Getting to the point where I want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gophergirl, Feb 10, 2010.

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  1. gophergirl

    gophergirl New Member

    I think I've sunk into clinical depression. I'm already taking Prozac to control OCD, and that normally prevents me from being depressed anyway.

    It started off with bereavement (the death of my mother after being a 24/7 carer for 5 years). My sleep patterns have been disturbed and erratic for 2 months. Most of the time I'm sleep deprived, getting around 3 hours sleep a night, and then there are the odd times - maybe once a week when I'll sleep heavy but during the day (like today, when I couldn't sleep overnight until 6am, but then woke up at 4pm). And my appetite is disturbed.

    To top it off, I have 3 sets of neighbours from hell who alternate with loud stereo music, making my life misery, so whenever they start, I'm stuck with running around to police or council, and nothing is being done about them on a more permanent level. That's been going on for 5 years and I'm reaching my limit. One of them is a rental house where you get rid of one set of morons for another just the same. The last inhabitant threatened to slit my throat, leading to the stress of civil and criminal action which the police had to be forced to take by my lawyer because they refused to act, and were really denying me my rights as a citizen. I'm isolated in the street that way because nobody else will stand up and admit that it's happening, and some of them are chummy with the troublemakers.

    I have to cope with rejoining my profession with references that are now out of date due to being Mum's carer for so long, and returning to my studies (interrupted for the same reason) in which the OCD is a bit of a challenge. Not to mention having to wait on probate to recognise me as executor of Mum's estate and being stuck with heaps of things to fix in a house that needs to be completely restumped.

    Then I joined a well-known international high IQ group recently and came up against the local corporate narcissist type, who publically ridiculed me on a national basis, telling me that I had no mind, that everything I say is diatribe, that nothing I write has any content, that I yammer, etc, etc, and then in the past week a couple of the others have joined in the sneer and snickering at my expense, but in a subtle geeky high-IQ way. In the space of a week, I've gone from being confident about myself to feeling I have no intelligence or self-worth, have snapped back in response online (pretty forcefully actually), which I think has now put me on the outer, & I've felt ostracised and isolated. I tried doing the logical thing of contacting one of the people holding office in the society, who hasn't even bothered acknowledging my email let alone replying, so now I'm wondering whether maybe I'm not even worth the reply.

    I've spent the last few days mostly crying, although I have periods where I know both my self worth and my intelligence, except that it doesn't make any difference. I've thought about suicide in other times of stress, but the thought of a botched suicide is worse than a successful one in case I get left with just more problems.

    A few days ago my appetite was so non-existent that I didn't eat in a 24 hour period - just felt no hunger, and then started thinking that it would be the one way to kill myself that would be undetected by others, not likely to have the drawbacks of other methods, and successful, even if slow. I could go about my life seemingly normally to others and be silently suiciding beneath their noses, and doctors wouldn't be able to pick up on it and stop me. I live on my own now, so I'm not exactly under close observation, and it's doable. I haven't actually started yet, but my eating patterns have been disturbed anyway since Mum died. I'm only eating about one light meal a day, and the occasional junk food type snack, and sometimes I don't even feel any sort of hunger until about 2am, so in a sense my appetite has shrunk anyhow, so the next step isn't that huge. I'm debating it, in other words. I'll get past that, and then there will be some other thing going pear-shaped that will get me back into that frame again.

    And I know I all the responses about seeking help, counselling, etc, for dealing with the narcissist and the weight of the other stuff, but I just have to ask is it all worth it, and to be honest, I'm just not sure that it is. I second guess everything I do, say and write now, and I even look at just what I've written in this post, and think of all the ridicule I'd be receiving from other members of that high IQ society if they read it. They did, after all, do it publically on an email list that not only goes nationally but which is archived for all future members of that society to see. For all I know, people could be sitting there reading and thinking the same thing. I have no means to defend myself in any case, and while I'm pretty gutsy in a lot of ways, I'm just not sure that it's worth it anymore. If I admit that anything is upsetting me, then I'm the one who's going to get tagged a psycho, or mental case, or not in their league, couldn't handle it, etc, etc. And they would have all the resources at their disposal to discredit me anyway, while I have no means at all.

    It's just too much. I never had a really viable suicide method before that I really thought that I could go through with, but know that I really can do this one successfully.

