Get to die?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pina4et, Sep 27, 2010.

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  1. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    (sorry for my english, it's not my native language, but i can't find similar source in me lang)
    i just want to describe my situation, and my feeling. i didn't read a lot of posts on this forum, so maybe my state is quite usual
    in my mind exists some point of view, when nothing is sense, when everything is equal, and it seems to me as truth when i trying to be honest with my self, and maybe, it's only one thing which i believe, because, at least, it's easy to take, and quite logically, and in this case, all my life is moving from nothing to nothing. death looks for me as attempt to escape from this grey process. of course, my body want to stay me here, it just made so, and i want note it, i don't able to kill myself (at least now), i suppose i just don't have enough pain to break it. some conflict exists inside of me, it seems like, time to time, i trying to bring more pain to myself. i'm only one obstacle on the way to... i have never chose the life, why i can't choose the death? why it's so difficult? it's just yoke, yoke of nature. i don't want a pain, i don't want a pleasure, i just want stop this process... just let me go easily... okey :) maybe i just too lazy to live, well, then i enough lazy to solve it
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2011
  2. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    i still suffer the depression. sometimes i can divert it, by job for example, and maybe i'm even happy when i'm diverted. but the depression always came back, again and again. i'm tired. i'm lazy even for searching of poison. why it couldn't be bought in the drugstore? okay, i'm lazy, i'm stupid, i've a problem, and i do nothing to solve it, yes, that's it, but why i sould be a slave? okay, i'm slave of my own laziness and stupidity, and this is my fault, and nobody exept of me can solve it, at least i have to ask for the help, but i don't know, i don't want to do it, it's looks like my state is satisfied for me, if it do so, then why i feel this pain? then why i'm here and writting this message. well, probably i don't understand myself. however, i'm here becouse i have such feeling that i would kill my self if i when i'm at home i'm trying to escape to the video games, some times i'm escaping to the programming, sometimes to the sport, but generally to the video games, probably becouse it's easier option, my gf thinks that i'm gamer (however if i play then i'm really a gamer), but i do it not for fun, i do it to escape from the depression, actually, i do it for fun but only becouse then i'm diverted from depression, you konw, it like i'm at depression by default. at work i tries to do my work, and to don't think that all what i do is just a waisting of my time, i suppose that, my chief think that i'm enjoing my work. probably, from the third hand i'm look like just a usual man (probably i'm a usual man), but i'm a dead indeed. probably psychologist can help me with this issue, or the magic pills :). anyway, i guess, exists such situations when death is the best solution i just want to have a solution at hand, for the situation when the pain will be insufferable. i understand that if i have such solution at hand it increase a posibility to kill myself, but i think it's much better then waiting for the time when you will be ready
    p.s. hmm, maybe it's not a best place to ask this question
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2011
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    hey there!


    like you mentioned, maybe seeing a therapist and getting some medication would be good. maybe instead of playing video games, you got a 1/2 hr of gentle aerobic activity per day. I've heard that's supposed to help. Also getting fresh air and sunshine is probably good

    please don't ask for menthods here, that's not what the site is about

    I hope that you can feel better soon!
     
  4. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    thanks for your replay, probably it's really wrong place, i hadn't discovered it well... and yes, aerobic, fresh air, sunshine reduces a depression, and a proper meal is also good, however the question was a bit other, i don't want to beat this particular depression (although your advices works in general)... i'll not seeing a therapist (probably, becouse, in my country, we don't have such tradition to visit a therapist with such problems :-\)... you know, no reasons to beat this depression at all. i feel that i'm a hypocrite in this case :-\, you know, like i want to be unhappy to inspire somebody's pity :-\. i'm confused. this world is so silly, and here just no reason to live, all reasons is so stupid i can't chose any of them, i don't want to say that i'm too cool for this life, sooner i want to say that i just can't and don't want manage my life, okay, it's not a correct place for all this trush...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2011
  5. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    You sound spanish which I cant speak sorry .theres nothing wrong with gaming ,loads of people escape with games .reality is not all that great you know.
    I spend a lot of time online and writing and watching films to escape .maybe talking about it to a doctor ,like a regular doctor.You have a girlfriend ,youre not totally alone ,spend time with her .
     
  6. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    i know that the reality is not perfect, i don't expect it.
    not all is good in my relations with my gf, and sometimes it's very painfull to spend time with her and to don't spend time with her painfull too.
    escape as a style of life? all what i do in this life is a mess. i'm empty. i know that some people fills this emptiness with a religion, faith... but it's not for me, i don't accept it... escaping all the time, probably it's an option. some people live in even much more worse conditions and have much more real problems. would it be just obstacle for something then it would be ok. but it's obstacle for nothing, and it's painful, then why i must suffer it? only one, what keeps me it my own body, this pice of meat don't want to die, actually it doesn't want a pain which usualy come before you die. well, to be honest, i guess, some other, social aspects, which keeps me here, are also exists, but i think that i able to be a 'pig' to ignore them, and the main obstacle is a physical pain, or fear of the pain...

    p.s. i don't know spanish too
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2011
  7. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    Sorry thought you were Spanish .You should really talk to a doctor ,cos you sound clinically depressed.If there is no real reason as you say no bad problem then it might be chemical.Youre girlfriend obviously cares or she wouldnt still be with you .
     
