posted here a couple of days ago. things got much worse since then. its become more apparent to me that im a waste of space. sitting with friends while their lives are going so well is just confirmation for me.people have tried to offer advice and support but i just dont accept it or act on it. Kept hearing songs today that remind me of him. my past life is gone. im dead inside already so what difference would it make if my body died as my soul is already gone. Ive always been someone to shy away from life and how fitting that i continue this pattern and just give up it all together. Clearly i deserve to suffer. i know im putting a strain on others, i need to release them from it. its a strange feeling wanting so much not to be here. Just feel a deep sense of regret and sadness. others have it a lot worse than me but struggle on, its a sign of their good character. me well im a total selfish, self centred person obsessed with their own pathetic excuse for problems. i just want to be like, get over yourself Lark suck it up and grind it out like everyone else, you're nothing special. But instead i dwell. well i dont want to anymore. to cease to exist seems like my best option. im no good to anyone. yeah someoVe loved me once but more fool them, but hey they are rid of me now. why cant i do everyone else a favour and get rid of me. dont know why i couldnt do it a few weeks ago. i was holdiVg on for something but that feeling is gone now. just want to be gone. hate myself so intensely more than i ever have before. if i could give my life to someoVe more deserviVg i would but it doesnt work that way. sleep is my only solace so an eternal sleep appeals. need to pack up all my crap and dispose of it. leave my room tidy so no oVe has to filter through it. dont really have any affairs to put iV order. crisis liVe. hospital, therapist, meds are not going to sort out my excuse for a life nor can they change the inherently bad person i am. do them all a favour lark and ship out. even if i go to hell then thats what i deserve. no god would have compassion for me nor will anyone else, why should they.