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Girlfriend Job Issue

Sawyer10

Active Member
#1
Hello everyone not long ago I made a thread asking for advice about a strange relationship issue that I needed to sort with my girlfriend, the advice I got was brilliant and the situation went amazingly. With that in mind seen as I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this I could use a little more advice so here goes.

Currently my girlfriend is a teaching assistant she works with the younger years, children aged around 6-10 for the most part, I’m very proud of her she’s very good at her job and very dedicated to it.

Recently she received a job offer from a secondary school, for a much higher salary than her current one, so it’s a no brainer really, same working hours but for much more money.

The problem doesn’t come from her end, it’s me. Since it’s a secondary school the minimum age will be 11, all the way up to 16 years old. No big deal to some people right but my girlfriend is only 21. Teenage boys with raging hormones will be constantly making comments about her in a sexual manner, I remember the days at school, one lad even touched a teacher back when I was at school, he was expelled but a lot of kids have no fear.

So I think my worry and panic is clear. I also realise how I need to get a grip though. She’s my girlfriend we are hugely close and we are in love. She’s just doing her job and can’t control the actions of pupils. I don’t want to become a controlling, possessive boyfriend who is annoyed because his girlfriend took a job he doesn’t like. I wanted to know if anyone has any advice on how I can keep my head together, deal with this and not let it be an issue, I don’t really want to bring it up to her because it’s a very controlling way to act I can see that.
 
#2
Your girlfriend will probably be expected not to dress in a provocative way anyway, so if she does that and doesn't wear make up, that might help to deter interest.

I'm also sure any improper comments from boys would be disciplined.

It may help to realize that this is a problem of your imagination. Your girlfriend and your relationship aren't at risk. Maybe something like CBT might help. You may be able to learn CBT skills on your own, or with a therapist.

As long as you're not demanding too much from your girlfriend, she'll probably be willing to do things to reassure you.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#3
Hey there @Sawyer10

I can understand your concerns, it shows how much she means to you and also the reasons why you're posting clearly demonstrates how you do not wish this to affect the long term health of your relationship.
Perhaps it would be worth considering discussing your concerns with your girlfriend? Having an open conversation may help to allay your concerns or begin the process of doing so.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#4
I think it's natural to have a protective reaction for someone you care for. It sounds like you understand this is a great opportunity for your girlfriend, and if she wants to change the job, you should encourage her to do so. Her success is your success.

Kids that would be willing to make those kinds of inappropriate comments probably wouldn't be deterred even if the age gap were a lot bigger. Are you concerned that she won't be able to properly discipline or defend herself in the class? Or are you more bothered just by the fact that the comments might happen? If at any point she feels she can't handle it alone, she has you and many other resources at her disposal to resolve the trouble.

Of course it's not just the boys to worry about.. in one of my high school classes a girl got a note taken up by the female teacher which was read out loud to the class which involved.. well things about the teacher that the student didn't want read out loud. The student was kicked out of class permanently. Problem solved and hopefully lesson learned.
 

Sawyer10

Active Member
#5
It is more that I am concerned that the comments will be made but as said above I can’t control that at all. It’s a strange situation because I wouldn’t class myself as controlling, when bars reopened around summer time, she went to drink outdoors plenty of times with friends, surrounded by drunk guys and I had no issue.

I feel a bit of an entrapment issue really. She can attempt to discipline the children’s comments but can’t just leave work if she doesn’t like it. If comments or uncomfortable behaviour happens outside she can always walk away.

The more time goes by though, the more I actually want her to get the job, she would be in a much better financial position, thus happier and I absolutely do not want to be an insecure, controlling boyfriend. Despite the tough year with Covid, we have had an incredible year and she has helped me with all my mental battles. I now want to be there for her and help her too when she needs the support.
 

BarryW

SF Supporter
#6
Thanks for elaborating on what you are concerned about. You're right that she is probably required to stay in the classroom minus emergency situations. I can see how that's different than a bar where you could theoretically get up and walk away to another table or just leave the building entirely.

From the teachers that I have spoken to and know closely (not as their student), classroom control is definitely a big part of the job. How do you feel about her classroom control skills?
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#7
Hello everyone not long ago I made a thread asking for advice about a strange relationship issue that I needed to sort with my girlfriend, the advice I got was brilliant and the situation went amazingly. With that in mind seen as I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this I could use a little more advice so here goes.

Currently my girlfriend is a teaching assistant she works with the younger years, children aged around 6-10 for the most part, I’m very proud of her she’s very good at her job and very dedicated to it.

Recently she received a job offer from a secondary school, for a much higher salary than her current one, so it’s a no brainer really, same working hours but for much more money.

