Getting a bit worse now...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sycotic_Sarah, May 28, 2007.

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  1. Okay, so I posted about the recent overdose, which again, failed with no damage done, cept the fact it fucked up my stomach.

    Recently, I've felt so worse. I feel more suicidal, more low, more depressed, more alone than ever before. My eating has gone down hill too, I'm only having one-two meals a day, and a snack or something in the evening. Whenever I feel full, I purge. I have been trying to exercise as much as possible, but I feel so weak and not very motivated to do anything...

    I have also got back with my boyfriend, he has been supporting me alot, and we only got back together last night, he has already done so much for me. Now, if you read my recent threads, it isn't that other boy, it is someone who I've been in love with since last year, we dated for a few weeks but everything got too much, and he left me for another girl aswell. Last night, I told him I loved him, he asked me what I wanted, I told him you know what I want, then I asked him what do you want? He replied saying 'I want you'. So, we're together now. Our relationship is a bit rocky though because I'm starting to push him away, which I seriously can't help anymore, I just push people away but really, I want them to stay so close to me. He has been so wonderful with me, he hasn't gone anywhere, infact, he's just getting more closer to me. :cry:

    I just feel so empty inside. I feel so suicidal. I feel so low and depressed. I just want to end it, but I haven't got what I need. I don't think my death will effect anyone majorly, or even at all, I just... want to die. :sad:

    I *unless people don't know* go to a residential school for young people with emotional and behavioural special needs, it is going OK, they have told me I can go day in September aslong as I continue as residential until Summer holidays, but I just get homesick so much at the evening/night time. I have many friends their, they support me and everything, make me giggle, talk with me, have fun with me, it's alright I guess, so, that's going good for the time being.

    For those who don't know, two weeks ago, my mom was arrested for drinking WAY too much and threatening too kill herself/hurting other people/hurting me and my sister, so my aunt called the police and they had her in prison for the night. Thing is, she promised she wouldn't do that again, yet here she is now with a bottle of wine in her room drinking it. It worries me because she could've done something serious to herself. She has depression too, so that doesn't add any help at all! I just worry about her, and I think if I were to die, it'd be less stressful and more easier for her. :(

    Sorry this is so long. I'm just trying to explain everything.

    My selfharm is getting more worse now, two weeks ago yesterday, I cut my wrist quite deeply. It scared me, but gave me that rush, you know? I thought I was actually going to die, it wouldn't stop bleeding, it just dripped, and dripped, and dripped, and didn't stop. Unfortunetly, it did stop eventually and I failed again. I have been using selfharm as an experiment now, seeing if I can hit something and seeing if I survive that aswell. By the looks of it, I do. I survive almost fucking everything. I hate it. I don't like surviving when my intentions are clearly to not survive. I've survived thirteen overdoses, I've survived choking myself, I've survived... other methods that I won't reveal as it could help others... sorry if the choking one was a method, I mean no harm to others, just myself.

    :(

    But anyway. I don't know what to do now. My boyfriend, I can't talk to about this, he'll just give up with me and leave again. I can't talk to my mom about this, she'll just brush it off. I can't talk to anyone at school, they don't know much about it, I don't really open up with any of them.

    Just, what shall I do? I feel like I'm on the verge of suicide here and I have no other choice.

    Oh, and this isn't half of everything that's happening. Also, don't ask about my father, he fucked off last year, abandoning me, telling me I'm nothing to him. I've also seeked help before, four of them gave up and referred me to someone else, then I got fully referred to my school, so I've no help going on for me. But yeah, I don't need help, nothing is exactly wrong with me.

    Just wondering, what shall I do? :unsure:
     
  2. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    it does sound like you're having a hard time right now. i might encourage you to go in and get some help. i know for myself going in didn't always help but this last time i did really did help and alot. you shouldn't be fighting this alone. and even if you chose not to go in we will continue to be here for you. but i really would like to encourage you to go in. it could be the best thing you've ever done.

    no matter what you do please take care. we like having you around here.
     
