girl in crisis but nobody to hear

[lost_child]

how do you deal with the times when you have so many words in your mind, you have so many conversations taking place but only you can hear them, believing you can hear something, but nobody else can....feeling your going insane, maybe you are insane. is my life over, have i given up the fight....the thoughts of suicide are just as distressing as the first time, the last time, the times I have acted, the times I haven't acted...People can believe that if you live with the thoughts it gets easier, it doesn't..it never lessens the grip it has over your whole life....and I do believe that it will be through my own hands that my life ends and that disturbs me too cause I can't or don't know how to control the thoughts, or stop me from ending this life.

Darkness falls
the devil calls
shadows gone
time to begone

The light has vanished
the girls been punished.
she tried to reach out
already layin in the blackout

the tunnel had no light
the girl lost her fight
tried to say that she was dying
everyone said she was lying

Silence surrounded her
as the day got darker
noone able to reach her
the girl felt no safer

the girl just couldn't take anymore,
no more violent blows
holding secrets nobody knows
so alone, so low.

along came the words she longed to hear
the voice so loud and so clear
I can make it all disappear,
for me you need not fear

"promise me your soul
this you can control"
"promise me your commitment"
echoed the words of satan

pulled further into dispair
he was right the girl can't repair
the strength from the demons
the pain just never lessens

she called, she tried
the girl had already died
alone she sat in the darkness
her mind, body lifeless.

left in the darkness
was the girl in crisis.

 

[plates]

do you have a therapist lost child? you've been here before, but like you say, that doesn't lessen the intensity of what you're going through right now. although it seems inevitable that you will die, once the panic, dies down and the darkness isn't so suffocating and all you can see, once you have someone who you trust and who can hold you in whatever way whether it be a therapist/nurse, and when that silence is broken and you can talk about what's going on inside of your head and bring it out to someone out there- things can get easier.


as to your question- i write scream let it all flow through me . i can go days just writing it all down everything in my head it lessens the pressure. when i feel like i'm going to jump off a bridge or OD i trek to the the A+E and get contact with my crisis team who know i'm going through a difficult time.

 

[lost_child]

I have been sein a therapist for 12 sessions now but its not changing anything, its not getting any easier. I have been here before and I'm tired of the same thoughts, the feelings, the same intensity crushing me. I'm tired of life. I do have a crisis team, and a CPN but I don't contact them, as I don't need someone to tell me "it will pass"....until next time, what if it doesn't pass, what if this time i do succed, I plan on ending 2nite esp now the houseshare left tonight for possibly a few weeks..no1 will know until then

 

[Kaos General]

hey hun sorry to hear you in so much pain, whats made you feel like this???
we're here for you ok :biggrin:

 

[lost_child]

Just a build of everytihng, of not sleeping, of intense feelings I can't deal with always being present. the vioces and shouting that I hear I know its in my head but it doesn't stop.arguements with people, pushing those friends who were close to me away. feeling alone, living in a place where I don't know anybody, debts which I can#t pay back. everything. sorry

 

[Kaos General]

ok first of all no need to say sorry to me, ever. i know how your feeling though. ive just moved into a new area of london and i dont know anyone and i dont make friends easily due to the fact that i dont trust people that easily.. But my advice is the best place to make friends is at your college, there must be some people there you get on with. have you tried getting new medication??? or speak to your CPN and tell her/him straight away ive had these feelings for a while, they havent gone away and things are getting worse for me

 

[lost_child]

I moved from London to Kent...but my family moved out of London before that and went up north. Its lonely whn u move to a new place. I;m not at college i do work, but the work I do means i work alone. I was on anti-depressants for 3 years and they didn't help, and other ones i was allergic to so the doctor kept changin them in teh end i took myself off them. I am seeing my CPN tomorow if i make it i cancelled last time cause i took too many tab;ets and was very ill and then after her I am seeing a psycholohgist for a further assessment to see what treatment can help cause i should be in a unit for personaolity disorders but they said I need to remain in work at the moment cause they think its the only thing keeping me alive..so for now they want one on one treatment..

