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getting ready (BEWARE! pretty long)

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bob(not real name)

ive already started writing the both suicide note really just for my brother because thats the only reason i havnt killed myself a long time ago. the other is for my funeral or wake or watever. theres a little funeral home in my town that a kid i know owns and im gion to specify that they have the funeral there (in my note). i imagine death to be like a long sleep and if it is ill be glad because im happy in my dreams and thats basicaly it.

now what im sure that everyone in my towns going to be asking: WHY?

well to say the truth when i put it on paper i dont have a lot of reasons to kill myself. but its really that i feel that i have no one that i could really consider my "friend" i mean its not that im a loser nerd that sits in the corner at lunch and eats by himself everyday but i find myself putting on a fake smile everyday and i feel that im excluded out of everything in my little circle of "friends". my last relationship with a girl was 2 months ago and it lasted about 2 days and i cant hold a relationship with a girl for more than 2 weeks and thats IF any girl has enough simpathy to go out with a guy like me. and also it turns out that after living here for 4 years im going to be moving with my mom (parents are divorced) and she lives in the extreme ghetto. after 4 years of making a sorry excuse for a name for myself it turns out that its all been for shit. its really just a lot of little things piling up but i guess that the whole moving thing is wat triggered my suicide thoughts. theres more reasons then what ive written but i dont feel like going into that right now

Ive been planning it for about 2 weeks but wen i think about it ive beeen planing it my whole life. i plan to taking the train to downtown chicago and taking the elevator up in this really big building and jumping off (i went there today with my brother and one of my "friends" to shop and i was accualy keeping an eye out for anything i could jump off that would kill me) i was first goin to drown myself in my bathtub but then i decided that jumping off about 12 stories into a marble floor would be instant and painless. abviously i dont have access to a gun or else i would have killed myself a LONG time ago

i know this post isnt enough for anyone to completely understand my situation but i just want to give you guys a picture. the only reason that i havnt been madly depressed as i am right now is that i would usualy cover up my depression with tons upon tons of weed and i would ususaly smoke morning, day and night but now i cant because i got caught by my dad(another story)

anyway i plan to give it a couple of days (max about a week and a half) to see if my life gets any better and if it doesnt or gets worse i guess im take the train
Hey there!

Things sound like they are really tough for you right now and it's totally understandable that you'd be upset.

I'm really glad that you made the decision to post on this forum though! Just the fact that you would take the time to tell your story speaks to the fact that you haven't fuly made up your mind yet. That little bit of indecision is a really good thing and I truly hope you can work with that to see that suicide is not the only option you have left.

It seems that you are experiencing a lot of change in your life at the moment, with the move and everything else. Change is always hard. How are you feeling about moving in with your mom?

You mentioned that your brother has kept you from acting on thoughts of suicide earlier. You're lucky to have someone in your life that you care about so much. Is he someone you could talk to about your thoughts and feelings? Tell us more about your relationship. Has anything changed that you now feel your brother can handle the loss? Perhaps you can lean on your brother for strength - that's what family is for!!

I wish you all the best of luck and I hope that things get better for you. Sometimes just writing things down can be a huge release and can make a big difference. Hopefully that's been the case for you. Thanks for sharing your story! Take care of yourself!!
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