Getting worse (triggering?)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by wdicwg, Sep 6, 2012.

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  1. wdicwg

    wdicwg Member

    I have struggled with self harm for a long time, so long I don't even know how long it has been. I do know that 2-1/2 years ago I quit, though it didn't last and this Feb. I couldn't take it anymore. Before it ranged from scratching just enough to bleed to shallow cuts and was confined completely to my thighs. It stayed that way for years, and I was lucky to escape with only a few scars. This time it is different. I have to do more. I have to cut more. I feel like a caged animal if I don't. I thought if I could do it just long enough for something to give, just long enough for some stress to go away that I would be ok. It would be ok. I was wrong. In six months I have gone from a few cuts here and there, to lots and lots a day, worse than ever before. A few days ago I ran out of space on my thighs, and it felt like the worst day of my life. I am mad at myself that I let it get this far, mad that I still hurt inside. I worthless and disgusting, how could anyone that wasn't do this to themselves. I still want to feel the blood running down, to see it and feel better for a little while. But I know if I do in an hour I'll hate myself and in two it will hurt so bad that I want to do it again. I don't know what else to do, how else to give myself even a moments relief, but I don't want to cut somewhere else that people will see. Though me seeing them makes me feel worse. I am stuck and alone.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you talk to your doctor hun get some help to stop this before you do some permanent damage. You need to treat your inner self hun get therapy to heal ok get other coping methods more positive ones hun YOU hun deserve kindness compassion not more pain hugs
  3. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    Wdi -

    I know how you feel, I am right behind you (though I have some large thighs from riding a bike for years).

    If you "Feel like a caged animal", let yourself out. I guarantee that a few 400 meter sprints will hurt, but in a better way than cutting. I used to be able to work out or run to take out my negative feelings, and it helped a lot. The endorphin rush seemed to wash away my self-hate and loathing, at least for a time.

    Unfortunately, I was diagnosed with a chronic immune system disorder and can't do that anymore, so I'm back to cutting.

    I just hope that what I have found can help. Stay string, and seek help if you need it. Despite social stigmas from the past, there is no shame in seeking help.
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