Getting much, much worse

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~Jaded~, Jun 26, 2011.

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  1. ~Jaded~

    ~Jaded~ Active Member

    Things have gotten really bad, really fast.

    I wound up in A+E on Thursday, I OD'd on my xxxxxx, I hardly even remember doing it. I know know I was drunk, and my had Susan had had, a sort of fight, I wasn't really a fight, but I could tell she was upset with me, and she wanted to go for a walk on her own. I remember being pretty upset, and feeling frustrated that she'd never be able to accept me as me, but I still can't believe I'd have had all those pills, there was 50+ mgs there, I'm bloody lucky that she came home and found me when she did. I just don't get why I did it. Sure I'm pretty up and down at the moment, but I don't want to die, I know that, so what the hell was I thinking.

    I'm losing control of myself. In the past 3 weeks I'm ended up sectioned, cut way too deep on too nay occasions, and now this. These ups and down are crazy. I get incredibly low, and end up kinda manic, then I go on a drink and drugs binge, and do something stupid like this. Afterwards I get this weird feeling of calm - It almost feels like how I felt the night before I tried to kill myself - it last for about a week, and then I lose control again. I at the wired calm stage now, and it strange, I can have genuinely happy moments curing it, but I know they'll go away again, it makes me hate them.

    I scared, because right now I don't want to die, I just want to be happy and get on with my life. Sure I'm a little confused, and relativity unhappy most of the time, but I can deal with that, I don't want to die. But I have no idea what's gonna happen next time I lose control, and I have no idea when that will be. I'm terrified of myself, and that's defiantly new, I've been a fucking wreck before, but even during all my time in ward I've never felt like this, I'm completely at odds with myself, it's almost like I'm two different people. It's almost like being bi-polar, except I know I'm not, and the "highs" are genuine happy one's, not manic one's, the manic phase comes when I'm down.

    How do I get back in control, because right now things are okay, not great, but okay, and I want them to stay like this, but I know they wont. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've never been scared of myself like this before, and it's horrible.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry things have gotten so out of hand...I have no real words of wisdom, but only to say, you are cared for here and I hope things begin to lighten up soon, big hugs
  3. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    You said you was drunk. When we are drunk, we do stupid things we didn't think we'd do when we are not drunk. Just 2 days ago, I drunk a bottle of Vodka and Japanese beer. I jumped on the wrong bus and ended up in an area I was unfamiliar with. Luckily a group of American's who was on the bus told me how to get back. But I would have never made the decision to jump on the wrong bus, if I were not drunk.

    The solution is purely not to drink. I think the fact you have a will to live still, will make it so you will see that the drinking takes control of you and makes you do things to which you otherwise wouldn't.

    Good luck and it is never too late to make up with your friend. You have time and like they say, time heals all.
  4. Megz

    Megz Active Member

    I don't really have any magical words of wisdom but I can say that I have experienced to some degree what you describe in the past. I would be fine for a while and like you say really enjoy the highs of life - and I understand completely when you say that they are not manic because I always maintained that view too. But then a low hits, mine were usually environmental, the last straw usually because I'd been feeling this way for a while and something external and stressful (but usually relatively minor) would occur and I'd go off on one. I drank most weekends but while I felt like this I would drink every night, watch music DVD's, play on the computer, anything to block it all out. Then I couldn't block it all out and I'd explode and usually attempt, or run away from everything. I have left 3 houses and jobs without so much as a word and set up in a different area leaving my parents to sort out the mess.

    I can only say that I took the pressure off myself completely and gave myself a chance to heal totally after my last episode. I used to get into that calm phase you spoke about and just throw myself in at the deep end again, piling all the pressure back on until I blew again. Talking to a councillor helped as did some mild anti depressants, and then one day at a time out of the hole I was in. Drink usually puts people into a 'fuck it' state of mind, so if I feel like that anyway I don't have a drink, and I don't drink alone any more.

    I've felt like drinking myself into a coma these past few months but haven't because I'm scared of what I'll do. Can you access a councillor through your GP?

    I hope that you manage to work this out because once you realise you can do it, you know that the lifespan of the low is limited, and that gives me the courage to hang on another day and wait for things to start righting themselves.

    Good luck ~ well done for putting it all on here and asking for help that's a big hurdle overcome X
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