i dont know if u have seen it, its a movie, that i just saw for the 45th time or so. principal characters are Angelina Jolie(liza) and Winona ryder(sussana). Winona ryder is a girl who does a suicide attempt and after that he goes to a phsychiatric hospital by her own will(kinda). Once she`s there, u as spectator think that she`s not that insane to be inthere, untill she actually starts recovering and u see how bad she was at the begining of the movie. I Feel completly related to Winona ryder`s character, there is a quote of that movie that always makes me cry " I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside." And to be honest, thats how i feel. I cant say is all the time, because i feel good many times a day, specially if im busy with something. But today its nightime already here and i see myself reflected in a movie. And i think, should i seek for help? or is this something i can deal with alone? How come that i cant be happy if im not sad? how come the more i want to die the better i feel? how come that all these questions dont push me to seek for help? i enjoy hurting myself, im afraid a doctor might take that away from me, but im also afraid of keep living my life withouth it. My suicide attempt was a failure, like many others of many other people, but i didnt feel any regret of doing it. I didnt have an epiphany or a new desire of being alive. why is that? and also i have the relationship problems with my boyfriend who i still live with. Im afraid to leave him because it might be all because of my self destructive behaviour. Im sure i want to make the decition when i feel better, when i get better, but i just cant look for help.