Girl of my dreams is getting married...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by youngandconfused, Oct 5, 2011.

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  1. youngandconfused

    youngandconfused New Member

    To start off, yes I'm a bad person for doing this. I see this now. For the rest, I will tell you a story in third person. (doing this makes it more objective)

    (please excuse my corny way of writing... it's the only way I know to write stories)

    There was once a boy. Let's call him José. Andy used to be a care free soul, without a worry in the world. All of that came crashing down one fateful day when his father, Pedro, was murdered. From then on, he couldn't trust any person with anything. Nobody could poke him in the side. He didn't understand sarcasm. Feelings were like algorithms. He was the most jumpy kid you had ever seen. Nobody could make quick movements around him. He would freak out "over nothing" and overreact. This went on for about 6 years until he started attending a vocational school. The school name isn't important. Anyway, he started at this school, nervous as ever. Nothing could have matched how nervous he was. His confidence was at an all time low, and he knew one or two people in his new class. The very first day, not everyone is there. About 10 minutes into class, a girl walks in. As his eyes caught hers, there was an instant connection. Later on, during class out in lab, he is sitting at his desk when all of a sudden this girl (we will call her Brittaney for now) tackles him from behind. He is freaking out while the girl is latched onto his back, and eventually realizes it is her and is instantly sated. They sit down, and talk for about an hour as lab went on. They made a strong bond that day. That one fateful day... it all began.

    The second day brought about class-wide discussions such as what all typical teenagers do. Love, money, and the who's who of the school. Eventually, the topic comes around about love. Everybody who is taking part in the discussion except for José had a significant other. Brittaney sees this and starts dropping hint bomb after hint bomb. She was all over José, like ugly on an ape. This continued for 4 months until something serious happened. Brittaney had just been in a verbal fight with her boyfriend (let's call him Big Ben for now) and had broken up with him. She did this on purpose, and José wanted to seize the opportunity (even though she lived over 60 miles away) so he made his move (although sloppily) and started on the topic of rebounding. She wasn't interested until about a week later and actually started talking about new relationships. She was talking about all of these guys (in true female fashion, to create intense jealousy and reel a man in) and José lost it. He told Brittaney that he wanted to come over some time. And meant it. She gets back with Big Ben the next day; José is crushed and forever alone, and she hasn't changed her attitude. This goes on for 2 more months until José finally gets his vehicle to take her home. Near the end of the school year, they finally make the trip to her house. What happened set a chain of events that would explode over the next school year. Big Ben and José finally met each other. It was instant friendship (they had so much in common yet they were so different, it was perfect for a friendship) and José grew more and more uncomfortable until finally Brittaney dropped the atom bomb of "why the HELL did you just say that?!?!?!?!!?!!?!???!!!?!?!?!?!?12@" and said "Yeah, babe... I almost replaced you with this guy right here!" without blinking once. He shrugs it off, because José obviously didn't pose a threat to his Alpha-ness. Things start to cool down between José and Brittaney until the next school year. They don't talk much over the summer, and José has his own little mini-love interests off to the side. His eyes are opened to the gold that is before them as the next school year starts, and he had been put in gear for some serious change. His first confidence boost started with getting second place in a state contest. With this new found confidence... the tale gets deeper.

    The new school year begins, everyone is on time, and before class starts, Brittaney tackles José and rains down upon him about how much she missed him and everyone. Class goes on as normal for 3 months into the year, until she gets pregnant. She is devastated, and heartbroken. José provides support and comfort for Brittaney, like a true friend. As the year closes, she has the baby and moves out and grows up. They lived in the same apartment they are in right now. Anyway, the story takes a dramatic turn. The very first day that she is alone with him in a room with nothing holding them back for expressing their true feelings for each other... she almost kisses him. Since he is now hooked on this girl, without a doubt, he travels the distance to see her every week. This goes on for a few weeks until one day when she was dropping subtle hints for him to kiss her. Eventually, the moments of laying together on the couch lead to a passionate (yet sloppy) kiss. She does the worst thing possible that a woman can do to a man: she laughed and asked him what just happened. [on a side note, this made José VERY uncomfortable] They laugh it off, and he goes home. A week passes and he is back in the apartment with her, alone (besides the baby) and they end up snuggling on the couch together. One thing led to another and love was sparked. He was head over heels for this girl. He would do ANYTHING for her. He comes back a few days later, and repeated this charade until she went a little further. (I'm sure we're all mature enough to know the gist of what happened, so I'm going to spare the detail.)

