Getting toward the bottom

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by closertolove, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    I haven't wanted to die in a long time, and I'm pretty sure this isn't what this is, but I'm trying to find a release for all of this pain and hurt I feel. I'm trying all that I can to not turn back to cutting, and so far it's worked, but I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

    All I want is to go back to when this all was unreal and hadn't happened. I want to go back to when I was naive and didn't know better and loved it. I just want to get back to where I've been

    I miss being alive. I miss JKH. I miss being with J and feeling that happy. I miss being able to trust someone without having them break me down to do so. I miss my life, how do I get back to it?
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    im not really sure of the answer as im feeling the same way, but by you acknowleding that you want to be happy, and you want your life back to how it used to be seems like a really big step to me, if you did not want it then you wouldnt want to get better, but as you do want it, then i have hope for you that with a little help that you will be able to get back to how u want to be!! :hug: maybe talkign to a counsellor or psyc about how you are feeling will help you work it out ??
  3. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    i don't trust counsellors enough to tell them everything, they judge too much
  4. depressedfortoolong

    depressedfortoolong New Member

    hi. i don't know your situation, but given my own, i know that there really isn't anything someone can say to make things better, because what we really want is for our lives to be different, and no one can say anything to make that happen. or at least that's how i feel. but i do agree with the poster above. the fact that you're not at the point where you want to die (no matter how close you feel like you're getting to that point), and the fact that you haven't made yourself cut in a long long time, well that's something. whenever you feel like you want to cut, remind yourself- envision yourself falling into that downward spiral. see your tears and your hatred of life, because once your in that pit, it's so much harder to get out- not saying that you can't get out. but perhaps as you read this- i don't know where you are or what you're doing, maybe try to get up and go out somewhere. to a movie. or for a walk.
    oh my god. i probably sound like such an idiot. i'm so sorry, i wish i had the perfect thing to say. but whenever there's a desire to live, there's hope. and with that hope, you can eventually live the life you want. one where you're as happy as a person can be, with bumps along the way. and when you reach that point of happiness and that period of life, i really do think that you will be grateful for all your experiences and that you don't live in a naive state of mind. because then you'll be a person that gets things, that understands. and well, at least for me, i think that is one of the best qualities a person can have. those people who just don't get it, i'd never want to be one of those. and as i say that, i realize, that i probably am! haha
    i sound like a lunatic. so sorry.
  5. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    If I didn't see how much pain death could cause, I feel like I'd be seriously contemplating suicide again

    But since I'm in so much pain partially as a result of a death, I can't follow through knowing I'm causing more pain like this

    It's just a never ending cycle in which I can never win
  6. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Getting toward the bottom is an uncomfortable place to be. I keep a safety net and I alert my net when I get at this point. I have 4 people who's job it is to check on me each day and call mental health when they think I need professional help. Much of the time, I don't need to go in because the pro's have my helper hand me the phone and they can help me enough to get me past the crisis moment.

    My helpers may need to call a professionals again in the same day, but that is okay. This is a plan of safety put into motion.

    I said a prayer for you. :hug:
  7. closertolove

    closertolove Well-Known Member

    thanks for the prayer <3

    i just wish this would pass, and it's worrying me that it isn't. i want to return to real life, not living day to day distraction to distraction, i just don't know how