Last night I decided to quit playing around, and started making serious plans to kill myself. I have been suffering from depression for many years, and have even survived 2 serious attempts to die (maybe 3 times is a charm?). I feel so broken, and I feel that my entire life is jsut distraction from the brokenness. I have no supports left. I have driven all my friends away. My girlfriend is leaving me, my ex-wife hates me, and my family is several thousand miles away. There are people that will miss me- but I know they will forget about me in time, and none of them can help me. I hate my job, and no one at my job knows the real me- only the "Clark Kent" persona I portray. The one thing that has gave me joy- the different community work I do, where I am a leader has lost its joy. I am only going through the motions of my life, and acting out a character. There is nothing that makes me happy anymore- I don't know how to be happy. The one thing I had left was my integrity- and I have lost that completely. I want to die. When I decided to really do it this time- I was so happy. I felt that finally there will be an end to all the pain, guilt, shame, and loss. I am tired of hurting people, and being a burden and emotional liability. I keep fucking up people's lives around me, and getting even more broken. Actually it's like the brokenness is my core and my life goes through cycles of covering or uncovering that core. I have done so many thing no one would believe, and I have learned so much about death, life, and existence. However- all my knowledge, power, and will, fails to heal me. It fails to make things better. What is the point of my life- if all my life I have wanted nothing but to help people and live a life of service- but I do nothing but keep hurting them. I am doing everyone a favor. I am toxic. I am a vampire. I am a rotting corpse. I just want the monster I am turning into to die, along with all the negative emotions I feel. I just need a little mercy and reprieve from all this. I just want to be put out of misery.