getting it off my chest

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by abe6, May 8, 2011.

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  1. abe6

    abe6 Member

    suicide is all i think about lately. the one hump i cannot get over is all the people that are in my life, how they would be think of me post-suicide and the impact it would have on their lives and the shame i would bring on myself and my memory if i committed suicide. I envy everyone who say they have no friends or people that care about them. if i was in that situation i would be long gone. i'd give the world to trade spots with someone who had no one in their life

    long story short and the reason i'm in this position is that i've put myself in a position that there is no recovery from. i have fallen so far from the top. i'm afraid that i won't have the balls to shake to anticipation inevitable post-mortem shame that would come upon suicide, i don't believe in the afterlife so it makes no sense that it bothers me but this is the only thing holding me back. i've contemplated all kinds of scenarios where i would go but that suicide as the cause would be seriously doubted, all of these require more chance(not 100% certain) and pain than i'd like, but i think im moving towards it. and absolutely no one in my life would think in a million years i would do this so that works in my favor if i decide to go for the accidental route. i have never been a suicidal or depressed person but circumstances, of which are partly my fault, have led me here. just getting this off my chest...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hope you can post more about the circumstances Alot of us have fallen down the wrong path made wrong decisions but there is always away out. It may take time some work but one can change t hings make them go in another directiton again Keep posting okay keep getting things off that chest and on here so others can help you find that different path to take hugs
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You are letting negative thoughts run your life.. You need to kick them to the curb and think about positive thoughts such as how much you are loved by your family..Make a list of positive thoughts and when your down read the list..
  4. Itsme:)

    Itsme:) Well-Known Member

    Let us know about the things that caused you to start feeling suicidal, it'll help you

    + focus on the things that are keeping you here whilst you are feeling low

    Hope you're doing okay x
  5. abe6

    abe6 Member

    There is a way out, it's just that the way out I will never be able to mentally handle. I brought it on myself, expectations too high, i was too high in life to come down from but here I am.

    as much I wish it was just negative thoughts or clinical depression, its not. it's dire circumstances and the solution to the problem I just cannot mentally handle(i guess here is where my anxiety problems fit in)

    I'm too ashamed even though this is anonymous :(. Imagine everything in life being perfect and then have that do a complete 180. everyone in life looking at you differently. will they be supportive? i know my family and most of my friends will be, some of whom will look at me the same and some who won't but will still be supportive and caring. but there's a world of people beyond that who will all never look at me the same again. its easy to say who cares your friends and family will still be by your side, but in my position i just am not mentally strong enough. I am just falling from too high a height in life. If I explained circumstances in detail I think it would probably pale in comparison to what many here are facing(and this is why i don't want nor deserve pity) but I am not mentally capable of handling the consequences of my situation

    It's the shame of being remembered as committing suicide that's keeping me alive. I have been putting alot of energy into thinking of ways to make everyone seriously doubt that it was suicide and until I come up with something certain, I will still be here :) or of course if I find the courage to face everything I'm dealing with though that has so far been a rousing failure. it would just be so easy if i could just push a button and be done with life :(

    I appreciate the comments, putting this all on paper is definitely helping. Please don't pity me though, I've had plenty of chances in life, its my own fault i've failed. thanks everyone
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2011
  6. abe6

    abe6 Member

    reading other people's stories makes me feel so much worse. I am wishing I was in a situation where no one would remember me if i was gone so I could just off myself with ease and everyone else is wishing just the opposite. i am a pathetic person
  7. tykata

    tykata Member

    From the perspective of someone who has no friends, you shouldn't envy our position. Isolation cripples your spirit, you have an amazing coping stratergy in the guilt you would feel if you were gone. Though guilt is probably not a healthy emotion it keeps you grounded and safe and that's important at times such as these
  8. abe6

    abe6 Member

    I know how ridiculous it sounds but if I had no friends I would have done it already, with no web of people there's no one to disappoint and no memory to tarnish, you could just go. it's such a sick and twisted way of thinking but here I am at that point, trying to think a scenario involving a convincing enough "accident" :(

    It's more shame than guilt, unfortunately, the shame of everyone knowing I committed suicide. i'd give anything to not have it bother me so much so i just could just let go, but the feeling of shame is why i'm in this state of mind in the first place so i guess it makes sense. at the end of the day, i'm at peace with the idea of not living anymore
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2011
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