Getting a job and working with people

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sugar, Feb 18, 2007.

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  1. Sugar

    Sugar Member

    Hi all,
    I'm about to start looking for my first job, just some temp work for now, most likely basic secretarial or admin type work. The problem is that I have really bad social skills, no friends or b/f (I've never had a b/f and I'm 27!), and I lead a very boring life.
    I feel that when I start work and people find out how quiet/shy/boring I am, and of my inability to hold conversations, I will end up more depressed and suicidal than I feel now.
    I don't know what to do and I'm just really fearful right now :(
     
  2. I know the awkardness of being emotionally incapable of dealing with bosses and co-workers. I assume that you, like myself, suffer from anxiety / depression ?

    What makes people like ourselves suffer so much is that we cannot reveal our ( mental ) handicaps for fear of being ridiculed or ostracised in the workplace. If we were victims of a physical handicap that co-workers could
    see right in front of them, then no explanations would be needed. They would immediately see your limitations and ( hopefully ) accept them.

    But "crazy" people like ourselves, who appear normal on the outside, must remain hidden. I don't know about you, but trying to do my job while at the same time attempting to conceal all signs of my mental quirks leaves me exhausted and discouraged.

    You are 27 years old with no boyfriend ? Let me assure you that when you compare yourself to many of us here on the forum, your lack of a boyfriend / spouse is quite "normal". I was very much a "late-bloomer" in my romantic life and experienced long dry-spells with little or no dating experiences. By no means am I trying to minimise your loneliness and need for companionship, I am only trying to assure you that apart from the rest of the world, you are quite boringly typical when compared to your friends here at the forum...to many of us your similar experiences mean that you are just like us.

    Your comrades here are no substitute for an intimate relationship, but hopefully you will gain some measure of strength from us that will carry you
    through your own tough times.

    Also, starting a new job is a stressful for anyone, regardless of their emotional status.
     
  3. Sugar

    Sugar Member

    Yes PDW, I too suffer from anxiety and depression.

    I can't speak about the difficulties in a job just yet because I have yet to have one, due to my fears, but I really do need to start supporting myself now.
    I just think that the worrying and stress I experienced at college due to my problems are going to be even worse at a job because of the full time, 9 - 5, Mon - Fri nature of it. I don't know how I will cope with that sort of stress on such a regular basis. No doubt I will feel exhausted and discouraged like you say you do, when trying to act as 'normal' as I can.

    The only thing I can think of as a solution is to end my life. Is putting myself through something so draining, stressful and difficult worth it? I just don't think it will be.

    I feel like such an outsider in this world. Almost like an alien sometimes.
     

  4. Well, your solution ( ie, the ultimate solution ) is the same as mine. I am at this very moment considering that option because of job stress. It's a
    tough situation with no easy answers. Despite the official position of this web-site I am pro-suicide in that I regard it a persons civil right to terminate themselves if they choose.

    I am not recommending that you do so. Here's what I suggest for the time being, go into this new job situation and see how you adapt. Don't go by any first day impressions, either. Most people are nervous and awkward
    until they settle in to their surrounding and that's not something that is going to happen overnight. You will have good days and you will have bad days.

    Understand that you are not going to like it ( most likely ) and that even if you reach a level of comfort, it will still be a job, ie a neccessary routine that most all people consider a type of drudgery.

    I don't know the specifics of your personality, but after you initial wariness
    wears off, you may find that this job suits you. All is not lost. I have in the past had jobs that did not cause me to over-exert myself emotionally and that I actually tolerated quite well.

    Here's the deal, I have always reasoned with myself that if any situation ( job or otherwise ) became too much to deal with I can always resort to Plan B...suicide.. There is actually a type of comfort that I draw from that knowledge. As for yourself,if it all becomes too much you can politely tip your hat, bid them adieu and make you final exit. Remember that you are not trapped in this life, if possible remind yourself of that if you begin to feel overwhelmed.

    I hope for you that you will eventually adapt to this new situation and experience some level of peace...suicide will always be an option if you need it, I just hope that you won't ever have to use it.

    Please believe me that I totally understand what it is like to be motivated by these exact feelings, your opinions make sense to me because I am experiencing them at this very moment. Anyway, give it a shot, and remember no one can keep you here if you don't want to be. I wish you total success with this new challenge.
     
  5. Sugar I found a web-site that hopefully may give you some further insight into your job diificulties. Its for persons with Avoidant Personality Disorder ( an anxiety disorder ) which is what I suffer from primarily.

