I am thinking of killing myself not because I don't want to live, I just don't want to live with the nightmares, the fear, the self loathing I carry around with me because of something that happened in my past. This life is too painful, and I know that life is not meant to be lived in this kind of pain, not when I see my friends and family living happy, healthy and productive lives and I just exist alone in this hell. The loneliness of the struggle is what is killing me. I would like to think I am a strong person, but sometimes trauma has a funny way of fucking with your strength and taking it from you, robbing you of it. My dilemma is how to do it, I don't want to botch it up and make my life even more misreable. I also don't want to botch it up and then have to face those in my life and feel more shame and guilt for attempting to kill myself. But isn't that funny, I hesitate to kill myself because I lack a certainty of being successful at it. Paralyzed again because of my fucking mind not being able to make up its mind. Fuck. I just want the pain to go away, far far away and leave me the fuck alone so I don't have to kill myself. So I can once again believe that there is something good in my future, something more than just constant pain and fear, day in and day out. I hate spending so much time thinking about killing myself, when I should be thinking about how to live my life. But I am consumed by thoughts of ending it, which is a shitty shitty way to go one day after day. But maybe the wanting to die is just how I get relief from the pain, it gives me hope right now that there is a possible way to end the pain. But then I wonder, how do we know that there is not just more pain after death? What makes us think that the pain will end with death? What if it just carries on? Or gets worse? The uncertainty factor really makes this decision difficult. What is behind Door #1 could be worse than what I already have...and wouldn't that be a kick in the ass. I wish this was an easier decision, I wish I did not have my wits about me, I wish I was not capable of rational thought, it would be so much easier then to escape. But no, my mind is intact, alert, able to process thoughts, form complete sentences, follow logic, and in most cases, remain rational and control behavoir that threatens my existence. But what is the part of me that wants out of this existence so badly? That cannot tolerate the pain, that feels tormented by loneliness, fear, shame and guilt. That feels like I am the only one in the world that feels like she does not belong or deserve to be here. That feels like no one understands or listens, that no one can help her, that is afraid to ask for help, that feels ashamed of being this way, that feels weak and afraid. That latter part of me is growing stronger, and I fear that I cannot fight it much longer, I may give up out of sheer exhaustion or just because I know it is the only choice I may have left at some point.