Getting close

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aoeu, Jun 12, 2011.

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  1. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    So the only thing that's ever helped my bipolar has failed rather spectacularly. Medications have never helped. Psychotherapy has never helped. The stupid goddamn idea I espouse in my signature has stopped helping. 4 cycles in a month. Mixed episodes along with depressions. Always miserable.

    I'm terribly lonely, I have no RL friends at all. I'm working a summer job which is mildly interesting but I'm failing at it. In 10 weeks I'll be returning to school where I'll be under so much stress I'll be physically ill. I used to be able to handle school and do well in it and feel fine, but the bipolar disorder and the constant horrible pain from my back and the various sedating medications I'm on and the loneliness make it too hard.

    Even though I'm constantly surrounded by friendly, like-minded people at work I can't make friends. I almost never talk except when I need to for my job. I want to, but I can't.

    I find no pleasure in anything. Not even liquor anymore.

    I don't know why I'm posting this. At best, kind words will be directed at me... But what good are kind words?

    I'm too much of a pussy to [mod edit: methods] so I guess I just go on hoping I die a horrible death in some accident.

    I didn't ask for any of this. I didn't do anything to deserve any of this.
  2. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi aoeu,

    I’m sorry it’s getting more difficult for you…it must be extremely difficult at this moment…

    I just want to mention that I met a girl with bipolar from a conference. She said that bipolar actually helped her spiritual awakening and that her passion is to help people with bipolar to awaken - to free themselves from limitations… She is still in her 20s (but felt like a very old soul)… a quite delightful young lady…

    I hope you can find strength to go through this…
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you are experiencing such terrible mood swings at the moment

    remember that these suicidal thoughts are a result of the disease. they are not to be acted on.

    keep looking at alternative healing methods. keep hanging on.

    can you drop to a part time course load in the fall?
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    For a long time I've been attempting to help people especially with bipolar, but I don't think I've helped a single person.

    I probably should drop my course load but that'd extend my degree which is something I really don't want. University is one of my biggest fuck-ups, I recently sacrificed what happiness I could muster to finish my degree faster by transferring back to the first school I went to, but I miscalculated and it'll take me as long.

    Maybe I do deserve this I'm probably just a bad person.
  5. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    You're not a bad person at all. I love your posts and the efforts you go to to help people on here. You seem really smart and you'll probably do really well in whatever you want to do, especially as you've had to be so strong in coping with your illnesses. Remember that depression/your state of mind changes your perspective on things dramatically.

    The light/dark therapy worked for some time I thought? Do you know why it's stopped working?( Btw, you have helped me with those threads, as it gave me insight into the link between circadian rhythms, light sensitivity and mood disorders, I won't go into it here, but I think that it's really relevant to my situation and once I get some sort of sleep aid I'm going to try the 10 hours of dark a night).

    I hope you can find something to help, and get your degree. I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through.
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    We can only do the best we can at any given moment. Things are not as bad as the mind thinks. Please observe your mind. Watch it and see if it is working “for” you or “against” you. Then choose to listen or disregard the thought(s)… We are the observer/watcher of the mind. We can tame the mind by going beyond it…

    You know that our life situations change all the time...

    I know that you know you are NOT a bad person. Please be gentle and kind to yourself…
  7. mchung

    mchung Well-Known Member

    If you want RL friend, unless you live close to me, I cannot be of any help there.

    But if you don't mind a person to talk to on messenger (skype,msn...etc), webcam can make you feel as close as in person.

    I am a student at uni as well, and people think I am doing fantastic. But the truth is, I am failing as hard as I could, barely passing and all, to think I used to be so happy to go to school. Bipolar killed my relationships, and all my friendship as well.

    Don't bother helping me or others, but help yourself. If you don't mind you can pm me anytime.
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I moved from Toronto to Edmonton in January. I lost control of my bipolar at the end of April... as I moved into summer at high latitude, marked by long hours of daylight. I doubt this is a coincidence. I've tried to restrict my light intake of late, but I can't shake this depression.

    I'm watching my mind and at the moment it appears to be being very, very logical. I'm thinking carefully about my future... If I can't make friends in the current situation I can't make friends. I've tried therapy for social anxiety and I've beaten my social anxiety enough to function. Friends are something extra, and it's too hard to fix. So my future is lonely.

    And mixed episodes have, objectively, a high risk of suicide. I have 4-6 per year. It seems I've got a high chance of killing myself during a mixed episode. Add to that multiple depressed phases per year as well...

    I think suicide is my eventual fate. If I do it sooner, I suffer less. If I do it while in a normal mindset I have less chance of fucking it up.

    I may have already realised that any treatment or action on my part not directed at suicide is merely palliative, but (un?)fortunately I don't believe it... yet.

    mchung, I appreciate the offer, but there's almost no chance I'll make any sort of meaningful connection with you. I therefore must decline.
  9. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    So, I have objectively bad things happen to me that are, I think, far greater in magnitude than the typical person encounters. I'm not complaining that my suffering is worse than anyone's, I know that life is hard for everyone... But if I'm a good person, and these things happen to me, I'm left with the worldview that the universe/God is uncaring at best and sadistic at worst.

    I used to believe in justice and fairness, an eternity ago, but now I'm incredibly cynical and pessimistic. Yay life.

    At the moment what I'm most pessimistic about is my ability to go through with killing myself. I think I won't ever get the nerve to attempt and I'll have to keep on suffering for decades to come.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Maybe there isn't much I can add to what's already been said. I don't know you that well, but I don't believe for a second that you're a bad person. Your posts are always interesting, well-thought-out, and funny (the Coffeehouse posts).

    Here if there's anything I can do to help, or if you just feel like talking.
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