    She was the one. She was the goddess of his run down world. Her everything was his all. There was something here that you had to look twice at. It was beautiful. And then, that day where it all came crashing down. (excuse the language) Shit hit the fan. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened. Big Ben's mother had died. Brittaney never had a mother that loved her (long story short, her mother abused her and the whole reason that Brittaney got pregnant is because her mother went into psycho mode and took all of her pills away from her for a week.) so this little unfortunate incident only strengthened their relationship. Exactly the opposite of what he was trying to do. Brittaney called José over one day, and told him straight out that she had put everything on the line: her kid, her friends, her fiancé... and didn't want to do it any more. As the story ends, currently, she is trying to scrape him off of her shoe on something that nobody will see. This devastates him when he finds out that her intent is to cut their relationship deep so it won't manifest while Big Ben is alive. She constantly tried to get him to come stay at their apartment while Big Ben is there with her (needless to say, this is NOT going to happen while I'm there) and it all pans out normally. They don't do anything, and José runs with his tail between his legs. She tried this again. Didn't work. José said no to staying over and made it clear as to the reason. She puts the guilt trip on him and (this expression is over used) drops the mother of all mistakes right on his bare foot: she says she is getting married (he knew this, but it is different when you're young, blind, and "invincible") and he loses it.

    You're all pretty much caught up on what's happening... going to first person now.

    At the moment, I come to find that every day, I grow more and more intolerant of her. She played me good. Good and hard. I've hit a place I've never been to, save for once. Nothing will be the same. I hate her and love her at the same time. When I don't talk to her I grow intense hatred for her and her fiancé. INTENSE. I've contemplated many things... all of which were big mistakes waiting to happen. The last thing on my mind has finally surfaced: suicide. They are getting married at the end of this month. I have a month to find out what I want to do. I've tried venting to friends. It makes me feel better for about 10 or so minutes, but then I stop talking to them and I get to thinking alone a lot. This is bad for me at the moment. I've had some sick twisted thoughts in the last couple of days... for both Big Ben and myself. I want help, but I want control. I feel like if I lose control of this situation, the only way out is the cowards way. What can I do in order to get away from her, but still be her friend? I've done it before (except it was on a lesser scale, but that girl had some problems with untreated manic-depression) but I think I've gone beyond the point of no return with this, and I can either abandon it (don't want to do this. if I abandon something this big, I will start abandoning everything that I can't seem to finish) go with it (I think I would rather die) stop it (she would hate me) tell him about us (he would kill me, and would destroy the life of a beautiful young girl. I know what it's like to grow up with no father, not to mention what he would do to her if he couldn't forgive her. she's done it to him in the past, but not as far as I got with her.) or I could end it all. Those are my choices, and I'm sticking to it. The one thing I want most is to have her and hold her and tell her I love her every chance I get. I have nothing to live for. I have no job, no college yet, my money from victims of crime won't come for another 3 years (if I die, it would go straight to my mother) my friends are all probably bored of me because I'm hung up over some girl... and to boot, stuff is falling apart at home. the cats have fleas, I'm out of money (until I sell my car) and I can't get a job for a little while. There's nothing I enjoy in life because I threw it all out for her. I didn't do it on purpose, it just kind of happened. I'm going all ADD on this post now so if there are any questions or anyone wants more details... I will be glad to post them. Please don't judge me :(
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, youngandconfused! :welcome:

