Getting closer to something not good

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SadDude1980, Nov 9, 2008.

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  1. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Hi.

    I don't come here too much anymore. I think when you're really reaching your bitter end you end up pretty much alone. That's how it usually goes for me. I know we can't talk about methods here, so I'll skip how. Those who knows me already can probably figure what I did in my latest "attempt".

    Anyways, I made the mistake of calling my mother midway through overdosing on -insert substance here- and she called 911 I got hauled out to the ER and then was stuck in the ICU for a couple days and had to BS my way out of there saying that I was fine and would talk to a psychiatrist, bla bla bla after I got out.

    I have no intention of doing such things. I was thinking as I was lying awake all night the first night in the ICU, and my vitals kept dropping dangerously low, "This wouldn't be too bad a way to go" and was pissed at myself for wimping out at the last second and getting scared.

    If I ever do it again, I'm going to make sure it's for keeps. I just can't find anything positive to grasp on to anymore. Everything hurts. Everything.

    Failed marriage... that being an understatement My wife became my worst enemy, literally. No exaggerations. Lost my job... have a ton of bills... alcoholism is at it's peak although I haven't drank in 5 days cause I just have no money... my life is just anger and tears now. I feel so alone. And please nobody say "Don't worry you'll meet someone" That's a crock of shit and each day I'm getting worse and worse inside being alone.

    I'm just not built to be by myself especially not for prolonged periods of time. I felt like I was breathing when I was with my wife. Now I feel like I'm suffocating being alone and I felt that way before I even met her years ago. I don't know anyone. I don't wanna hear "Go out and meet people, go to churches, college, bla bla BLA". I really don't want to hear that... that just aggravates the hell out of me.

    Oh well I don't know why I even bothered posting here. I'm just gonna lay low for awhile, wait till everyone drops their guard and next time I'll do this right. The chances of meeting a good female who doesn't SUCK are like winning the lottery anyway. That goes the same both ways, btw, I'm not sexist. People in general suck and are just superficial wordly assholes. Goes for men as well as women. But I'm a guy, and I'm straight, so my focus is on females. When I'm not feeling like shit, I'm a very witty, funny, charistmatic intelligent person who's a great listener... but it all goes to waste.

    Oh well nobody will get what I'm saying I've met some people here who say things like, "So just stop being depressed just be positive". Like being happy is as easy as flipping on a light switch! lol. I wish. But it doesn't work that way. I'm complex, deep, thoughtful, and analytical. I can't just be a dummy that walks around with a happy go lucky grin on their face all the time pretending like everything's fine Everything is NOT fine. I wish I were ignorant and blissful. That's a big part of the reason why my alcoholic kicked into high gear. Trying to just dumb myself down, forget things, etc..

    But now I can't even do that anymore. My body doesnt' react well to the alcohol now, when I don't drink my hands shake, I have cold sweats, I see things, I have horrific insomnia... it's really bad. Only 6 months ago I didn't even suffer those things. Shows you how much I've been drinking lately to try to cope.

    Well ... back to my isolation.

    We who are about to croak salute you.

    -Ken
     
  2. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I have no words that can be of consolation but know that I do care.
    Hope you get back on your feet and that the contemplation comes to a stop.
    You know the forum and know that we are here for you. Would you meet in chat or msn? Loneliness is a cancer that eats you within Ken. If you want to talk you can either pm me or add me on msn at granny1@live.it

    be well and stay safe
    granny x
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Saddude,
    You are going thru the stages of grief. The first one is greif, then anger, after that I don't remember because I stopped at anger and got over her!!! She screwed me big time(I won't go into detail because everyone has hurd it before). You should at least see a therapist long enough to learn the coping skills and The stages of greif. They will help you to deal with this. They aren't an instatnt cure but they do help you fight back. So you have to put forth some effort. I hope the best for you..Take Care!!~Joseph~
     
  4. wunderwood

    wunderwood Well-Known Member

    Hey Ken,
    It sounds like things have really sucked for you a lot. It doesn't sound like you want a hug, but I'll offer one anyhow. I am a female who only is an idiot sometimes. There are a few good people out there.
     
  5. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Everynight I find myself here at my parent's house thinking - is she out there? Do I have an "Eve" - a person who's just for me? A person who'll love and appreciate me for who I am all around, and won't ONLY like me when I'm doing well and cast me away when I'm doing bad? I don't think such a person exists. "For better or for worse" is bullshit and nobody really means that when they say it. It's just words then. When the shit really hits the fan and you have to stand by your partner even though they're falling, "Uh oh, divorce time!". lol For beter or for worse/till death do us part - it's all a bunch of fairytale bullshit.