I do try and tell them, but I end up sayin its all fine, yet they know that I have been in hospital a few times in the last month cause of another failed attempt. I need to get this right, I'm doing somthing wrong i know i am. I dont want to involved someone else my jumping in front of a train which will kill me, or jumping of the local bridge which i might not die from anyway. I can't get a gun I've tried, i even tried looking for places that are not in the middle of anyway to hang myself. my whole life is surrounded by looking at ways to end it,and its making me feel worse that i na't do this right either.

 

[Kaos General]

ok listen, at the end of the day im sure your family will miss you if you go through with it. Getting sectioned might turn out to be the bet thing thats happened to you. why not try a voluntary admision to get your head sorted out. The last time i got sectioned wasnt voluntary and i was there for 13 months but it was the best thing that happened to me. its not all doom and gloom in there like people like to make out. Some of the staff really do care and want to helpn you. Alternitively ask your CPN about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) its not for everyone but give it a try it might work for you

 

[lost_child]

This is no good. I've had no sleep in 24 hours, before then I only got 2 hours, the previous 2 nights 3,and then no sleep again on Thursday. This is getting too much. I have taken tablets and now I feel sick, dizzy, and sleepy but still i can't sleep. my eyes are to heavy, I need to slepp. i will pass out soon i can feel my head about to drop.

I've been trying to find someone to talk with, and there really is nobody. I am very alone in this very dark place and I don't like it. I need someone to hold me, to be with me, to talk with me...I don't feel so good. sorry

 

[lost_child]

Is there anyone around that I can speak to on here? I understand if not.

 

[shades]

I should be her on sf for awhile, won't know the time (in relation to your last post) until I see it. Beautiful (but sad) poem. Please stay with us. **editing to let you know it's only been about 7 minutes since your last post.

 

[lost_child]

can u talk to me, I don't feel very well. I've taken more tablets then i should and now I feel ill. I don't want to sleep but i cant anyway.

 

[shades]

I'll talk as long as possible, which should be for a good while. Do you want to talk here, or by private message? I don't have any IM system yet..so let me know. BTW what did you take?

 

[lost_child]

now i'm listening to wind beneath my wings, this is the song i want played at my funeral and always have since I watched beaches. Now I cryun

 

[lost_child]

I dont mind wheer we talk. i taken paracetamol and tramadole.

 

[shades]

Tramodol=painkiller? Heard of paracetomol, but don't know what it is, anti-depressant?

 

[lost_child]

Paracetamol is over the counter painkiller, tramadol is a prescribed painkiller (but it wasn't prescribed to me)

 

[lost_child]

now i'm listening to let it be, bad bad song. this song cameout for those that died on szebrugger, the funeral of 3 of mum's friends, the day jim started to abuse me. i might have to go in a minute as i'm seeing dounble and keep being sick.

 

[shades]

Just so you know, I've been on pain meds for about 10 years and sometimes I take alot more than what is prescribed. It usually keeps me awake, so I hope you're not taking these to try and sleep.

I see you've been at SF for a couple of years and I guess on and off from what you're said in this thread. Regardin therapy...it took me almost 20 years to find a therapist that was right for me (as far as I'm concerned)...I don't know...it was probably me.

Also, they tried a combination of several kinds of meds. before I started to feel decent at all. I have been diagnosed with chronic (or clinical) depression and mild bi-polar condition (mood swings). The last several months have been pretty good, but I'm still at SF.

So, what's going on with you right now? Is it anything in particular...aside from depression I mean? Are you also in chronic pain? Have you been diagnosed with any particular psychological issues? Just trying to get an idea of who you are and what you're dealing with.

 

[lost_child]

I'm not in chronic pain, I get the tablets from a friend cause she said they help. I'm taking the tablets to cause damage and die. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, DID, BPD, Bulimia and they doing more assessments cause of the personaility disorders i ahve.

i have been here a while now, and I keep ending back whre I am now. trying to ake my own life.

the first itme i tried i was 12, had it not been for my sister on the ground below I would have jumped from the building at school. I then attempted again when I was 15, and for 11 years I didn't attempt again, then at 26, I've tried god knows how many times, I've tried cutting, overdoses single and mized tables.

sorry. i'm just a freak. I shouldn't even be here. i shouldn't be here. sorry