    1) R.I.P. your dad. I'm really sorry to hear about that. The same goes with what you mean by how you were a victim of something. My thoughts are with you.
    2) I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. I wish things had worked out with you and her.
    3) Your third-person style in this story was refreshing to read. I don't think I've read a third-person introduction on the forums here ever!! Great. =)
    4) Again, welcome to the forums. Your story.. I understood it. Kudos!!! I hope you find this forum helpful to you. Cheers....Alex

    P.S. I numbered my thoughts so that it didn't appear too jumbled and confusing.
  3. youngandconfused

    youngandconfused New Member

    Thanks a ton Mr. Alex!!! Just posting this made me feel better, not to mention that we are working something out. She is still getting married to him... but I saw the look in her eyes when she said it. There's no mistake that I made a long lasting impression on her. We got to talking and the only thing wrong with us is that I live so far away, so we don't get to talk except for text. You know how text talk goes. One person interprets something someone said differently, and crap can get ugly QUICK.

    Honestly, this forum is a life saver. In the time it would have taken me to write this, had I not, I probably would have gone and done something horrible. I will never forget this, and I shall offer my support to others as much as I can.

    Sadly, I can't change how I feel over night, but I can definitely change my actions and perception of this situation. I must never forget that it was I who chose this path, so I will follow it all the way to the end if I must.

    Really, thank you for all of the support. It changed me wholly.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry about your dad - you seem quite young and its hard when a man loses a dad - especially at times like this when maybe you'd ask advice.

    And its a great piece of writing - and although your at a real bad time you got some talent there and made a potentially tricky story become readable and its good you kind of held emotions back to express the emotions you felt.

    Love AND hate - lol - well, if a woman you love takes to some other man - you will feel that emotion - but acting on it would be unwise. The jails are full of men like that - and women also. I recall a case of a lovers tiff near me - girl picked up a steak knife - and unlucky not only broke a lot of hearts - she stabbed him in an unfortunate place to be stabbed and he died.

    I was young when I first got to grips with the 'green eyed demon' of jealousy. You can feel that over a lot of things in life - children jealous over one getting more perceived love or favour or sweets! Jealousy over possessions - its why people scratch cars! But love is the worse scenario - because once you are falling in love - its hard to put the brakes on.

    As I understand it the young lady was pregnant whilst at school - it happens for sure - and it takes a special kind of man to befriend a women with a child - although its fairly common to be honest. So if your pregnant or have kids and the fathers are no longer there - don't write off romance! I know many here have kids - and its difficult if your single for a myriad of reasons but hopefully a knight in white shining armour is waiting in a lay-by for you!

    Just a little joke.........

    I was watching Dexter - and there is an Asian cop on the show who is like THE office pervert! So the pervert cop gets in a life and sees a man and wife cop arguing. To back up the man - the pervert says ....

    "Hey - he is your knight in white shining armour - you be like polishing his lance!"


    Awkward moment - just a bit of fun - thought it was witty in a sick but acceptable manner!

    But back to this girl....

    You done the right thing - you can have woman as friends - more so when younger as you get older and many marry or have a man so - so the friendship becomes more about seeing people about socially.

    Well - things were going well and friendship grew into romance. If you could arrange for love to come that way its the best tactic. But - love is not something you can plan unless your into arranged marriages which - well - would you want your mum and aunts to pick a bride?

    I'd end up with a devout Catholic who offer conjugal rights only on certain Saints days - someone opposed to having a good time - anti drugs - smash my favourite bong. WTF?

    Well - if I chose the right women I'd have a consensus of opinion from family - but ultimately its wicked to force ANY women to marry a guy. Plus when it comes down to some young 16 yr old having to marry - lets be honest here - some dirty old man! - its so very wrong.

    But - back to this girl, you grew fonder of her - and thought she was the girl of your dreams when just being friends evolved into being more than friends. From that moment on - you either stay loyal to each other or the friendship is gone. Its hard to regain that friendship because - unless you have children and its forced upon you.

    Well - her dropping the wedding bomb on you - no way does ANY women just come up with an idea like that overnight! She must have been thinking about it for a while - and was Jose the father?