    Its a large web-site with many topics, similar to the Suicide Forum, but I will attempt to direct you straight to the thread about problems in the workplace.
    Here it is: http://groups.msn.com/AvoidantPersonalityGroup/apdworkplace.msnw

    I hope that you are able to connect to the above link from here, if not then go to: AvoidantPersonalityGroup@groups.msn.com
    on your search engine and just navigate the website until you find the topic that interests you.
     
  6. Sugar

    Sugar Member

    I can tell you know exactly where I'm coming from, PDW.

    I totally get when you say that if it does get too much, I can just say goodbye. It is definitely something I can take comfort in, knowing that I don't have to suffer for the rest of my working life, and that there is indeed a way out.

    I'm glad you said that you found jobs that you tolerated, because that's what I wish for too.

    I'm just sorry to hear you're going through the things I'm fearing right now, but thanks for all you have written. It gives me hope.
     
  7. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hey i just wanted to say hi and welcome too.i am only 24 but i feel very similar to you.ive never done paid work yet.Only voluntary.My social skills are appalling.And i know i have to look for paid work at some point if im still gonna be here......and the thought continually really worries me.
     
  8. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    Suicide has been an option for me since my early teenage years. I've always gained comfort from the option of escape at will. I don't want to do it, but it's still an option, and I still know in my heart I'll die by suicide or self-inflicted disease. I don't intend to live a long and fruitful life. I've never considered that an option.

    I too have had problems with jobs and such. I dropped out of school at 17 because I hated the other kids. I had a 3.7+ GPA and was in advanced classes, but I hated the social BS, so as soon as I turned 17 I left. Went to work for my dad in his land surveying business. Got to hang around in the woods all day, with him and my sister, and sweat and get dirty and not have to deal with anyone. I had no social life whatsoever. When I was 25 I moved into my deceased aunt's house and had to get my first "real" job. Wasn't that big of deal because I usually stayed in the back of the store assembling bikes and grills or out on the road doing delivery. Decided I wanted to try driving a truck over-the-road. Hated that because I had so many dreams of living a "normal" life and OTR driving was preventing that. Went to work in a warehouse having to work among hundreds of people. I was the only one that would sit by myself at breaktime and stare at the table. Spent seven months doing that until I got a job at a Lowe's store as a delivery driver. Loved that, since I spent most of my time on the road and I made an actual "friend". He was very social and outgoing and actually accepted my wierdness for what it is. He didn't care. I learned a lot about dealing with people and putting on the "act", as my mom likes to call it. I'm still pretty good at that act and it helps with breaking the ice, but it's still just an act. Still can't do it with women, though. Don't know why, but I just can't. After two years I quit because of internal problems at work and striking out at getting my first girlfriend. At 30, I'm now back to driving over-the-road again and love it. I still get to shoot bull with folks from time to time, but mostly I can be left alone and not be judged too much. I've dyed my hair black, put my earrings and nosering back in, display my cuts with pride, and just do what I want. I am who I am. No one accepts me and no one ever will. That's just our lives. With prescription drugs I'm able to continue with life, but still not living. I don't reckon I'll ever know "life" as others may know it. It's just not for me. But it's still so hard to accept and I reckon that's why I stay depressed and dissatisfied all the time.

    As for your first job. Well, learn to pretend, or leave. You don't need to kill yourself, though. There are other solutions, but you do what you need to do. Just please consider the ones you may hurt. So you're 27. I'm 30. Read through some of these posts here. It's not unusual for us. Please keep going and stay strong. We love you. Later. :dry:
     
  9. You have no idea how it pleases me to read your words of appreciation.
    I want to help you because we suffer in such similar ways.

    For what it's worth, remember that there must be literally tens of thousands of people like ourselves who are experiencing the same thing every time they get up and go to work. Its quite possible that in your new job setting that there may be others who are going through the same thing but choose (wisely) to keep it to themselves.

    Well, anyway you should know that I am actually drawing a small amount of comfort from just reading your posts because it lets me know that I am not the only one who is going through this.
     
  10. Sugar

    Sugar Member

    Hi Kath, thanks for the welcome :)

    You know I would love to be able to work with my family out in nature like that, away from most other people. Sadly it's not possible for me, not least because we all live in a big city! but it's a nice thought.

    Putting on an act is something I'm going to have to work on because, I find it really difficult just pretending to be normal. I hope I can pull it off when I have to.

    I also don't feel I will ever truly know life as others do...it can get very depressing at times.


