Getting closer

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JCC2011, Sep 19, 2011.

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  1. JCC2011

    JCC2011 Member

    Still very depressed, still on Cymbalta. Two weeks ago I took xxx in 5 days, missed work because I was sick so stayed home. I thought this would do it but I ended up sleeping about 20 hrs a day. I took xxx3 days ago, still woke up. The weird thing is, no one really knows I am wanting to die to this level. I am decent at faking it. They know I am depressed and on medication but not the level of my depression. I cannot see me doing this for another 20-30 years(life I mean). It is not fair to anyone around me, especially my wife. I am 49 years old, married 27 years. All my sicknesses have drained me and I have had 3 family members(2 uncles and a cousin) kill themselves. My mother is mentally ill and tried 3 times when I was young so it is very much hereditary. If I do it, my family is set financially so no worries there. All I want to do is take medicine and sleep, dont want to be awake, dont want to leave my couch. Somehow I struggle to work because that is what I am supposed to do. Lef has no meaning, there is no inward drive to survive. I look forward to my death. I see friends who have terminal cancer and ask GOD to let them live and give it to me. They are fighting so hard and here I sit like this, I feel guilty but cant control the feeling inside. If I could I would revert back to how I was 5 years ago in a second. I am trying, taking meds, sought help, just not working. I dont make big productions out of thinking about suicide. I tell everyone around me I am doing OK. This is the only place I can pour out what I am thinking 100%. Thank you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I think many here can relate to having to say they're feeling OK when they're really not. I still do that in order to not worry others. And meds... at times I have been disappointed with their limitations as well. Thanks again and take care...Alex
     
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I read through another post of yours also, and I'm very sorry your mom did that in front of you. Guess you've been taught well that suicide is a coping skill, but reality, it's not..

    Your making your health worse, your going to feel worse.. It will make you sleep, I slept 40 hrs straight weeks after I did this, still haven't bounced back to how I was feeling before I did it.

    It didn't help anything. Made everything worse. Still here to get to deal with it all.. Kind of confused as to whether I want to be or not, but my mood isn't quite as bad. It's hereditary in my family also. I should hope that doesn't mean I'm cursed.

    You can find other ways to deal with it, better ways, instead of taking an overdose, why not call your doctor or 911, ask for help?? Have you thought about talking to a therapist one on one? Maybe cymbalta isn't the medication to help. Obviously, it's not working.. How long have you been taking it?

    Glad you found a place to talk.. Well I feel the same way about this forum. Only place I really open up as well. Hope it helps.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun talk to you doctor talk okay stop using the meds that way it will only cause you more depression change your medication if is not working change them okay get on newer meds but TALK BE HONEST WITH PEOPLE that care okay so you can heal Your wife loves you hun please don't put her through the loss of you through suicide please take care and get help hugs
     
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