    Well - maybe you did get played - but bear in mind a pregnant women offered some sincere friendship might take it because support is good at a time like that. Emotionally - she was perhaps not as sure of things - a father not apparently there - plus the process of birth and so on - she may have had a genuine emotional attachment for you. But being a mum - she has got considerations - and if this Jose was the father - many women would kind of hold out a hope of getting married to the father. Maybe she had this all along - that would be playing you - but the best way to look at this would be to maybe try to see the good that was there for a while. It helped you I guess having her as a friend - and for sure you really thought she was the one. Maybe she is - but her mind is not in that place yet - so what you have to do is be VERY nice to her - wish her well and explain how relationships can leave people who love each other - at each others throats. But tell her she was special - her child also - you must have felt a little bond there almost being like a father in some ways.

    You WERE there when this other man was not.

    So send her a nice email wishing her well - be thankful you did enjoy that time which was enjoyable - the rest you have to let go and by leaving her with a nice email wishing her all the happiness in the world - but making sure you say that you wish it was you - if you do wish that - say it - its a compliment - but also more than a compliment - that's up to her - but try and settle the idea of her marrying in your mind.

    She did not seduce you on a night out - it happened after she knew you for a while so she found you attractive and more women will also. Sober women - which is real bonus for reasons I'll not elaborate! You shared something good and if you end it on a good note its always the best way.

    I think its sad when relationships end and people cannot be civil to each other.

    I see were your coming from - I've had the 'love hate' set up - its hard to get your head around it and hard to forget a women IF you got hate playing around in your head if not the heart. Its not just a depression thing either - its common - and some have a LOT of reasons to hate others for sure. Either way its destructive and can usually be sorted out IF your ex is capable of a bit of compassion - and you write a sweet enough email which may elect a nice response from her.

    That way she remembers you as a man who is not going to drag things out - trade insults and make a bad ending really bad!

    So - even if she did 'play' you - (I think she genuinely reached out to you) you got to understand that she was in a place no man will ever be - young - pregnant - the father - not hearing much about him caring that much to be honest.

    She never played you - you walked into it with open eyes - cannot help but do that with a big lump extruding from her midriff! Then the birth! Then the baby! You can understand her not getting intimate with a new man during pregnancy - and for a while afterwards - I'm sure any father here will tell you how long afterwards before you get the honours!

    But when she was recovered - finding an even keel - she would be emotionally up there! - You were close to her and its natural things happened really. Not sure how long this continued, your intimacy with her - but you got to give a bye just on the strength of her circumstances. You were lucky - but in love - its funny how something you'd once write poems about becomes - well, lol - madness at times!

    So - although its hard - you have to try and see the good that happened and leave her with a nice word even if she is not likely to send a nice one back.

    Its hard to say if she was manipulative - but maybe just a bit confused - and she needed a man and there are a lot of us about you know! Not being chosen - sure it hurts - but its nothing personal - and if your nice about it well - who knows - maybe she might run out of the church - jilt the bridesgroom!

    I've always wanted to see that happen. In a wedding in a church the priest or vicar will ask if anyone has anyone reason why the two should not wed. This is done as people would try to marry two people - or maybe another man pops up with some kind of reason. Well - it has happened - some women marrying someone - the guy walks into the church and sits quietly - who is he? - people may ask - and you'd have to dress good - and have a mate outside in the car - things might get ugly!!!

    So - not that I'm advising you - but maybe I'd do it IF my heart and head said "go!"

    So - you'd sit quietly and when the priest asks if anyone has any objections to the wedding - you could shout out "My name is [whatever] and I object!!!"

    The entire church would be like - 'aaahhhh' - looking around - so you stand up - at that point - and everyone looks and you have to stand firm in your resolve - at that point.

    What would you say? - if you were guy who turned up looking to stop another guy marrying some woman?

    Or go to the keyboard - turn it on and sing....

    "I don't think she should get married
    to this man at the alter
    you know his love is a deception
    its bound to falter

    I think you should leave right now
    I got a car waiting outside
    I got a bottle of whiskey
    and other various things inside

    and various things inside
    various things inside
    you know I have got
    like troubles on my mind

    but its going to be alright
    if you don't marry that creep by your side
    I promise you baby
    I won't commit suicide...."

