Still very depressed, still on Cymbalta. Two weeks ago I took xxx in 5 days, missed work because I was sick so stayed home. I thought this would do it but I ended up sleeping about 20 hrs a day. I took xxx3 days ago, still woke up. The weird thing is, no one really knows I am wanting to die to this level. I am decent at faking it. They know I am depressed and on medication but not the level of my depression. I cannot see me doing this for another 20-30 years(life I mean). It is not fair to anyone around me, especially my wife. I am 49 years old, married 27 years. All my sicknesses have drained me and I have had 3 family members(2 uncles and a cousin) kill themselves. My mother is mentally ill and tried 3 times when I was young so it is very much hereditary. If I do it, my family is set financially so no worries there. All I want to do is take medicine and sleep, dont want to be awake, dont want to leave my couch. Somehow I struggle to work because that is what I am supposed to do. Lef has no meaning, there is no inward drive to survive. I look forward to my death. I see friends who have terminal cancer and ask GOD to let them live and give it to me. They are fighting so hard and here I sit like this, I feel guilty but cant control the feeling inside. If I could I would revert back to how I was 5 years ago in a second. I am trying, taking meds, sought help, just not working. I dont make big productions out of thinking about suicide. I tell everyone around me I am doing OK. This is the only place I can pour out what I am thinking 100%. Thank you.
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