you see yourself, it is small comfort i know but any little bit can help through trying times.

    I look forward to hearing more from you and following your progress so do not be a stranger okay?

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
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