    There could be a good song there.

    you got to consider that also - so what even if your women was sent from hell because even the Devil thought she was bad news! Even if she left you for an entire football team and got pregnant by all your mates (ex mates = maybe R.I.P. mates) even if she left you a broken man with all your dreams cross shredded and set on fire - and the ashes blown to the four corners of the world - you got to think about how good a gong that might be.

    Warning other men of the perils of evil hearted women.

    And vice versa of course - there are more evil men out there - but when it comes to affairs of the heart - hell hath no fury like a women scorned! Just don't be the one to scorn her!

    Random lyrics...

    "I tried every effort to be good to her
    I made every effort not to abuse her
    But I tried - baby I do try
    But I err, bay I do error
    In my bed she cast the blizzard out
    mock sun blazed across her head
    so completely filled with light she was
    her shadow fanged, and hairy and mad
    our love lines grew hopelessly tangled
    and the bells in the chapel went jingle jangle"

    (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - 'Do you Love me' from the album 'Let Love In'. A classic I'd say.

    We try but we we err - we do error.

    not er = err is a word - to make a mistake basically - or of your thoughts kind of lead you to wrong conclusions.

    I err all the time and sometimes say - er, which is different - slang or just a verbal communication - a verbal pause - like when we talk and - er - forget what we were thinking about.

    Hard to even think about the original context of this post - I do recall - the pregnant girl - Jose - father of the year - and supporting cast!

    But I don't mean to demean or ride in on your post - I enjoyed reading it and it made a refreshing kind of change - third person! - remember learning that in school - now I might be back in school - NO - not as the caretaker!!!!

    So - write a nice email to this girl - thank her - but don't go too overboard with the hearty salutations - yet - leave things open if ever there might be such a time - you never know - but in the meantime you got to see yourself as a free agent and if you leave her with a kind word - you done your duty as a man - because if we all done that - the world would be real nice place indeed.

    Regards and thanks for the great piece of writing and for being a gentleman to this young lady whether she knows it or not.

    But it takes two to tango - don't get bitter - accept that losing a love - sometimes you feel a hate in your heart that matches the intensity of the love you had. This is VERY dangerous if you do not know what it is and how to cope with it.

    Thing is to let love be the thing you remember. But its hard to do that sometimes - I mean - at least you knew this women - if you just met her on a one night stand - I'd not even say I loved a women just to keep things sweet. A lie is a lie - so at least you never fronted her with any lies - and if you do not leave her with any ill feeling all is well!

    You can look in the mirror - point the finger at your reflection and say "I done the right thing" - then slowly lower the pointing finger - go to turn away - then wink at yourself - then walk away!

    Makes you feel good.

    And - NEVER treat a women as a Goddess - if anything you may have erred there - I mean easy to see any guy falling for that mistake - done it myself also - and the media portrays the goddess notion which leaves some guys kind of seeing women as unapproachable just because they are pretty. It allows some women to 'play us' as we've already subscribed to the notion.

    I believe in equality but think its up to men to be the ones protecting a women. If we were on a sinking ship and lowered the lifeboats - women and children always go first.

    But in modern society - we are told that men ought to have the 50/50 chance. I'd like to be on that sinking ship - just to see if any man did try to push the idea of saving themselves before women and children.

    Some women object to a man opening a door for them. An age old tradition that does not imply a women is weak or not able - its just a general concession that women ARE special - no matter what their age, looks, demeanour. We open the door as gesture of masculinity - and a women accepting is accepting that balance - the difference between us - and relationship in general in that men ought to be polite and chivalrous! That was the word I took 7000 to rediscover. So we will hear about chivalry soon.

    Sending the nice email would be an act of chivalry. Accepting this women's decision and being nice about it - you know that will cure the hate? Take some away mate - it always does.

    There are people we ought to hate - we cannot help but hate - but never pick up hate and run with it - write a song - a poem - do some art - walk, job, exercise - you can 'divert' it - actually use it because hate is just an energy more than some emotion. So you could hate to make love - literally and in a generally sense.

