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getting worse

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by forever_scarred, Jan 19, 2014.

  1. forever_scarred

    forever_scarred Well-Known Member

    I’m not sure how to begin this... I guess I should start with the beginning...

    Almost 2 weeks ago I had a spill from cash (horse); I wasn’t even really on him yet... I had one leg in the stirrup and the other about to be... but instead of landing quietly in the saddle I flew over him... over his shoulder. I had absolutely nothing to grab onto, just air. I don’t remember everything just bits and pieces, I knew I was going to go over, I knew my foot was caught in the left stirrup... for a second i was scared that I was going to be dragged. The next thing I remember was landing with a thud on the ground but I didn’t see anything... just blackness. I remember feeling my head bouncing off the frozen ground but not feeling anything else. I don’t remember if I hit my right side first or did I actually land on my back as I believed. I opened my eyes to see cash above me... maybe 2 or 3 feet from my own feet. I finally realized how tall he was... 5' 5” at the shoulder. He stared at me for a minute like 'what are you doing down there?' then began to move off. I could see my left stirrup flipped up over the seat of my saddle and the reins low on his neck. I knew my head hurt but my first thought was cash I had to grab him before he stepped on or in the reins and get hurt. So without thinking I picked myself up walked over, grabbed him... checked his body to make sure he hadnt gotten hurt. Took him out of the ring just long enough to change my boots (thinking I had slipped when mounting since I was not wearing riding boots... I would later figure out that was not the case). Tried mounting again, everything happened as it should have and I began working him. At this point my head was throbbing in the back and felt pressure there but again I ignored it I had work to do. Everything went fine after that. The rest of the day seemed fine except for the feeling of pressure in my head. I didn’t think anything more about it until the next morning when I couldn’t move. My entire body screamed when I moved, the whole right side of my body. I hadn’t told anyone yet so I needed to fake it and act like I was just sore from riding and not screwed up from the fall. For the next several days I kept my screams to myself, kept popping the Advil and didn’t utter a word of the fall to anyone... some of the soreness went away but some did not. As the days went on certain joints, certain places on my body began to hurt more. I was dizzy a lot when standing up or walking. The world would spin and my vision would go in and out. Still I did not tell anyone and I did not go to the doctors. I went to work keeping my problems to myself and hoping it would all go away. There were a few times when I thought I would not be able to fight the feeling of passing out any longer but somehow I knew I had to keep going and did. I rode again on the weekend... it was awful, my body screamed for me to stop. I couldn’t lift my right leg, my shoulder and ribs felt like knives were being pushed in and my neck crunched when I moved it. I didn’t admit to being in pain but I was. My ride on Cash was awful I couldn’t control him; I was shaking inside from head to toe not from fear but from whatever was going on inside of me. I finally gave up and got off, nothing more to do. The following Tuesday I again tried to ride, my body still hurt. My attitude was bad, for once in my riding life I didn’t want to be there. Mounting was fine, but as soon as I started moving an intense pain began starting from my left hip and stretching up into my side and back. I wanted to scream so badly, the pain also went down my leg. Everything and everyone frustrated me... when my instructor told me to make cash behave i turned to her and said 'you wanna steer him?' ... she said 'oh i have'. She thought it was a joke but it was far from it. The rest of the ride was pretty bad. My instructor just didn’t understand... she said to me ' you act like you are in pain today' and i told her i was. Her response to that was 'go get a massage'. This angered me because she did know I had fallen and didn’t understand that 280lbs flying through the air and falling 5 1/2 feet is kind of a big deal when u land on your back and you don’t remember a lot of it. I did go to Urgent care and was told I had had a concussion and a lot of bruises earlier in the week but somehow that didn’t help me much. I still was having vision problems, still had pain in my back and shoulder and still had a crunching neck. Now 2 weeks later this issue still exists... I am worried that riding tomorrow will result with the same pain. If I was able to go back to urgent care or the hospital I would... but that is no longer an option since my health insurance has been cancelled until next month.

    My mood was not great before the fall but since it was been a lot worse. I am not handling situations well; my stress and pain levels are above the normal limit i could usually stand. I make comments I normally wouldn’t. I see it in myself even when no one else does. My suicidal thoughts once were controlled most of the time now are almost 24 hrs. I sleep and dream that I have died; I want to end my life more since the fall than before. I do not believe it is the pain that was caused that makes me feel this was but the incident itself. Not the shame or the embarrassment but whatever happened on the moment of impact. Something changed; I don’t know what it was. Whether it was the thought that I never would go sailing like that (I've had falls before but not ones where I black out during) or the thought that perhaps I had an attack while mounting.... and if it happened again....what would i do... would i still be able to ride... what if i had been dragged... all these thoughts go through my mind. The shaking inside is still constant and I know that is affecting cash... he doesnt understand what I want. It is confusing to him and irritating to me because I have no way to stop it.

    So as it stands now I have no insurance which means no doctors, urgent care, or meds for the pain I am still in. No going to doc for depression meds or refills for my anxiety meds. those I can leave without but the snapping in my neck is scaring me because if something happened... I would take my life before I lived like that. My family still does not know.. they would kill me if they found out. A few people at the barn know but they have brushed it off and basically told me im whining, everyone falls its a part of riding. The barn owners do not know... she also would kill me if she knew what happened (that is a post for another day). My co-workers know because of how i was acting at work, not being able to function as normal. But as for me... i have lost a lil of the drive (if u want to call it that) that i always used to have to go to the barn, no matter what the weather or how i was feeling i always went and felt better… now i don’t want to go at all. I dont know what is happening to me but I dont like it... and yet when I stop and think about it and feel nothing. I just sit and stare... ever since the fall I just sit and kind of blank out like nothing matters anymore... I don’t know maybe it doesn’t...
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You fell and got a concussion. Falls hurt. Concussions not only hurt , they make you feel like crap in many ways. To be honest I am unsure why it is all a big secret- you do not really explain and without some type of explanation I do not understand. People fall whether it is on a horse, tripping on stairs, or a untied shoe or whatever. Being upset with people for not understanding how you feel when you choose not to tell them you are hurt is hard to understand. If they do not know you are hurt or had/have a concussion then they cannot be expected to treat you like you are. if you have a concussion and are not recovered from it you should be resting anyway and typically with a concussion it is not a "wait 3 days and all is fine" they do test and you are on light duty until it gets better which is based on tests , not a time limit. I would strongly suggest you tell people you fell and were diagnosed with a concussion and have been trying to suck it up and it is not helping so will be taking it easy for a few more days.....