  8. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    chemical? what you mean? that i might be poisoned with some chemicals?.. about gf, i'm trying to don't show my depression. yes, probably she cares if she see the problem and think that is serious, she would cares at least just becouse she is a good person. and i'm not sure that we will be together a long time, i know that she wants to be with other, however it's not excludes that she wants to be with me, we have a quite complicated relations at the moment... about the doctor, probably i have to visit him, however we don't have such 'tradition' to visit a doctor with such problems in my country :-\ probably it sounds stupid, but i just don't see how i'll do it...
     
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    Hi Pina I think what starryeyed was trying to say about chemical is that you have a chemical inbalance in your brain which is why you seem depressed also.I think also you should see a Dr I understand like everyone else here about your depression.
     
  10. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    Okay, okay, time out. I think it's critical that we learn what country this person is from. He said himself that that by itself is a problem for him getting professional help. It might not even be an option for him. So let's get that out of the way.

    What country are you from, pina, and why is it difficult for you to see a doctor about this? How difficult do you mean, and why? Is the difficulty so much that you would say it is impossible for you to find professional help now?
     
  11. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    there are reasons to live in not only what you can do for yourself, but how you can help others
     
  12. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    hmm, maybe... also my mood changes often...

    i'm from ukraine. well, it's possible to find proffesional help... here is two ways
    1. use a 'social insurance', and get help for free, spend a few days, waiting in queue, and for the doctor i will be like a headache
    2. use some comercial clinic, spend a lot of money, and for the doctor i will be like a bag of money
    anyway both ways are possible, and i can try some of it...
    ...it's hard for me to be honest with myself... sometimes i think that i want to punish myself, and then i don't want to get help, sometimes pain goes out like it never been and then i think that i lie to myself when i feel the pain... today, quite bad thing happend with me but for the moment it doesn't affect me, i feel ok, but i wouldn't, and for about hour ago i felt very bad... okay, i got it, i have to visit a doctor if i want to solve it, or at least to define is it a problem

    thank you for your responce
     
  13. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    guys, i do a stupid things, there no reasons to help me, i'm unable to kill myself in fact, so then it's wrong place for me, thank you for your responce, i'm appreciate it. i'm drunk. i'm ready to throw up to the keyboard, it's even hard for me to write this message. i had no drink for a year. i'm not able to kill myself fast. i'm wating for the messages like 'please dont kill yourself', it's stupid. i need a sip of fresh air. it's terrible. i'm choking, stupid
     
  14. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    Easy, man. We're still here.
     
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    hey, please don't kill yourself! sorry I didn't post that sooner, I've been off for a while
     
  16. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    yeah, thanks. today i feels much better, and all it looks like a boyishness. i'm really can't kill myself, i don't have any magic pill for it and i'm not able (or pain is not so much) to do it rougly. so i haven't any other choice then to live, and if so, it quite stupid to poisoning my self, you know, exists many ways to kill yourself slowly like an alcohol or extreme sport without proper training. i still feel some 'crying' inside however it's looks like a consequences... the problem isn't solved, but it not hurts me so much, i'm not sure that i will go the doctor, but i have to avoid such attacks
     
  17. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    md and therapy might be good.

    you can also keep posting here

    www.befrienders.org has a list of suicide hotlines world wide.

    :)
     
  18. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    i suppose i don't want to be ok. that why i don't want to visit a doctor and that why i suffering it again and again. maybe it's just such life style? why not? it's not natural for the humans? i never can be sure about what i've obtained from analising of my self. i don't trust myself, you know, my tricky mind always with me, and i can't jump higher then my head. also i don't belive that specialist can really help me. he probably can lead me for the some decision, with which i'll be contented. but it also trick, very smart trick, you can't lie to your self then you hire sombody to do it well. if i'm contented then, probably i get lost. and only while i've this black hole inside of me i'm really alive? i've no reasons to live, i feel pain, but why it's reason for the death? probably if will grow this idea i become an terrible person...
     
  19. pina4et

    pina4et Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    music helps me and alcohohelps me too. i know it's silly. sorry. have something to say but not able to write
     
  20. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Re: what is the cheaper option to get die?

    I think that alcohol will only make things worse in the long run

    why not try to say the thing you have to say?
     
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