i feel like my life has fallen apart and there is literally no fucking hope that i'm going to be happy again. senior in college, already fucked up two semesters from drinking and being depressed and planning to kill myself anyway, and here i am fucking up at the end of the semester without a clue about what i'm going to do with my life. i'm binge drinking almost every night, my girlfriend left me a week ago because i'm a worthless piece of shit, i have no FUCKING outlook for the future because i've squandered every good thing that's ever happened to me. it's to the point that i need to shoot myself in the head and save my parents the burden and embarrassment of having to deal with their worthless fuckup piece of shit son. during what was supposed to be my junior year i went from four semesters of immaculate grades to just falling into a black hole, straight Fs and some administrative withdraws. then just to prove to myself that i'm not completely retarded i took the maximum amount of hours possible last semester, all As and a B. but the damage has been done and there's not a fucking chance that i'm going anywhere academically. i haven't shown my face in class in weeks. i had my chance and i wasted it like i've wasted everything else that's been given to me. my girlfriend was my first sexual relationship. we were together for a year. i shared a very significant part of my life with her, we did so many wonderful things together. i had a life i thought would never happen to me, an inept, withdrawn loser. i fucked it up, and that chapter of my life is over. i'm stuck living again with my parents, socially isolated, hiding in my childhood bedroom. a real success story at 22. over the past week suicide has been looming larger in my mind. the realization hit me so hard earlier that i cried harder than i ever have. waah, look at the 22 year old baby crying because he fucked up college and lost his house and his girlfriend. hi everyone, i'm a worthless pile of shit who can't even deal with life. i just dread knowing how much it will hurt my parents. they have given me everything, and i've squandered it. i'm nothing but wasted effort, failure to launch, but i was their little boy and i was supposed to grow up and be happy because they loved me. they still love me, and i feel nothing but profound sorrow and guilt. it's not like this is all about fucking up college. i hardly exist as a person in the first place, and brief happiness is just me forgetting that fact. you know that feeling when you realize that you've been a fuckup all along, and everything else was just self-deception? it's not even a lie or a distortion. i'm not "just not seeing straight". realizing you're a worthless piece of shit doesn't have to be irrational. i hate that my life has turned out this way. i want to apologize to the self i should have become. i would never have seen this coming 5 years ago. i just want to sleep in my bed all day, and not be aware.