    Family and friends know that what's happening with the neighbours and with the narcissist in the high IQ society. But I can't see what they could do about it, either. And I'm keeping up enough appearance of normality despite the bereavement, the snubs, and the other problems for people not to make the connection between my actions and my deepest feelings.

    I'm in the intellectually gifted range, and have a lot going for me, both on that point and as a person - so it's not as if I don't have some personal knowledge of that even when I'm being made to question whether I'm even worthwhile having around, but even that doesn't help with the weight of all this other stuff going on either, and a lot of the time I just wish I didn't exist in the first place. So there's kind of both things there - the urge to fight on and to deal with all of these things, and at the same time the thought that I could just end it, because there are just so many things and there has to be a limit somewhere to what I can deal with or go through.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you make an appointment with your doctor tell whats happening. Get some professional help to just help you cope with everything. The person that is harassing you can you not bring harassment charges against him get the union to do something about it. I know everything is overwhelming but you can only conquer one thing at a time. The noisy neighbors call cops on them for playing music too loud being a nuisance. Take one thing at a time and try to deal with it okay. You need to get some help in dealing with all this You may need to add on something to your meds your on. Call GP make an appt and see what happens get an appt with psychologist as well to help you deal with living for now. take care
  3. gophergirl

    gophergirl New Member

    The cops do come and make them stop, but the neighbours will start another day. If it's during day hours, the local health inspector comes and just asks them to please consider their neighbours. But it's the old on off trick. Music goes up, music goes down, music goes up, it's a matter of catching them half the time. Sometimes I'm lucky and they get caught out. But last time a health inpsector came out, he told me to forget about them and just get on with my life instead of staying at home - to go out and get training and a job. So basically, stop being a neurotic whinger and do something with your own life instead of worrying about them. I am technically still on the carer pension until April 1st to give me time to get things in order and re-enter the workforce, and I have a lot of things to clean, sort and fix here as well. So that was below the belt - and I think also a pretty good indication of how I'm viewed.

    You don't have a union in a social group, only in a workplace. I've given back as good as I've got, except using a few home truths enraging him more, but the narcissist has finally worked out that I'm not going to lay down and take it and has left me alone. But not before turning others against me. Narcissists are good at making themselves pillars of the community, and this one has high IQ credentials and membership in several organisations. And I am not subtle. If someone puts garbage in front of me, I am likely to say that it's garbage and then outline in exactly what way it is garbage, in no uncertain terms. That's what I've in fact done with the guy, which can now be turned against me and manipulated into looking like I'm the aggressor. I have no comeback. I can take legal steps (my lawyer wants to see the emails). But if I do that, the fees will likely eat up my mother's entire estate left to me, and I will be left with nothing, fighting against someone who is rich, manipulative, well-connected, and also supported by other members. I can see the writing on the wall. I'm not well-connected in this group - I'm new, with no connections. Presumably what made me perfect for derision in the first place.

    And psychologists? Been there, done that, and have little respect for - or confidence in - the profession as a whole. I've seen some do more harm than good. And one of the people watching while the sneering was going on is a psychologist himself. His response to the snickering about my 'diatribes'? It was this:

    'diatribe? you mean as in The Biggest Loser? Oh, no, that's diet tribe!'

    Thus, leaving it up in the air as to whether he was merely making a play on words or having a go at me by calling me a loser.

    The only being able to deal with one thing at a time is partly the problem. They keep coming hard and fast, more and more at a time, and bigger each time, and there is no sign of this easing. I really am powerless this time.

    I have been intending to go and see my doctor, anyway, about the sleeping and eating prior to the high IQ ridicule. But I really don't think there is anything anyone can do. And apart from my nearer family, think that people must be better off without me anyway, if they are taking the time out to publicly tell me so. Others began joining in with the narcissist, and were having a good time humiliating me as muc as they can. What started out as an individual having a go at me, became a group thing. So regardless of whatever else any professional can do, that little one keeps popping up as well - even though they haven't been doing that for the last 2 days or so, and the humiliation may be finished. It doesn't feel finished for me, and I do feel traumatised by it.

    If I mention to anyone that I feel so traumatised by it, the fact that it only happened over a one week period will have people saying that I must be really weak if affected so much by something in such a small space of time, and must be 'over-sensitive', etc.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2010
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