    Thanks for the kind words nrvsreck, I will try to stay strong.
     
  11. Sugar

    Sugar Member

    I do think about others going through the same thing, and knowing this does help. Even now when nrvsreck wrote that depite working with so many people, he was the only one who sat by himself at breaktime. At college I was exactly the same. At lunch and even at class I seemed to be the only one all on my own. It was really tough. I fear the same thing will happen when I start work.

    It's nice to know I have given you a little comfort too, and I just want to thank you for that link you posted up earlier. I have only read a few threads on that forum but I can relate to so much. I will be having a good read over there. Thanks again PDW.
     
  12. Hey! I believe I can relate and wish to offer some encouragement.

    I have social anxiety..if that's what you want to call it (I just say I'm really shy). I have an extremely hard time communicating with people I yet to feel comfortable with. What's more is that I recently started my first real paying job (it's a cooperative education position..so I'll be back to finish college in a couple of semesters). I work in an office, and have been here for a month and a half. I still haven't made friends. I've been horribly lonely and depressed.

    But I'm coming around..today I actually got out and did something with a co-worker (hurray for racquet ball). I'm becoming more comfortable with my co-workers as well. I think I'm finally about to break my shell.

    I suppose what my point is: Be patient and have heart! We have a great weakness..a social weakness. But we can overcome it with time, positive thinking, and most importantly..a will to defeat our demons.

    Anyways..if you ever want to talk about your struggles drop a line:
    darkscaryforest@gmail.com
    Aim: crazy1pumpkins

    Fight on =)
     
  13. downmage

    downmage Well-Known Member

    I am in my early 40's and have had humbteen dozen jobs in my life and really all an employer asks is that you come in and try to do a good job. Figure out what they are wanting from you and try to give it to them.

    :cool:
     
  14. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    I've tried for years to become a sheep and "fit in". What a joke! It's taken me thirty years to finally realize I do not fit. That's it. I just don't. I have to resolve that within myself. It's hard, but it will happen. Just like my life-long desire to fit-in (which is not a bad thing, for those that can), I now have to devote what's left of my life to accepting the fact that I am utterly and totally alone, and this, whatever it is, is my life. With medication, perhaps I can do that. But trying to make friends and having a "life" just isn't for me. I realize that now. It's going to be a long, hard struggle, but maybe it will work. It seems as though I'm starting a new chapter in my life. Maybe I can find something within myself to accept it. Maybe Sugar can too. She doesn't sound truly suicidal. She wants hope. Here's to hope! Somehow, life can work. Though, fantasies may fall by the wayside... :dry:

    Yes, working with my family in the woods each day was a dream come true. I spent seven years doing it Louisiana and all I wanted was something else, but once I left, I realized how much I left behind. It was a dream, because I dream of it every night. The forest is pure fantasy. It's a dreamworld where all pain is gone and what's left is the sweet aroma of pine, the birds singing, the sound of wind rushing through the treetops, the vision of wilderness in all directions and understanding true peace... It's pure heaven! Oh, my god, I love it! But it's done. I only wish I could live there forever.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 19, 2007
  15. Yes, working with my family in the woods each day was a dream come true. I spent seven years doing it Louisiana and all I wanted was something else, but once I left, I realized how much I left behind. It was a dream, because I dream of it every night. The forest is pure fantasy. It's a dreamworld where all pain is gone and what's left is the sweet aroma of pine, the birds singing, the sound of wind rushing through the treetops, the vision of wilderness in all directions and understanding true peace... It's pure heaven! Oh, my god, I love it! But it's done. I only wish I could live there forever.[/QUOTE]

    I'm a native Texan whose never even been to Louisiana, but it does sound pretty cool from your description. ( Funny I've never visited your state, I've been all the way up to Kansas, over to Colorado, New Mexico, etc but for some reason I have never traveled East.. Maybe I'll have to correct that. )
     
  16. nrvsreck

    nrvsreck Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've been to NM, CO, KS, and everywhere else. Kansas you can have. But the east is something else. Tennessee, Kentucky, the Carolinas, Virginia, West Virginia (my favorite), Pennsylvania, Maryland. They're all so beautiful. The Deep South is so slow and lazy. I just love it. For me, I was born Louisiana, but grew up in Dallas and then moved back to Louisiana in my teens and hated it. The whole thing was kind of an acquired taste. I couldn't accept it for many years until I dropped out of school and went to work for my father. In time, I learned to love it. Hell, just a visit to far east Texas is good enough.
     
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