The problem doesn’t come from her end, it’s me. Since it’s a secondary school the minimum age will be 11, all the way up to 16 years old. No big deal to some people right but my girlfriend is only 21. Teenage boys with raging hormones will be constantly making comments about her in a sexual manner, I remember the days at school, one lad even touched a teacher back when I was at school, he was expelled but a lot of kids have no fear.

So I think my worry and panic is clear. I also realise how I need to get a grip though. She’s my girlfriend we are hugely close and we are in love. She’s just doing her job and can’t control the actions of pupils. I don’t want to become a controlling, possessive boyfriend who is annoyed because his girlfriend took a job he doesn’t like. I wanted to know if anyone has any advice on how I can keep my head together, deal with this and not let it be an issue, I don’t really want to bring it up to her because it’s a very controlling way to act I can see that.
I think it will work itself out and your girlfriend sounds smart so I bet that she can handle herself. Its really good of you to be concerned though, just my opinion. It's only human nature. You know, it goes both ways, we had a male teacher in middle school and we girls were gaga over him but no harm done. Congrats to your girlfriend I bet shes gonna do great.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#8
Your girlfriend will probably be expected not to dress in a provocative way anyway, so if she does that and doesn't wear make up, that might help to deter interest.

I'm also sure any improper comments from boys would be disciplined.

It may help to realize that this is a problem of your imagination. Your girlfriend and your relationship aren't at risk. Maybe something like CBT might help. You may be able to learn CBT skills on your own, or with a therapist.

As long as you're not demanding too much from your girlfriend, she'll probably be willing to do things to reassure you.
@may71 she should dress however she feels comfortable. You know my boss has jokingly told me my pants were too tight at work or shirt, but I get my job done and efficiently. She can dress up to the T's, full face if make-up. It's his she feels good about herself.

My son was brought to the office for making a stupid comment once, I forget about what...but IMO schools go to far lately and everyone's way too sensitive when people are just plain being human. I get it, if its repeated bullying or harrassment. But if @Sawyer10 's girlfriend is working there and she will get comments she us going to have to handle it with humor and grace and the boys (omg, lets not leave out the girls) will not be brought to the principals office everytime a comment is made.
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#9
Also she may decide she likes teaching so much and go on to get a degree. Is it fair to have to worry about reassuring a partner that shes not being, leered at by children. I think she will be fine. Shes an adult.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#10
Hello everyone not long ago I made a thread asking for advice about a strange relationship issue that I needed to sort with my girlfriend, the advice I got was brilliant and the situation went amazingly. With that in mind seen as I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this I could use a little more advice so here goes.

Currently my girlfriend is a teaching assistant she works with the younger years, children aged around 6-10 for the most part, I’m very proud of her she’s very good at her job and very dedicated to it.

Recently she received a job offer from a secondary school, for a much higher salary than her current one, so it’s a no brainer really, same working hours but for much more money.

The problem doesn’t come from her end, it’s me. Since it’s a secondary school the minimum age will be 11, all the way up to 16 years old. No big deal to some people right but my girlfriend is only 21. Teenage boys with raging hormones will be constantly making comments about her in a sexual manner, I remember the days at school, one lad even touched a teacher back when I was at school, he was expelled but a lot of kids have no fear.

So I think my worry and panic is clear. I also realise how I need to get a grip though. She’s my girlfriend we are hugely close and we are in love. She’s just doing her job and can’t control the actions of pupils. I don’t want to become a controlling, possessive boyfriend who is annoyed because his girlfriend took a job he doesn’t like. I wanted to know if anyone has any advice on how I can keep my head together, deal with this and not let it be an issue, I don’t really want to bring it up to her because it’s a very controlling way to act I can see that.
oh by do i remember these days ,my hormones raged but i never once made a comment to any women ,its normal for teenagers to chat amongst themselves .
As you said you cant control others ,dont take offence but this could be to do with your own self esteem ,work on this ,i mean no disrespect .
 

Lane

SF Supporter
#11
@may71 she should dress however she feels comfortable. You know my boss has jokingly told me my pants were too tight at work or shirt, but I get my job done and efficiently. She can dress up to the T's, full face if make-up. It's his she feels good about herself.

My son was brought to the office for making a stupid comment once, I forget about what...but IMO schools go to far lately and everyone's way too sensitive when people are just plain being human. I get it, if its repeated bullying or harrassment. But if @Sawyer10 's girlfriend is working there and she will get comments she us going to have to handle it with humor and grace and the boys (omg, lets not leave out the girls) will not be brought to the principals office everytime a comment is made.
Yes, it was to his friends a d the teacher overheard, it was about sex not a comment. I was mad but as my son wished I didn't get involved.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#12
oh by do i remember these days ,my hormones raged but i never once made a comment to any women ,its normal for teenagers to chat amongst themselves .
As you said you cant control others ,dont take offence but this could be to do with your own self esteem ,work on this ,i mean no disrespect .
I forgot to say that your girlfreind can follow the disciplinary procedures that the school has to stop any disrespect or harassment if it comes her way .
 
