i've been fasting during the week, whilst i'm at school and only eating on weekends. i haven't got a therapist anymore and my mum (dietician) just doesn't care anymore. now i'm on meds for depression and anxiety she seems to think everything is okay so isn't paying attention to my eating habits. it's actually such a great feeling, not having to eat, not being forced to eat and watched weight just drop off me. i can't wait til i get down to double digits, i can't remember the last time i was below 100lbs. i know this isn't that great for me and my heart is getting weaker because of it, but anything that gives me a buzz at the moment is like a release from the numb feeling i have all the time. it's just someone's punched me in the stomach, the feeling right after that when you're still holding your breath and you can't feel anything but that. that's what i feel, constantly. i can't cry even when i want to. i can't deal with any anger that i think i feel. i can't be happy even. so this disordered eating, this is what is giving me the buzz i need. just knowing that nobody else knows.