    The "encouragement" to stick around and try to "live" wanes. Screw therapists, btw. I've seen enough of them in my 27 year life time to know that they suck. I ain't stupid. Some people gotta stick their hand in the "fire" over and over again to realize, "whoa, this substance is hot!". I'm the kind person who puts their hand near the fire and realizes what'll most likely happen to my hand. I'll get burned. I don't NEED to get burned over and over to learn my lesson.

    As such, majority of therapists are shit. The ones I've seen anyway and I've seen enough. They don't help me, they don't care, I'm just another number. They're in it for the paycheck after awhile and if they do "care", they're really overworrying dweebs who don't truly give a shit about you, but are driven on by some self-righteous complex to "fix people" by lockin a person away somewhere. Being locked away or whatever isn't going to help me. People don't get my level of seriousness. Maybe I was born in the wrong time period or something, but I don't do being locked away somewhere because people have "Good intentions". "Good intentions" are what get people in trouble and make things worse. If someone wants to be there for me, then they're more than welcome to. Otherwise, they should butt out. I don't need people making my life even more stressful and shittier than it already is by sneak-calling some psychiatric ward to come haul my ass away.
     
  6. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Did you ever think...

    You ever think about if you died, and you came back to torment someone who made your life miserable?

    I know exactly who's life I'd make miserable. I have a list. Police officers, judges, and that bitch that claimed to be my "wife". I'd make their lives miserable. And honestly nobody knows how much power you have in death. Some deads may just say "eh, I'd like to pass on". And others like me, will feel that there are things on this earth that need to be dealt with.
     
  7. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
     
  8. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Reading your situation is like looking in the mirror... pretty amazing. Sounds like we're going through the same type of thing, man.
     
  9. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Ediciussie,

    I sure hope we're not going through the same exact thing lol :( It's a miserable painful thing that words can't do justice for.

    I'm losing faith in a lot of things. I was worried this would happen. I had the strongest feeling it would. You don't have to be 100 years old to have wisdom. Hell you can be 100 years old and still be as daft as hell.

    I'm finding my best times in life now are when I'm asleep and dreaming. The last dream I had, and I was so depressed when I woke up :(... There was this girl, she was young, she had blondish brown hair and she was laying on my shoulder smiling at me and I remember speaking in the dream and thanking God that he finally delivered my angel girl to me. I was so happy. I was hugging her and just so happy. But of course I eventually woke up. And she was gone. It was just me laying alone in my parent's basement - in my old room from when I was a teenager. I really though it was happening though. It was that real of a dream. I thought she was there. This mystery girl I've been waiting for. :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 16, 2008
  10. Why we must equate our supposed 'well-being' with having a partner or NOT having a partner is beyond me. If you're not ok with yourself, who's gonna fix it? The other?? It don't work that way. Our warped society has taught us to be co-dependant. It ain't healthy. :mad:
     
  11. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Kenny,

    That was a very powerful dream you had about the girl. What do you think it was trying to tell you? Could there be a message in the dream?

    It must be really hard to be going through this and feel so alone. It really hurts when you feel like you have no support and no one cares. It can be even more difficult to imagine that things will ever change. You have lost a lot in your life, and you're feeling sad, angry and hopeless. It makes sense that you feel that way and would consider ending things. But, while you are still here, keep dreaming, there are angels out there if you believe.

    regards,

    tricia
     
  12. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    lol and I knew there'd be someone who says this "If your'e not happy with being alone you won't be happy with someone else" bla bla bla.

    I'm not even going to waste anymore breath on that one, rather I knew that someone sooner or later would say it because they just don't get it.

    I made an edit to this and it doesn't show up. I'll just say this. Lost and found - kiss my ass. Blue butterfly was right, this forum is whack. There's always some dipshit that comes up and pisses you off. Delete my account, do whatever, I don't give a flying fuck. Real people on their way out don't give a fuck anyway.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 18, 2008
  13. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Not to sound cliched but I really believe there is no God

    in which case... this existence is beyond pointless and super alone. I really believe we're all by ourselves and nobody gives a shit about us. Hit me today. I'm back where I was 8 years ago only worse. I'm in trouble. suicide-wise.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUdP1PdZSJg

    and there are no angels.
     
  14. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    I think it's probably normal for those going down to at some point reach for one last cry of help.

    This is it for me. This is my last cry.

    I'm in really bad shape. I see it I feel it... I have to escape this. I have to.
     
  15. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    don't give up kenny. you'll find someone one day. just hold on.
     
  16. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    I have to do something. I want to call my wife. Someone please talk to me
     
  17. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Too tired to post. Help me. I have no voice to scream
     
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Kenny,
    All I can say is you will get over her and find your other! Hopefully that is not to hard for you to see!~Joseph~
     
  19. sharlow

    sharlow New Member

    I know what you mean by getting close to some one that means the world to you and than when something bad happened to him or her ? What to do ? For me my boyfriend die a week ago.its very hard for me.i miss him very much right now.going to go see his family on friday..i'll write more later.g2g
     
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