getting worse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DrkZ90, Jun 10, 2011.

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  1. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    I can't stand it any more... things have been getting worse and worse... more lonely than ever, I just can't stand it...

    The only reason I'm alive is because I don't have a sure-fire way to end it...

    every day it hurts even more and it just keeps getting worse... I can barely go through the day... I don't know what to do...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have found that when I feel as you do, I talk...I find ppl to share with and express what is going on...that counterbalances the isolation and worthlessness...please PM if I can be there for you...J
     
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Depression makes you feel this way - but are you getting any help or are you just riding out the storm on your own?

    I hate to see someone feel this way - I've felt it myself so can empathise with what you are going through.

    As for what to do - I'd say getting help is the first thing you ought to do IF you are feeling so bad that you are feeling suicidal. I've read some of your other posts but cannot recall what was troubling you. Forgive me for that - but you know how it is and people come on here all the time and sometimes we forget the crux of the matter.

    I do recall you were struggling with friendship, but in the main it seems depression is the thing that stops you being a friend. After all if we think nothing of ourselves - whilst hiding what we feel inside - those who might be inclined to reach out might assume your OK and have other social interests and so on. Sometimes you may seem offhand to people, even women - your reluctance to socialise seen as a kind of judgement on the social circles wherever you are.

    I'm not sure if you were studying - but that would be something. We make friend when we do something or that's how I always made friends, - way before the internet and so on. You generally go somewhere, on a regular basis and get to know the faces and maybe have time to talk to people. Pubs, Churches, clubs and associations of all kinds. Work is a good one (if you can get work) and places of education AFTER school are generally places which offer a kind of even ground.

    Anything were everyone is a stranger is a good place to meet new friends.

    Accepting invitations for drinks is how UK students generally make friends when they leave home and live away from the parents for the first time.

    But before you make friends, you need to get a bit better and I'm not sure how many meds you have tired. They can help - but you really have to see your doc first and ask for the help. A lot of people keep depression to themselves - they hide it and grow more isolated and feel more lonely because depression causes a vicious cycle in which we both crave companionship yet we drive it away due to the illness.

    For years I had no meds but dealt with depression by keeping busy. A bicycle might help - because if you have depression in which you stay in a lot - your physical health will be making the mental health suffer. Anyone with depression will always feel better if they walk a few of bicycle for maybe ten miles. Sitting in - maudlin over the past - seeing the future as one in which the only date we get is the one in those peculiar little rounded oblong box - with dates inside.

    Whatever else you do - if you can make use of the time you have then it helps.

    Good luck and hope you can get some help.

    Regards.
     
  4. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi DrkZ90...

    How is your sleep now? I’ve just read some of your other posts. You mentioned that you don’t sleep much which causes your tiredness during the day. Can you choose to sleep more? As you know, we usually tend to be grumpy (thinking negative) when we are tired…

    You mentioned “I still can't bring myself to do the stuff I know I love doing…” May I ask what is the stuff you really love doing?

    You mentioned painful memories about the past. My painful memories about the past used to dominate my adult life (I wanted to kill myself when I was a teenager). Now I realize that the past is gone. All I have is now. I do not have to live now with painful memories about the past. I cannot change the past. What I can do now is to make choices that bring me peace. No, it has not been easy, but it’s not impossible…

    I appreciate that you do not want pity. Have you ever thought that it may not be very easy to be your real friends? Did you reject those who showed their care about you as you thought they were just having pity on you? How should your friend be with you then?

    I feel that you may like to help others but not comfortable about receiving help or care from others. This kind of thinking pattern would only attract the kind of people who would use you instead of being your real friends...

    You mentioned that you would cause physical pain that “takes away and shakes away the pain inside”. Is it better than taking meds? I suggest that you do not hurt yourself in any way as that would make your feeling go around bad circles…but consider meds as an alternative…

    I notice that you have some negative thoughts about the way you are (such as being gay and your looks). Can you see that the mind is working against you? You know you have the power to choose not to listen to the mind when it does not work for you (not making you feel good). Judgement against being gay is out of ignorance. Our appearances are just appearances…

    My friend Nick who is gay and made a video below which you may find helpful in a way:

    http://vimeo.com/21947550

    We cannot change the way we are, nor do we need to. What we can do is to go beyond the mind - the thoughts (including our own thoughts/opinions/judgements, and others’ as well) and not let them put us down. Yes, this is what we CAN do!

    Eckhart Tolle used to think like you (such as low self-esteem and when things get a bit better, he would expect that something would go wrong again) but the Real Truth has set him free now. His book “The Power of Now” has helped transform many people’s lives.

    Here is a quote from the book from the part about his own life story:

    "I cannot live with myself any longer." This was the thought that kept repeating itself in my mind. Then suddenly I became aware of what a peculiar thought it was. `Am I one or two? If I cannot live with myself, there must be two of me: the `I' and the `self' that `I' cannot live with." "Maybe," I thought, "only one of them is real."

    Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF (see page 8 for the above-mentioned story):

    http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf

    Also, here is a video clip:

    Your Thoughts Make You Suffer ~ Eckhart Tolle
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_eASmGTd00

    Wish you well!
     
  5. DrkZ90

    DrkZ90 Well-Known Member

    yeah it is THAT bad, but still I can't bring myself to look for "professional" help because of the simple fact that whatever therapist I can find in this city might know my dad somehow, he being a medic himself... and I know for a fact the whole "privacy" thing usually doesn't include fellow doctors, they do talk about their patients with each other...

    That situation has actually made me feel worse, it makes me feel trapped... I don't want my parents or anyone from my family knowing I feel this bad... I know for a fact most will make fun of me because of that, and my parents can't keep their traps shut so the people they talk with will end up knowing too... it fucking scares me...

    I do think it is the main reason behind these feelings, because the first time I recall feeling like this was that day 6 or 7 years ago when I had to face the fact I was alone, that one of my so-called friends back stabbed me and my other so-called friends weren't there for me when I truly needed them, the only day I had ever actually needed them, and all out of fear and because they didn't really trust me, because they only cared about themselves...

    I have tried to actually reach out, and seeing how little they care after that hurts a lot... it's been getting harder to keep up the fake smile everyday and it has started to show, not like anyone cared or noticed anyway...

    I'm not reluctant to socialize, probably the opposite is true, maybe I try too hard, too much... I always try to make friends, to talk to people... I don't want anyone feeling the way I do...

    I do... actually starting at a new, far away college in the fall... which is actually making me feel very anxious, can't shake the feeling that history will simply repeat itself a third time, and everyone will end up treating me the same way, again...

    Haven't been able to work mostly because of a prohibitive, weird schedule... and I'm not much of a pubs / clubs person... even though I can stand alcohol really well, it reminds me of my so-called best friends from high school, the times they tried to get me drunk so I would make a fool of myself (hence why I know I can stand a lot of alcohol before starting to feel the slightest bit dizzy)... so that kind of stuff just triggers a lot of bad memories and feelings, I avoid that...

    I have been trying to make friends as hard as I can, wherever I am... but it's been pretty much the same thing over and over again... the fact is nobody really wants me in their life, they already have people they care about, no space there for me... everyone already has a "best friend", no place in their hearts for me...

    Haven't tried any meds yet... mainly because I don't think changing how you think and feel about something solves anything... tricking your brain into feeling happy isn't real happiness, I don't want to numb myself like that... to distort my perception of reality just to make it more bearable... besides what if it doesn't work?

    That's something I haven't really been able to do anymore... it worked before, when it just started... I usually feel way too bad to do anything I like at all, the desire to be dead is way too strong now...
     
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