Things have gotten really bad, really fast. I wound up in A+E on Thursday, I OD'd on my xxxxxx, I hardly even remember doing it. I know know I was drunk, and my had Susan had had, a sort of fight, I wasn't really a fight, but I could tell she was upset with me, and she wanted to go for a walk on her own. I remember being pretty upset, and feeling frustrated that she'd never be able to accept me as me, but I still can't believe I'd have had all those pills, there was 50+ mgs there, I'm bloody lucky that she came home and found me when she did. I just don't get why I did it. Sure I'm pretty up and down at the moment, but I don't want to die, I know that, so what the hell was I thinking. I'm losing control of myself. In the past 3 weeks I'm ended up sectioned, cut way too deep on too nay occasions, and now this. These ups and down are crazy. I get incredibly low, and end up kinda manic, then I go on a drink and drugs binge, and do something stupid like this. Afterwards I get this weird feeling of calm - It almost feels like how I felt the night before I tried to kill myself - it last for about a week, and then I lose control again. I at the wired calm stage now, and it strange, I can have genuinely happy moments curing it, but I know they'll go away again, it makes me hate them. I scared, because right now I don't want to die, I just want to be happy and get on with my life. Sure I'm a little confused, and relativity unhappy most of the time, but I can deal with that, I don't want to die. But I have no idea what's gonna happen next time I lose control, and I have no idea when that will be. I'm terrified of myself, and that's defiantly new, I've been a fucking wreck before, but even during all my time in ward I've never felt like this, I'm completely at odds with myself, it's almost like I'm two different people. It's almost like being bi-polar, except I know I'm not, and the "highs" are genuine happy one's, not manic one's, the manic phase comes when I'm down. How do I get back in control, because right now things are okay, not great, but okay, and I want them to stay like this, but I know they wont. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've never been scared of myself like this before, and it's horrible.