Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Feb 11, 2009.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    A prayer for today:

    Brown is my shepherd, I shall not work.
    He leadeth me beside still factories.
    He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party.
    He guideth me to the path of unemployment.
    Yea, though I wait for my dole.

    I own the bank that refuses me.
    Brown has anointed my income with taxes.

    My expenses runneth over my income,
    Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of his term.
    From henceforth we will live all the days of our lives in a rented home with an overseas landlord.

    I am glad I am British
    I am glad that I am free
    But I wish I was a dog
    And Brown was a tree

    Politics is so refreshing


    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

    She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

    To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'


    In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

    Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

    Then God made the world.

    He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

    Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

    Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

    Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

    One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

    After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

    Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

    God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

    One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

    After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

    After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

    There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

    After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

    During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

    Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

    Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

    But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

    Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.


    How Adam Got Eve

    How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless

    Adam was hanging around the garde n of Eden feeling very lonely.


    So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

    Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

    God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

    and that it would be a woman.


    He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,


    and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.


    She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

    and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

    She will praise you!


    She will bear your children.


    and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.


    'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

    passion whenever you need it.'

    Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

    God replied,'An arm and a leg.'


    Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

    Of course the rest is history............!!!!




    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    'You better pray that it will come off the carpet.'

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    ' Because I said so, that's why.'

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
    'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, don't come crying to me!

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

    7. My mother taught me IRONY
    'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner.'

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    'You'll sit there until all that dinner is gone.'

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
    'Stop acting like your father!'

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    'Just wait until we get home.'

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    'You are going to get it when you get home!'

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    'If you don't stop picking your nose, your finger will get stuck!

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

    20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    'You're just like your father.'

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

    25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
    'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.’


    Making a baby. This is hilarious!
    There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

    'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

    'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

    'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
    After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

    'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

    'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

    'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

    'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

    'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

    'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

    'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

    'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

    'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

    'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

    'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

    'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in..'

    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,'

    'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


    'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

    Mrs. Smith fainted

  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Beware of Identity Theft !!








  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Company letter

    Dear Employee:

    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

    Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

    This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

    Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

    SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

    All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

    This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

    Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

    If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

    As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

    Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

    We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

    And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

    The Management
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    The Why's of Men

    (because they are plugged into a genius)


    (they don't have enough time)


    (they don't stop to ask directions)


    (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

    (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


    (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


    (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


    (don't never happened)

    ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

    And the personal favorite:


    (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

    Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart ...Then you are just an old sour fart!

    One for the ladies

    One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
    'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
    He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'

    And they say blondes are dumb...

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
    'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
    The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


    'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
    'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


    Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
    A: A rumor


    Dear Lord,
    I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

    Q: Why do little boys whine?
    A: They are practicing to be men.

    Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

  5. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

  6. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

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