getting into a really bad state of mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by simulacrum, Apr 30, 2012.

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  1. simulacrum

    simulacrum New Member

    i feel like my life has fallen apart and there is literally no fucking hope that i'm going to be happy again. senior in college, already fucked up two semesters from drinking and being depressed and planning to kill myself anyway, and here i am fucking up at the end of the semester without a clue about what i'm going to do with my life. i'm binge drinking almost every night, my girlfriend left me a week ago because i'm a worthless piece of shit, i have no FUCKING outlook for the future because i've squandered every good thing that's ever happened to me. it's to the point that i need to shoot myself in the head and save my parents the burden and embarrassment of having to deal with their worthless fuckup piece of shit son.

    during what was supposed to be my junior year i went from four semesters of immaculate grades to just falling into a black hole, straight Fs and some administrative withdraws. then just to prove to myself that i'm not completely retarded i took the maximum amount of hours possible last semester, all As and a B. but the damage has been done and there's not a fucking chance that i'm going anywhere academically. i haven't shown my face in class in weeks. i had my chance and i wasted it like i've wasted everything else that's been given to me.

    my girlfriend was my first sexual relationship. we were together for a year. i shared a very significant part of my life with her, we did so many wonderful things together. i had a life i thought would never happen to me, an inept, withdrawn loser. i fucked it up, and that chapter of my life is over. i'm stuck living again with my parents, socially isolated, hiding in my childhood bedroom. a real success story at 22.

    over the past week suicide has been looming larger in my mind. the realization hit me so hard earlier that i cried harder than i ever have. waah, look at the 22 year old baby crying because he fucked up college and lost his house and his girlfriend. hi everyone, i'm a worthless pile of shit who can't even deal with life.

    i just dread knowing how much it will hurt my parents. they have given me everything, and i've squandered it. i'm nothing but wasted effort, failure to launch, but i was their little boy and i was supposed to grow up and be happy because they loved me. they still love me, and i feel nothing but profound sorrow and guilt.

    it's not like this is all about fucking up college. i hardly exist as a person in the first place, and brief happiness is just me forgetting that fact. you know that feeling when you realize that you've been a fuckup all along, and everything else was just self-deception? it's not even a lie or a distortion. i'm not "just not seeing straight". realizing you're a worthless piece of shit doesn't have to be irrational.

    i hate that my life has turned out this way. i want to apologize to the self i should have become. i would never have seen this coming 5 years ago. i just want to sleep in my bed all day, and not be aware.
     
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi simulacrum, welcome to SF :)
    Honey, there is a deep person inside of you that is asking a lot of questions about life and this is the way its presenting. This time is an opportunity to front up to your parents, and tell them you're going through a bad patch and need them to be there for you while you get yourself back on your feet. Every day is a new beginning, and your future will not be the same as this, or your past, once you get the missing insights you have not had in the past. You do have the power to change this all around, although at the moment you might not feel that you do.

    Hey, this is just a random suggestion, but if you have a Bible, look up the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15 v.11 - he felt EXACTLY THE SAME as what you've written. It's an indication, at a much deeper level, of the Father's love for us, even when we feel like worthless piles of shit who cannot deal with life.

    Meanwhile, we are here for you hun to help you back on your feet and discover your truly awesome-ness.
     
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