i don't knwo what's going on tonight. suddenly i'm feeling so incredibly depressed again. thinking getting out would be so much easier. nicer. more peaceful. i have to work tonight. on black friday. i'm scared. i have never left the house on black friday before. i don't know what to expect. i'm scared i'll screw up. i'm scared i got my shift wrong and i'm going to be late. i can't be late. ever. not even five minutes. i very much enjoy this job, right now it's the highlight of my life. i'm so scared i'll do something wrong tonight and lose this job. i just started three weeks ago, right after i got out of the hospital. i was told recently by a manager that they are all very impressed with me. i was hired as a seasonal worker, but there's a possibility of getting hired after that. i'm scared i won't get hired after the holidays. i love this job so much. i have to work until 9:15am tonight. i'm scared i'm not going to make it. i'm scared i'll fall asleep. i'm scared of the crowds. crowds scare me. not being able to move. being stuck. freaks me out. we're moving next week. selling our house. we need to box up everything. my husband won't help. he has packed three boxes so far. i do what i can, but i can't pack up the whole house by myself in one week, while working. sunday is my birthday. another freaking year older. my husband's pills are sitting in the bathroom. they almost killed me four weeks ago. i'm sure if i take some more this time it'll do the trick.