  3. Thanks for replying.

    I don't think going into help again would help, I've tried that a dozen times before, it didn't help, merely just made things worse...

    I just feel like giving up... like, now. :(
     
  4. emogirl

    emogirl Well-Known Member

    Huni i'm here for you anytime and wouldn't your mam worry about you if you were gone she wouldn't see you again either would your boyfriend.

    My boyfriend can't stop crying over his ex cos she was hit by a car and died in hospital. Also he's very worried about me now.

    Your boyfriend loves you huni and if talking won't help then go on the website i give you tomorrow their really good or i could give you a website now where theres counsellors online i talked to one earier today. Also some great help.

    I'm worried about you hun youre a great friend you saved my life on friday:biggrin: i'm so grateful i want to give you something back hun

    i want to help
     
  5. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i had gone into the hospital at least a dozen times before i finally had the one time that helped the most. i know it gets old going in that is how i feel everytime i go in. i was wondering if you have CBT or DBT avaliable to you. i think it's been a very helpful form of therapy.

    take care
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Sometimes we just have to keep trying help Sarah. It may not have worked the other times, but just might this time. It is better than the alternative. You say you have no support, but you mention your bf is supporting you and the people at the school. You do have people that support and care about you. Don't be afraid to accept help when it is offered. It is easiset to push things away and stay with what we know and are familiar with than risk the unknown. Maybe it is time for you to take these risks. I am still here for you Sarah. That has remained constant. Don't give up. :hug:
     
  7. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Sarah hun hugs if wanted.Your post was so useful to me.It helped me uhnderstand so much more aobut what you have been through.im so sorry youve been through so much but please dont five up now.Youve come through mountains.i know its different for eveyone and i know how hard it is to hang on where you cant see where to go but please stay with us.Youve come so far,come through so much.i kinda feel useless.Want to be able to say/do more to help.And im sorry ive not been around much.But believe me it would affect me a lot if you werent here.i hope you can believe that.You are one of the people here who help me feel less alone....just in expressing your thoughts,feelings and experiences.Thank you.Sincerely.Please dont go.And never apologise for writing things out.i hope it helped you.It certainly gave me a better picture of what youve been through.Please hang on and know we are here and well done that you dont have to be residential at eh school in September!!!i know things look so bad for you right now and i dont want to ignore that but please try and see the positives too......and i wish you could see the person i see in you.Please take care hun and keep safe.Keep writing if it helps and know we are here.Sorry for my waffling!!!i'll shut up now!!!Hugs and good to see you around again.
     
  8. It's not all that's happened, it's just bits and bobs happening now.

    I dunno what to say now.

    Other than I hope I die soon.

    *sigh*
     
  9. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    all i'm gonna say is please hang in there and keep sharing. we're here for you. please take care :arms:
     
  10. I don't want to take care... I want something to happen for once. :(
     
  11. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    please try the hospital again. everytime is different. please try. hoping for the best for you. please please hang in there.
     
  12. No, not again. I am NOT being put into hospital again.

    They said I was fine anyway.

    So obviously I am.

    :(
     
  13. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm sorry i'm not trying to get you all riled up. i would just love to see you get some help. i don't want to see you give up as i'm sure most people here wouldn't either.

    what is something that you might be able to do to help this? maybe go to a movie, or go to a coffee shop or go for a walk that sort thing. anything?

    please take care
     
  14. death maybe? thatll make things a whole lot better.
     
  15. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    Hey, come on Sarah. Are there more then one over there?

    I know it's not my place to say, but I really don't want you to get hurt.
     
  16. More than one?

    How do you mean...?
     
  17. What a lovely night.

    Just cut myself. <mod edit -gentlelady -too graphic>Feel cold, dizzy and sick. I have a cold too. Oh, screw it, I'm off.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2007
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