Get it??? **triggering**

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by itmahanh, Sep 29, 2010.

  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Control. Hitler found it by killing his "undesirables" and trying to rule the world. Lenin, to him it was leaving no choices to the people he ruled and holding a strict communist leadership. Control to others is sometimes less global. The husband who controls his spouse through physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Trainers who control animals by punishment and reward. Each one of these individuals loves to control, but feel no love nor give any. They may experience euphoria but not love.

    I too have control. It also brings a sense of euphoria. The feel of the cold blade. The refreshing touch of the alcohol. The momentary pinch of pain as the skin yields to the blade. The silk like sensation as the blood comes up and out over the skin. The satisfaction of controlling how deep to cut. And finally the sense of relief as all my anxieties drain out of me and fall to the floor with each drop of blood. Once it's over, I am able to love myself again. I have taken control of my demons for a short while.

    Hitler, Lenin, the husband etc. may be called crazy or demented. Most others look at me the same way. But who is to judge my way of taking control? I certainly do not physically hurt others. When I control I certainly do not feel better or superior to others. This is my grounding technique. What of the person who finds control from alcohol and then drives into another vehicle and kills someone? What of the individual who takes drugs then believing he/she is super human attempts a robbery and kills innocent people? What of the rapists and pedophiles? Even the Hitlers and Lenins? They all achieve control at the cost of others lives. Me, I am hurting no one. I do not force my ideals on anyone else. I am not breaking any laws. So why is it so important for others to judge me and tell me I am wrong for what I do.

    So be it. I am not a mentally healthy individual but cutting helps to keep some of my demons in check.

    So many aspects of my life are out of control. Cutting for the short term helps to put some things in perspective. It certainly does not eliminate any of my stressors or problems, but I do not know how I could carry on without the ability to cut.

    Some say, "you must feel guilty." I do not. Nor ashamed. I do not hide my scars. I do not flaunt them either. But they are a part of me, a part I choose. It is no different than the scars from body piercing or tattoos. When those individuals chose to pierce or tattoo it served a purpose for them. If they decide they no longer need these things, they are left scarred. Should they too then be made ashamed of their scars?

    When cutting is not enough, I start planning my suicide. It is not a cry for help but rather another poor solution. It does not scare me or upset me. Just as all the stressors are a part of my life and for the most part unchangeable, so is my will to cut and to attempt another suicide. I pray that in the rare instances I do find the strength to look for help rather than cut or make plans that the friends family and professionals take it just as seriously. I repeat over and over I do not want to die. I need to die. And so it is with cutting. I accept these things as part of my life and truly wish others would too.

    So about 10 years after I first wrote this as an answer to a pdoc, I found myself today being asked the same question. Find my life exactly where it was 10 years ago. Find myself precisely where I was in planning 10 years ago. Does THAT answer your question??????????????

    No one is every going to understand, most of
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    No matter how hard I try or what things I do..... I always end up back where all this suicidal shit began. I wanted to get past it. I wanted to get "better". I told them at the start I would try if it meant change for the better. I've wasted so many years in the effort, the work and the failed attempts. I cant waste another 10. I cant keep trying to find the silver lining on each cloud. There are too many black clouds for the light to filter through and shine to show any silver linings ever again. Too many times of being kicked in the ass and painfully crawling back up on my knees only to be kicked harder each new time. I cant get back up this time. I wont get back up this time. I haven't got any new tricks up my sleeve or any more last rushes of power or energy to offer. I'm just gonna stay down and die.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad to see you posting again my friend. It know it feels awful feeling like you stuck in one place I have had periods of where i feel strong only to end up back at the bottom again. I too have to decide whats the next move new meds i don't know. Have you tried ect i hope something come up soon. Haveyou tried saphris i have heard after years of suffering this med has given back life to people who have had no hope. i will continue to pray and hope something comes into play that will help you. take care my friend okay i know it is hard but please for your little one keep trying okay anything just try.