I have a real hard time staying alive, and my mom did before depression, drugs and alcohol killed her. But she was heart breakingly beautiful in her earnest desire to try and live and take care of the family and things she had been taught to believe in.And by take care of things, that meant hands on stuff, working, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc.The real torture for her, and for me I think, is that you still feel you should do your best no matter how unbearable or pointless you feel it all is. It is so hard to get help for myself while watching people like my 2 sisters, who have been on public assistance and programs and going from county to county and state to state their whole life telling someone new their sad story, till that town/person/program tired of offering resources that they finally have to admit are being squandered. I cant compare someone slumped on the couch nodding all day for 20 years while they get housing and healthcare, or hospitalized and coddled cause they are uncontrollable in their desire for drugs for 20 plus years, to a person tortured like my mom, a caryatid, just wanting to be a good human and do well, learn more, and try to be better, even and especially if it sucks to do it. I want to break down and say I cant do all this stuff too, like they have for all these years.I guess the most horrifying thing of all is that I can keep doing it, I dont collapse.I just want to break and I cant, I think its from years of watching how they handled their problems. Sure Id love it if some med worked, but genetics and plenty of street availability have shown me that most of the drugs for depression make me instantly suicidal or enraged.I really cant take this crap. Edit:I guess I was blowing off steam cause I have been spending too many hours thinking all I need is some garden hose the last three four days.