Getting closer to the edge

[isoko49]

I found this forum last week when my thoughts of suicide started coming back stronger.....I guess they never really went away. My consultant and cpn both know and I've just told my husband that I'm finding life harder than he thought. The only reason I'm still here today is the thought of hurting him and my 2 daughters but it's now getting to the point where that will stop mattering and I'll just do it anyway. I have enough pills stored up and if I do go ahead with it, I will have one last morning playing with my girls, put them to nursery and then go home, take pills and be found a few hours later by my cpn (don't want it to be hubby who finds me). I'm terrified at the thought but in my head it seems to be the only option for me. I can't cope with looking after my girls (aged 1 and 3) by myself all day and yet I can't cope without them (they're at nursery every day and I'm at home on my own). I've tried so hard to put these thoughts aside - I have counselling every other week plus my cpn (community psych nurse) and consultant, health visitor, creative writing group, friendly GP and friends. Plus the most wonderful husband who is also my best friend - but that makes it harder. I'm so detached from him and hearing him say how much he loves me and couldn't be without me etc., it just makes me feel even worse for not managing to get better - and I kNOW it's an illness and not really me but even so.....I have a good guilt complex.
Please help

 

[dazzle11215]

sometimes when we are in a crisis we can only see the one option. but this is your illness talking, and whatever you do you should not give in to what it tells you. the best thing to do in a crisis, in my experience, is to ask for help immediately. you could call your CPN and tell her/him that you need to see them today, right away. or you could just head on over to the Emergency room and talk to the crisis team. Sure, it's scary (I know, I've done it), but not as scary as your suicidal thoughts, and they really understand and can help you. Please reach out for some in-person help, okay? You are worth it.

 

[Stranger1]

Hello!
Do you see a shrink? Have you been diagnosed? Are you on meds? If Not you should go to the emergency room and tell them you are in crisis and are about to do harm to yourself. It helps if you write down everything that is happening to you. That way you don't forget anything. More than likely they will admit you so they can come up with a diagnosis, and determin what combo of meds to put you on. Don't be afraid to be admitted. The staff in the physc wards are very professional and the floor techs are good at what they do.
It isn't anything to be ashamed of. You need help and you need it soon!! Bring a couple of books to read because it is boring in there. I usually walk circles around the ward to burn up some of the built up energy. Then I will go back to my room and read. The help is there, you just need to ask for it. I have been in a facility called ACT seven times because I didn't have insurance. Once I got insurance they refered me back to the hospitals ward. It was more comfortable, and the food was better. When you get out we will still be here for you. You will make friends here at the forum fairley easy. Your husband and daughters need you alive. Seek the help for them. You should sit your husband down and let him know what is happening with you. That will be more support for you. Give it a go and see if it doesn't help you!! Good Luck!!~Joseph~

 

[dazzle11215]

how are you feeling today?

 

[Sadeyes]

I am so sorry you are feeling awful...most of us here know how that feels and it sXXks...sounds like you have tried many things to feel better...it is when I decided that whatever I needed to do to feel better (e.g. trust, love, be loved, etc.) could not be worse than how I was feeling, I started to have a glimmer of light and hope...feeling without the exit plan is so very frightening...I had the exit plan on the table for yrs...if I did not succeed, if I did not get my stuff straightened out, at least I knew there was something I could do...I am an active person, who likes to be in control, and this gave me a sense of control...and about feeling guilty/ashamed...if this was such an easy problem to fix, we all would not be here...you are doing so much to try and you should take that in...why not set a smaller goal, to exercise/meditate/listen to music/plant whatever for 10 min and make sure you give yourself kudoos for doing that...just a thought...big hugs and plez keep posting and letting us know how you are doing...J