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get strong suicidal urges sometimes (my story inside)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by irishman, Feb 27, 2008.

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  1. irishman

    irishman New Member

    This is my story

    I lost my mum when I was 3 years of age, that's a really hard blow (no need to say sorry about losing her). Not sure how if affects me to this day, but it does somewhere, a lot. I have attempted suicide before. < Mod edit: Hazel > running to the river, with the police only stopping me. I also cut myself with suicidal intent before but wasn't successfull. I still have marks from that time (september 2006). Suicide is on my mind a good bit of the time. I plan how to do it, but I don't want to mention that cos it upsets me greatly. I am only going to say it involves strong pills and alcohol.

    I was bullied from primary school up to when I left seconday school (from around age 6 to 15), sure I can remember talking to children in nursery and being out and right ignored. I hate suicidal thoughts, but I can't help but think about them. I feel okay sometimes (am on medication) but when I get down I think about drowning myself in the river, or taking an overdose. I know that I have tried in the past and that I may do it again. No, WILL do it again if I am pushed, and I push myself a lot over small knocks.

    How can I help myself see the light, or at least, deal with being down without suicidal intent involved. I am thinking of drinking to solve the troubles, UNTIL I can see a counsellor and talk about stuff. I know that alcohol doesn't solve problems, but it brings relief (even the though of knowing you are gonna get drunk beings relief straight away) and relief is a VERY GOOD feeling. I also acknowledge that the drugs can only do so much, and that it why I wanna do things for my self, talking to a counsellor/psychotherapist. BTW techniques don't help me cos when I am down I feel just down. Talking helps, opening up, but I don't have a professional to talk to. The public health system only gives you tablets and tells to to leave :sad: no matter how big your problems.

    please help me, before I do something that kills me. :sad:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 27, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome. i'm in ireland, too, so i know something about the health care here, if you have any specific questions please feel free to PM me.

    do you have an appointment already with a counsellor? it can be a long wait, so any other supports you can get in the meantime will be good. i'm sad to say i attempted in december (i call it a "half" attempt but the mental health professionals don't like that LOL), anyhow i'm on the path to recovery now.

    yes, my family doc gives me meds, but even better he gave me a referral to the GF unit (psych unit) at cork u hospital. there i'm getting loads of support via their outpatient program.

    what i couldn't see at the time was that there's a huge difference between "hey, i'd like to work on these issues that are making me sad" (therefore i'll wait for counselling down the road) and "fuck it, i feel so down i'm gonna top myself very, very soon..."... if you are feeling as low as the second, don't wait for counselling. get some help now.

    i still don't have a therapist (on a wait list).... but i do meet weekly with the community psychiatric nurse - she just gives me ideas, and information on fighting depression and staying out of the river! (what is it about ireland that drowning is so tempting...i live only 4 minutes from the river so it's always in mind). she recommends books (i like to read up on what i'm facing) and we also chat on the phone. it's really down to her support that i didn't try a second time.

    anyhow, sorry for rambling. point is, there are more supports than you might imagine, even here in ireland. if your doctor won't refer you, or you don't feel comfortable talking to him or her try go to another doc. if it's an emergency just go to the hospital. it's no fun, but at least they'll keep you alive to fight anohter day,

  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    ps stay away from the booze. makes the river way too tempting after a night out... trust me, been there.

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