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Getting Through the Past

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mpang123, Oct 28, 2013.

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  1. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    At age 15, I had a psychotic breakdown where I had signs of paranoid delusions and hallucinations. I was on very primitive meds back then and they only made me walk like a zombie, so groggy that I would walk into walls, and have restlessness like crazy. I couldn't sit still in class and had to wander aroung the camputs to get rid of my agitation. I had to present a note to all my teachers that I'm not well and they all acknowledged it. I was so out of touch with myself that I only had one friend that I can open up to. When I barely graduated from high school. that's when I was officially diagnosed with chronic paranoid schizophrenia. I didn't even know what that was. I thought I had multiple personalities until I read up on my diagnosis and it described me to a T. Anyway, I never acted on my suicidal ideations (which I never told anyone about) until I had bipolar symptoms. For years and years I kept attempting one after another. The doctors didn't know what to do with me anymore. I felt like a lost cause and didn't care about my life anymore. People were giving up on me too. I was so desperate for need of attention, even though it was negative attention because I never got it from my parents or friends. Now I am schizoaffective with borderline traits. I think I finally stabilized on the meds I'm taking, with the support from this forum, my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my family. I've been suicide-free for a year and a half and although I still have ideations, I don't act on them for fear that I will really succeed this time. I think I really don't want to die, just need some help sometimes. Despite my serious mental illness, I graduated form college and was a major achievement for me because I fought so hard to finally graduate since 1989 till 2011. That shows I'm determined, intelligent, and still have some sense in me. I am now in a group therapy program 5 times a week for additions support until I progress further where I can live with minimal support. I am blessed to finally live by myself instead of living in personal care home to another personal care home. I have a lot to live for and I hope I remember that. I wish everyone well, and thank you all for your support.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am amazed at your strength and determination. You persevered. You are not letting this illness get the better of you. this could really give young people a lot of hope. and older people as well. What an inspirational story. Thanks for writing it mpang.
     
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