Getting pushed so close to the edge... (possible trigger)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheHeartAsksPleasureFirst, Jun 28, 2010.

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  1. It hurt's me to say that i have been contemplating suicide for a long while now, more recently though, a few times every hour of every day, with the feelings becoming more intense.
    I don't want sympathy in anything I have been through in my life, because at the end of the day, everyone has issues in their life, it's just how strong they are to that individual and how they affect them.
    I've been through sexual abuse, by the one person my mum trusted not to harm anyone, her husband, my stepdad. My parents divorcing when I was young. Watching my mum get threatened down the stairs with a knife by my dad when I was 3. And a horendous breakup which ended 9 months ago which im still feeling the full effect of, expecially after meeting back up with him at 3am a few months back and getting pregnant, only to be caused so much stress to end up having a misscarraige anyway. Also finding out 2 weeks later that my ex was with someone else and didn't tell me.
    I think it's the situation with my ex that has mate me feel how I do this very second, infact it's 3 years today since I have met him, and 3 years of an emotional rollercoaster. The relationship with my mum has deteriorated because as far as she is concerned, I should be able to move on with my life and I should no longer feel how I do- but I can't change, it's like I have a huge block in the way and I can't see anything anymore.

    I now feel like I cannot control one aspect of my life, how I treat people, my constand mood changes that can last from 10 minutes to days, the fact that I once had goals and aspirations in life but they have all deteriorated and vanished into nothing. I want to feel safe and at home once again but I feel as if I cannot change anything. I feel bitter towards so many people I shouldnt, no matter how small the trigger is, im filled with so much hate and anger towards them. I think as well as severe depression, that i have BPD.
    Im now at the point where the thought of suicide is what makes me feel content, what it would be like to feel my organs shutting down one by one. I've cut before and overdosed on various cocktails before but none of this has ever been enough.

    Im really scared.
    Because I don't know what is going to happen next...
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi there yes we all have our issues, but that is hearsay what is affecting you know is important I hope you know that, you did not deserve to have those things happen to you, have you tried talking to anyone professional about it? Believe me when I say you do not have to die okay, there is a way through this and you do deserve to find some happiness in your life. That is just my opinion.

    In order to move forward you do need to confirm what you have, and be able to learn how to cope with it.

    Take Care

  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I have to say that the fear of being lonely will make us women put up with many things. I had an ex that would choke me constantly and he would beg me to kill him. Man, that was screwed up. Once I was finally rid of him (he robbed a gas station,) I still visitied him and put money on his books. Why? Because for a year and a half he kept me from being lonely. Finally I realized that this was my chance to finally get a way. So I did. It may hurt for now, but there are PLENTY of men out there. Trust me when I say that. Cheer up. Since he cheated on you, he proved he is not worthy of you. Not the other way around. There are men out there that do not cheat. Take your time to heal, and know that you are a unique and speacial woman that has something to offer a man. Stop looking down on yourself. You are a somebody, and if you arent to your ex, you will be to someone else. Blessings..
  4. Thanks Rich

    I haven't talked to anyone professional as of yet, im not quite sure who would be best. I've been through councelling and about 4 social workers but I haven't had them for the last 2 years, they seemed not to last very long, expecially the Social Workers, they chopped and changed far too much. My GP was supposed to be sorting me out another councellor when he put me on anti-depressants back in Feb but I have not heard from him since even though i've chased him up, am hoping to book an appointment with him tomorrow, even though he's pretty useless at sorting things out. Im not sure who else to go to :/

    And thankyou Nicole

    My ex didn't cheat, he basically came back to me 3am one morning because he was lonley and I once again fell for his ways just like I did the past 3 years, just so happend that I got pregnant in the process (sorry for making it sound as if he cheated). I agree with how we stick by men because we are lonely, even though he has moved on, I feel as if I am holding on because I cannot physically bring myself to change.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2010
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Yeah doctors can be a nightmare I actually requested to see another, and she is amazing she sorted my meds therapy and work, they even after 26 years diagnosed what is wrong with me, what I am trying to say in my round about way is you have to give yourself a chance please, keep fighting. I know what it is like constantly hitting a brick wall not getting the support you need, you think suicide is the only option- I fight those thoughts everyday and it is horrible.

    Please keep pushing, my pm is always open if you need to vent or talk. And you have the support of the forum here. When you do go to the doctors ask what your options are and what support groups are available, try google too always a handy tool
  6. Thankyou

    Both the doctors in the surgery I go to aren't very helpful at all, I thought thats what a doctors job was? :/ Im glad your lucky enough to have found another.
    See my mum isn't taking anything I say seriously, because she doesn't want me to go to someone and have social workers involved again (after the stresses we had with them before) which I find pretty selfish of her seeing as she wont even help me.
    Im scared the fact how uncontrollable things are becoming with me recently, I can't control anything I do or think, even how I act to the people I love.
    The feelings of suicide are just growing and have been for a while now. It doesn't help when my mum has just told me to "f*** off and die" either :|

    Things cant get worse.
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    they are just thoughts sometimes when we have so much to handle we think it is our last option I have been there overdosing upset because it is the only way out, yet here I am still fighting, you can fight as well you just need support.

    I am sorry your mom sucks, sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that is inexcusable I just want you to keep trying please
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