Getting harder to cope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 12public, Nov 8, 2014.

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  1. 12public

    12public New Member

    Everything I read online seems to assume that if you have suicidal feelings you must have depression... I don't think I have depression. I'm definitely not happy though.

    I just started high school this year but couldn't stand it and kept missing days until a little over a month ago I started being home-schooled. I hated it because I didn't really have any friends, I don't have much experience making friends, I don't relate to many people my age, I have a lot of trouble getting schoolwork done, and the more days of school I missed, the more the kids there pushed me around.

    I was then prescribed Celexa for depression/anxiety, even though I didn't want it. I was taken off of it 2 weeks later as I didn't notice a difference and it seemed the problems I had were situational. 4 days ago I started taking Concerta for ADHD, but it's only an 18 mg dose and I see no improvements yet.

    I'm extremely alone. I've only got one friend that I hang out with every few weekends and my parents. I think my mom might actually have an anxiety disorder. A lot of the time she seems upset and I try to avoid her. I can't talk to my parents about what I'm experiencing.. I just want solutions but they can't seem to come up with any. I can't be by myself this much though. I've got nothing to do but homework which is extremely difficult for me to finish and it makes me so sad. My dad seems to think that if I put enough energy into it I will be able to get my work done and doesn't understand me when I say that I want to, but I just get so frustrated. I try to talk to my parents about what I'm feeling and what I want in order to feel better everyday, but they're always just like "this again?". I feel trapped with only negative energy to feed off of and no solutions. Right now I have the fan on because I don't want to hear my parents' voices.

    I'm not sad all the time. Sometimes I'm very happy- you know, if I find something to be excited by, but things like that are becoming more and more sparse when I'm hardly having any new experiences anymore. I can't live like this; I need interaction with people but I have no opportunities for it. Sometimes I can't even deal with my emotions anymore and I scream or cry or rock back and forth or turn the lights off and hide under the covers for a little while. And if I'm sick of doing that, well, I'll think about killing myself or, more recently, self-harming. But then half an hour later I'll feel okay again. This has been happening more lately which scares me but honestly, I don't think it's possible for me to get depressed. My emotions are too variable for it. I'm not bipolar though because there's always triggers.

    If you took the time to read through this I really appreciate it. :) Any advice?
  2. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Hey there 12public! You're doing great! I've heard about people who couldn't express they needed help and went way down in a spiral, and then it's hard to climb up again. Well, you know, I went from being a very shy and closed off person to a very popular, expressive and open-minded one, I had lot's of fun. My parents don't feel me, they talk only to my body but not to my feelings, so I recognise what you're saying there. I have no friends left since I have had an accident and all people moved on like I never existed, but one who lives in another city and another who lives abroad and I can't travel anymore. So let's shake hands.
    Well, as to how to get your life up and going and get yourself really enjoying yourself, this was my way: look for hobbies that you like! Like them, and pretend to yourself that you like them even more, just love and adore all hobbies that you can find. Really, all that you need is to feel good. Then people won't bully you anymore, they will love you because positivism is infectuous. My hobbies when I was still doing fine were dancing (Argentine Tango, now is a real sensitive dance, makes you meet lot's of open-minded people, I had such good times on the dancefloor), singing, meditating, karate, yoga, tai chi, swimming, taking walks, playing with pets, painting, writing poems, studying self help literature, cooking, traveling, and so on... I've had this accident which left me in a crazy dark suicidal phase. I am not depressed, I feel happy, but my suffering was so intens that I just wanted my life to end. I found a way of facing my suffering, which is why I'm still live, I'll write about it in a different thread, Since then I've picked up new hobbies, playing guitar, playing cello, gardening, sculpting, knitting. Find yourself a passion! And once you have a passion, you will no longer depend on others, and you will connect with others more easily, and you will meet strangers who don't know you yet and who will like you, and you'll make friends and meet their friends.
  3. 12public

    12public New Member

    Thanks, Jasp !! It's nice to hear someone's success story. It's hard to find things to do in my town but I'm thinking of taking karate classes so I can meet new people after seeing your response. It's a start!
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    12Public, Hi and Welcome to SF. To be truthful you sound already, like a positive person. Keep it up, Karate will be good for you I would recommend you check out a couple Dojo's first, try and watch before you join. they are not all the same. Meet the Sensi and take your time before you join.

    I think & feel that the people here will help you as long as you feel you can use it and do their best for you. I wish you the best and I do feel that you have a bright future.
  5. 12public

    12public New Member

    Thank you! I will.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I was on concerta when i was younger, 18mg is a low dose. Give it time though, for me it didn't work though I was on 54mg (not sure about dose)

    What about making a friend or two to decrease isolation from being homeschooled or join a club after school to make friends?
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