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getting this bad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by burntsienna, Aug 14, 2008.

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  1. burntsienna

    burntsienna New Member

    I've lingered around various forums for a couple months, sure I wasn't desperate enough yet to register. This week has pushed me down to the absolute bottom I can tolerate going. So I signed up just now.

    I have a history of depression and a history of horrible reactions to anti-depressants. Because of Zoloft, when I was 20 I almost died from a very serious suicide attempt. I swore I would never allow myself to feel like that again.

    But here I am today. I've become so isolated from working from home the last few years and I've only recently noticed just how bad that is. I feel like I have no one, and this includes my husband. He's fed up with me and that's killing me inside. But I can't blame him, I'm nothing but a mess anymore.

    Because of all my horrible, horrible experiences with doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, hospitals and medications, I've tried very hard to deal with these feelings myself. I know I put this stuff on my husband's shoulders, but up until tonight I didn't realize just how sick of me he was. He finally got up the balls to tell me he's fed up with me.

    Now I'm fighting this terrible empty feeling inside. I just feel dead. I don't want to repeat something I did 8 years ago. I don't want to hurt my family like that ever again. But I feel so totally helpless and I can't for anything fight this feeling much more.

    I don't know, I just hope that someone out there might say something that might strike the necessary chord to climb back out of this hole I feel I've dug.

    Thanks for reading this.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. You may consider trying to find a therapist you can relate to. If you find the right one It does help. How long has it been since you had someone other than your husband to vent to? Do you know what feeds your depression? Have you tried writing a journal of your thoughts and feeling? Anything to release them from being pent up inside. The more you habituate yourself to letting it out, the easier it becomes to talk about. When you are finally able to process through things some of the feelings may turn around to where you can feel more able to cope. There are many people here willing to listen and share with you. Please feel free to PM me or someone else if you are more comfortable. You don't have to go it alone. :hug:
  3. burntsienna

    burntsienna New Member

    Thanks for responding so quickly..

    The therapist thing is out of the question because our insurance no longer covers that and it is too expensive out of pocket. Unfortunately. I think I could benefit from a good therapist too.

    Yes, I only talk to my husband about this and the biggest reason why is this isn't something I can approach my friends or especially family on. For one, my husband was an alcoholic up until last summer (which I know some of this depression might have stemmed from). I feel like I've used up all my friend's shoulders with that one. I stuck around way longer than a lot of people thought I should have (I moved out last summer, which caused him to hit rock bottom and he's been way better since). Now I feel totally guilty to put anymore of my "crap" on them. So, I feel totally alone in this and for the first time it is starting to get to me too much.

    I think I've gotten so used to trying to pretend every thing is ok around people and lately I just can't do it so I don't go around people anymore. I feel really alone because I've done this, even though I thought I'd get better on my own. I don't know, I just feel so lost at this point.
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    first off :welcome: to the forum. we are glad to have you here.

    i am here to tell you you are not the only one who has such a hard time with this. i've had such a difficult time they have been doing electric shock treatments on me. if these are avaliable where you are i would seriously look into these. they have done absolute wonders on me. i still face rough times from time to time, but they don't seem to last as long as times past.

    i use to end up in the hospital three to four times a year for four to six week stays. now sinse i have begun these treatments i have gone once in a year. it's a big turn around.

    if this is not avaliable to you i would do as gentlelady said and find a therapist you can develope a good rapour with. keep charging forward. you can make it through this. it may take some time, but it is possible. just remember that. :please: take care and stay safe.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with gentlelady. You really need a good therapist. Most of them can work on a sliding scale. I see mine two times a month and she only charges me $40.00 per visit. I now have insurance thru SSI. She bills them for the rest of the money. You really need one so you can slack off on telling your husband. It will probably help you mend things between you..Take Care...
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    It's kinda lame that your husband is fed up with you, what ever happened to the vows you swear to when you marry eachother huh. Anyways how come you haven't had much success with therepists and doctors?
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm sorry to hear that things are getting bad at home. You sound like you really need someone to talk to. There are usually people in the chatroom who are more than willing to help. I find it unfortunate that your husband is fed up with you. When someone is married to another person, they should try and help them when they need it, and not give up on them. You stuck by your husband during his alcoholism. He should be there for you during your depression. Don't give up hope hun. You can get through this. :hug:
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