I haven't been really happy for a few years now. I never smile anymore. My boyfriend was the only thing in my life that made me happy. Now he is gone and already dating someone else and happy. Meanwhile I am miserable. He deserves to be happy anyway. I probably was dragging him down. I guess I am just a downer. I am a competitive runner, and running is a huge part of my life, but I have an injury now. The one thing I love I can't do anymore. I transferred to a new college and don't know anyone here. I feel so alone and empty. I think about killing myself everyday, but I don't think I can ever do it. I am too much of a pussy. I could never work up the courage to do it. My dad killed himself when I was 9 years old. It sucks because if I killed myself I don't know if my mom could handle it. She loves me unfortunately. I don't know how my dad did it. I wish I could do it but I can't. I just stick with drinking, cutting, and taking XXX to make myself feel better for just a little bit. I also love sleeping. I just don't want to think anymore. My mind is my own worst enemy. I am a terrible person and totally worthless. I go to UC Berkeley on scholarship, but I don't deserve to go there. I just don't care about anything anymore and I'm struggling bad in all my classes because of it. I desperately want to get help. I know my school has good counselors, but I will never make an appointment. I am too embarrassed and scared to do it. I wish I could just go without making the call. I need someone to talk to. I just feel so bad all the time. I am sick of feeling like this. Sorry for rambling and lack of order in this rant. I just don't care about myself anymore.