    But do warn her beforehand! Well - I think its time to move on now brother - its good you met this girl - you had some fun right? Maybe some real passion - but your like me and would NEVER detail what went on to a third party.

    Like if I made a movie - and the guy in the movie met a girl - and the story needed them to get it on - I'd just have them share a brief kiss - then the camera swings around as the walk to the bedroom. Then the door closes. What happens in their is nobodies business apart from the two concerned. I know some men like to talk about their wives - loudly - generally in work - and - well - men have heard that talk. For me - I feel like picking up a scaffold pole - and slamming it.

    Well - I never do - but have warned a few men in my time that such talk was actually demeaning for the wife. Your telling ten other men abut her sexual prowess? Or worse making horrible comments about her - how she looks and so on. There is a way you can talk sexually without demeaning anyone - my mates might say "I'm tired because she was at me all night" - that level - funny - describing in detail - telling the pub - no man who loved a women would do that - no way.

    Anyhow - more food for thought - hope it satisfies your appetite for knowledge - and there's enough of a smorgasbord here to satisfy most I hope.


    Regards again.
  5. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    I can't judge you, so no worries there. It seems to me that you have this image of "Brittaney" that you built up in your mind that you believe she is but can never actually be. Remember, she played you. However intense your feelings for her, no person is worth THAT much pain; making you suicidal. That line "...almost replaced you with this guy right here..." that would have been it for me. That clearly shows that she doesn't feel that you and she could have a truly intimate relationship with one another.

    When you're not with her, and you feel hate for her, that's what you really think of her, that how she REALLY is. When you see her, you go back to that unrealistic vision and still believe she's right for you.

    I really don't want to see you hurt over love. It's happened to me too many times before. Believe me, the sooner you disconnect yourself from her, the better. Find other people to occupy your time; don't be at her beck and call.

    This also may sound corny, but it's true:
    There are so many other women out there better than her. The sooner you start looking, the sooner you'll find them.
  6. youngandconfused

    youngandconfused New Member

    @peacelovingguy: Your information was refreshing, and very comical at times! I have met someone like you before... but sadly I have not seen him for quite some time. I'm glad I got to meet a new person and finally revive what I thought was all dead.. I'm starting to really know more people and to be friendlier. My personality types and strengths are changing to match what was left by the sad sob story of my life a couple of weeks ago.
    you seem to like to have fun. I remember when my friend broke my (expensive) water pipe. I was so drugged up by her, that I told him it wasn't really worth what I paid for it. I told him I lied about the price and he didn't feel as bad. but I'm sure he thought I was a d**k for lying to him... I guess it's better than making him miserable with trying to repay debts to someone who doesn't even need the money. Those were good times indeed... I would do it all again if I could. Everything ended up where it needed to be. Honestly, I believe that our phenomenal interaction is what caused us both to be set straight. She was raped as a child, and my father was murdered. We're both messed up (her more quite so than I) emotionally, and we have each taken a bite out of the cake that sets us straight. Or at least makes us less crazy/psychotic than we were. But I digress...

    @Moses: Your words have been the missing link to why I cannot part myself from her. Although I spent many a nights listening to the same kid cudi song and then my playlist of classical pieces trying to find this, I only found a small substitute. I can really bring myself up out of the anchor hole now; the cog that was missing from my brain was broken and you lent me yours. I really appreciate your words of wisdom. This is really a life saver, more in the fact of me getting back the life I would have had without her, than me taking my own life. True death to me, is losing who I am as a person. For two years I had been building up this illusion of her... ignoring all of her bad traits, amplifying all of her good traits, and even faking a few that *i* believed. She really did just use me... she told me she got bored of José and wanted someone new. Well, she got the cream of the crop. Best of both worlds. And I want her to have it. It's the best gift I could have ever given to her personally. To be able to revive a relationship is great, but the ends don't justify the means, so she will live on forever being the only person who truly knows (aside from you guys!) who truly knows what happened.
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