girl that cant cry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by vbuk, Jan 24, 2007.

  1. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni


    i guess i just need to get things out, im in such a bad state. im sorry if nothing makes sence - not in a good frame of mind. and im sorry if i bore u. im just sorry.

    as most people ive talked to know - my grandad died on friday. he went into hospital on wednsday - he cudnt breathe and lost mobility. my mum n auntie took him to hospital. i went to see him on thursday - mum told me he was really poorly but she said he looks better than he had the previous night. no kind of warning could have prepared me for him. he lay - propped up. he was in his own room. which instantl made me aware he was bad. he had an oxygen mask but wudnt keep it on. he kept putting it on his head - mum told him it looked like a party hat - he smiled. he cudnt talk - that was a shock. he cudnt get out the words. tears started rolling out of his eyes. there was something he wanted to say - dad told him to tell him when he is better - we wont ever know what it was. m dad was getting upset n fidgetty so he went for a little walk. i didnt know what to say to my grandad. at one point my mum went to see the nurse and me n dad just stared at each other - stunned silence. his breathing was so loud n so struggled. ive never seen him like it b4.

    when we were leaving mum n dad said bye to him. he tried his hardest n u could see he was saying bye. i gave him a kiss and he looked at me n managed to say 'bye clare' it seemed unstruggled. ill never forget that. as we were walking out he waved to us. i didnt want to leave him but we had to.

    on friday i had lunch with mum. she had rang the hospital and he was doing much better. we were going to go back to the hospital that night and i was looking foreward to it - as much as i cud. then i was at work. playing around with a tube and a ball i made out of elastic bands (i do work hard - honest!). i had just made a drink. the phone rang n it was sumbody v quiet - i cudnt hear or understand - i thought it was sumbody at warehouse messing around. but then she said it was my mum - she was crying n told me he had died. i walked round the back into the stockroom n just remember swearing. when i was off the phone i just sat on some boxes. a girl i work with came round n asked me what was wrong - i told her n she hugged me. expecting me to b crying but i wasnt. i was shaking. she told me to go upstairs which i did - sat on my bosses desk. head in hands. then i heard the door go downstairs n my boss ran up. he just gave me a huge hug. expecting me to b crying - he even said that he expected a wet sholder. but nothing. but he did tell me i was shaking. which i was - its shock - never felt like that b4. he sent me home. - it was about 5 by now - i found out at about half 4. he died about 4. i later found out my auntie had bin to see him - when the left - must have bin about 30 mins or so. it feels like he waited until he had seen everybody. he knew it was time.

    im going to stop right now. i feel like i cant go into the bad things happening. i dont feel i can let it all out now.

    Thank you to all those that have supported me. thanks to joe and lauren for being amazing as ever. thanks to all those that have talked to me and that ive just met. just thanks to everybody. and special thanks to my best friend (starlight) i know ive being a bitch n not bin a great person but i appreciate everything - my rock. im sorry to everybody if i snap or get mad - i dont mean it - just keep doing wrong

    i love you all - i might try and get more out at sum point xxx
  2. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that your Grandpa passed away. To be honest, I teared up a bit when you talked about how he couldn't breathe, but managed to say goodbye to you, unrestrained.

    When these things happen, our emotions get all mixed up. It really has emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. When you need to let it out, let it out. When you need to rest, rest. Just make sure to take some time for yourself. Once you go through this, after time, you'll be able to move on just as you had before.

    I want you to know that I feel for you, I truly do. I'm sorry.
  3. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    hey, i just had a tough day at work. kinda made me think alot - so i thought i wud write more to my 'story'

    im feeling alot of anger over everything. il list them.

    1. my sister will only take one day off work so has to travel through the night b4 the funeral and then go home on the night. i looked forward to seeing her so so much. all she is talking about is money - yeah i respect that she cant afford much at the mo - maybe im just bin selfish - i just want to have my big sister here. she doenst seem bothered by anything. i love her to bits n im worried that ill b too mad at her on tuesday. i dont want to be but im just so hurt.

    2. i had to put something in the paper - in the bereavements. i got told that i wasnt allowed to put a rugby ball next to his name - im not sure why. my aunties - she had put a rugby ball in hers. i got so mad yesterday - was so scared. i dont know why. i only want the best. i managed to get my mum to put one next to his name. just got me so mad that she cud do it but i cudnt.

    3. all these people r coming to the funeral that dont know my grandparents. the know them but have not bothered with them for years. i know they r going to talk about them as tho the r close. they really arent. its so upsetting. im scared i will shout at them - or get upset.

    sorry - dont feel i can write n e more right now xxx
  4. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    i keep coming on here n staring at it. im scared. i dont know why im just scared.

    i dont want to sleep - i dont want to be alone.

    im scared.

    im sorry

  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Awww hun *hugs* :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
  6. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    i feel like im falling fast - nobody is going to catch me
  7. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    im bin selfish again. feeling so lonely. but as it is gone 1am everyone is going to sleep. im alone. i just want to talk. get things out but cant talk to n e one. i wish i wasnt alone