Getting closer and closer....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mogwai, Sep 26, 2013.

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  1. mogwai

    mogwai New Member

    I am 30 years old, and by all outwardly appearances I am a normal person. No one that knows we would ever guess the anguish I experience every day inside of me. I have so much I could say, and even writing this message here is a big deal to me. I could never admit to anyone in real life my depressions, thoughts, and want of dieing. Many would be utterly shocked if they knew the "real me". I have suffered from deep dark depression since probably high school. Suicide was always in the back of my head over the years, but recently it has come to the center and I think it about it constantly. I have problems building relationships with people in life. I've never had a serious relationship with a female and I have very few good friends. I am smart, have a very good job, make good money, appear normal, yada yada. But inside I am completely empty.

    I recently fell in love with a girl that I can never have. She is the most amazing person I've ever met and is everything I have been searching for my entire life. I think about her all day every day. However, I can never have her. She is a co-worker living in another city and is basically married to a guy who is better than me in every way that counts. Meeting this person and realizing how perfect she is for me, coupled with the fact that I could never have her, has now sent me spiraling into the deepest, darkest place I have ever been. And suicide is now even closer into the front of my head and appears like more and more possibility every day I wake up. Having this girl could have changed my life and with her perhaps even happiness. But life has decided again to kick me in the nuts, push me down, and laugh at my face. It made sure to tell me that nothing good like that could ever happen to me.

    I wake up every day with disappointment. Disappointment that I woke up. Why can't I just not wake up? That would be so so easy. It's not that I want to die necessarily. It's just that I don't want to spend any more time in this life. I keep thinking that maybe some day I will wake up and all of this will turn out to be one bad dream, and that I am really living a happy with life somewhere. I keep HOPING that this life is not really reality. It can't be, can't it? Is someone just punking me?

    Again, I don't want to die, but suicide is the only true escape that exists. If there was another alternative, I would love to consider it. I don't like my job, and my recent turn for the worse is making it very hard to perform. I can't get work done and when I go home I just lay on the couch and enter some deep dark places. It is such an overwhelming feeling of no hope. I have lost pleasure in most everything that I use to enjoy.

    The one thing that is really holding me back from doing it is my parents. I had a great upbringing with great parents. I just cannot bring myself to bring them that much pain. They are the only two people that I would care about having to deal with my death. They are perhaps the only reason I am still alive. I keep telling myself to do the self less thing and keep trudging along to spare them the grief. And so far it has worked, and probably will work, but I don't know for how long. My two closest childhood friends both killed themselves. It would be devastating if I did as well.

    I am scared of dieing, because I don't know what comes after. I don't believe in God and think there probably isn't an after life. But I will never find Love on this planet, and my soul is tortured and cursed, and with recently waving Love in my face only to snatch it away has ruined me.

    I could write scores of pages on my thoughts and rational for hating this life and reasons for not wanting to go on, and I might do that to give to my mom so she can understand if I go. I have logical reasons. I will probably never be happy, and will never be able to admit these things to anyone in person due to embarrassment. Unfortunately mental health is not a topic that one can freely talk about to people. So for now I guess I'll trudge a long a little farther. I really do not want to do this to my mom and dad. I really don't. They truly are the only things holding me up.......
  2. lulumoon

    lulumoon Active Member

    hi I feel much the same I am 31 had a great upbrining suffered depression since I was 13. I am currently going throught my worst depression ever and I think about killing myself all the time. the urges are getting stronger. like you the only thing stopping me is my parents, I know how hard it is to walk around with a mask on when people say hi how are you you say fine but what you want to say is im so shit I want to kill myself. my cousin killed herself 2 years ago and a family friend recently. I understand the total agony of existing so you are not alone. if you want to chat just drop me a message I sure know what you are going through. Take care.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    welcome to sf mogwai. As you can see by the first response, this is a good place to find other people who also are suffering. sometimes just knowing we are not alone can be a help. I understand what you are saying about not wanting to die. But also not wanting to live as you are living now. So many people do feel this way. Depression can be mighty and horrible. So isolating when hiding it from everyone. I am hoping that coming here will be a first step in not being so isolated.

    Do you have a therapist? Do you take anything for the depression? Some people do take medications. Others do not. I have heard some people say they get great results after finding the right thing to take. others, not so much. I am glad you took the step to find this community. It is a caring and supportive place. A community where you will not be alone. And where you will not have to hide the depression
  4. mogwai

    mogwai New Member

    No therapist, no medication. I would like medication to see if it can help, but dread going through the process of getting the medication. I do not want to have to explain to someone face to face my issues. I fear the embarrassment. I am definitely at my darkest place ever right now, and I am close to losing ALL hope. And in the end, hope is the only thing that matters in life.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    You are not alone in your dread of explaining to a professional whats going on. So many people have expereinced that dread. So, if you do decide to go ahead and try this, you can maybe do it with us here at sf as your support system. People here could support you through the process of making the apt and going. No pressure. Just saying that if you wanted, you would not have to do it totally alone. You have an online community now, if you would like.

    I agree with you that hope can be the most important thing. I hope you can hold on to even a thread of hope. I do know how hard that can be sometimes. Believe me, I do.
  6. mogwai

    mogwai New Member

    So I basically told the girl I love how I feel and as I expected, it was confirmed that I will never have a relationship with her. So the reasons for living has officially gone to ZERO. It is now decision time.....what to do. Suicide is clearly a distinct possibility, I just need to think it through, but it is definitely a very solid option. Every morning when I wake up I have to let out a big sigh, knowing that I am forced to face another day. And the prospect of years more of this might be too much.

    Oh well, I gave life a try. Not everyone in the world can have a happy life. Maybe re-incarnation is true and my next life will be different. I guess that is something to hope for.
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Or maybe hun there is another person out there for you and if you leave you will never know hugs
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    As long as you brought up reincarnation, I will tell you what keeps me alive. I believe I incarnated for a reason. Probably to heal something important. So I am going to stay alive. Because in reincarnation beliefs it is thought that if we do not succeed in healing or learning from what we came to heal or learn, then we get to do it all over again..... pick up where we left off. Not as a punishment. But as yet another opportunity to learn and heal.

    Not a great incentive to kill oneself. I will not leave and repeat this in another lifetime. I refuse to set up that kind of a future for myself. So it is the idea of reincarnation that actually keeps me here. So I can resolve things now. And actually have that better incarnation the next time. Sorry if this is too spiritual for some. It is not a religion. I choose to not have one of those. Its simply what I think in my heart. So maybe I am right. And if so, isnt it worth it to complete this lifetime considering you have already put in many years? Mods and admin, I will understand if you have to delete my post. Because often spiritual views and religion get confused by people. And it might be offensive to some.
  9. Yoyogirl86

    Yoyogirl86 Well-Known Member

    have you spoke to your family doctor what's going on for you right now and explain to him/her your feeling really depressed and what's going and that you consider suicide as way out and you need help, he may give medication to help you feel better, can you distract or watch something you enjoy anything to help you. please reach out there.
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