#13
she should dress however she feels comfortable
Is it fair to have to worry about reassuring a partner that shes not being, leered at by children
I think it's her right to dress however she wants. That doesn't mean that @Sawyer10 shouldn't communicate about how he feels.

It could be that Sawyer's GF wouldn't mind doing things to reassure him. I think it's ok for him to talk about his insecurities and propose a solution, as long as he understands that he doesn't have a right to impose solutions on her. And it really sounds like he doesn't want to control her in any way, he's just insecure.

I think if Sawyer talks about how he feels, with the understanding that his GF isn't obligated to accommodate his insecurities, they'll probably be able to work something out.
 

Lux

Outrageously Awesome
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#14
she should dress however she feels comfortable. You know my boss has jokingly told me my pants were too tight at work or shirt, but I get my job done and efficiently. She can dress up to the T's, full face if make-up. It's his she feels good about herself.
thissss
since when was it a woman's job (or anyone's job to be fair) to dress in a way that won't make men (again, can also be flipped) act provocatively

@Sawyer10 - what exactly are the fears? Is it how the potential leering of teenage boys is gonna make her feel, or is it a jealousy thing?

kudos for trying to address your issues btw :)
 
#15
since when was it a woman's job (or anyone's job to be fair) to dress in a way that won't make men (again, can also be flipped) act provocatively
It's really not her job. No one has said it's her or any woman's job to dress in a particular way to accommodate the wishes of a man.

In relationships though, people can do things for each other, especially if it's not something that bothers them. If she asked him to grow a beard, because she really likes beards, that wouldn't mean that it's his job to grow one. If he fancied having one anyway, or at least didn't mind growing one, that might be something he could do to please her. If conversely, if he had a beard, and she found beards deeply disturbing, he might be willing to shave to please her.

If she doesn't mind dressing conservatively for work, that's one way to help resolve the issue. If she would really object to dressing in a certain way, then he'd have to find some other way to deal with this.
 

Ash600

Of dust and shadows
SF Creative
SF Supporter
#16
It's really not her job. No one has said it's her or any woman's job to dress in a particular way to accommodate the wishes of a man.

In relationships though, people can do things for each other, especially if it's not something that bothers them. If she asked him to grow a beard, because she really likes beards, that wouldn't mean that it's his job to grow one. If he fancied having one anyway, or at least didn't mind growing one, that might be something he could do to please her. If conversely, if he had a beard, and she found beards deeply disturbing, he might be willing to shave to please her.

If she doesn't mind dressing conservatively for work, that's one way to help resolve the issue. If she would really object to dressing in a certain way, then he'd have to find some other way to deal with this.
From what I can see, we're getting seriously off track here and so getting away from what the OP. @Sawyer10 wanted, which is advice. By all means carry this discussion on, but how about out of respect of the OP, in a separate thread?
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#17
Your girlfriend will probably be expected not to dress in a provocative way anyway, so if she does that and doesn't wear make up, that might help to deter interest.
Well isn't this everything wrong with men all wrapped up in a single sentence? Good God. The level of offensive isn't even on a scale.
 

Freya

Loves SF
Forum Owner
ADMIN
SF Author
#18
@Sawyer10 I understand your concerns. However, I worked in an secondary school for years and only came across a student making inappropriate comments to a staff member once. That student was excluded immediately.

Your girlfriend absolutely can leave the situation if she were to feel that she was not in control of it or felt unsafe or threatened and every school in the country would 100% support her right to do so. If a student was making her feel uncomfortable in that way, she walks away/walks out and reports it. It gets taken care of and she doesn’t get assigned to those classes.

Further, as a teaching assistant, she is not alone in a class as a teacher would be. She has support all of the time. She has access to and support from another professional at all times.

Finally, don’t rule out the other teenagers. The one time I saw this happen in a classroom the teen in question was metaphorically ripped apart by the other kids in the room. And this was years before the me-too movement. You are right that teenage boys have raging hormones but you’re forgetting teenage girls. Teenage girls are absolutely not afraid to eviscerate a teenage boy if they perceive he is being a sexist revolting little asshole.

This is not going to be the problem you think it is. Honestly.
 
Last edited:
#19
Apologies I didn’t reply to this thread, with Christmas coming up and a bunch of other things I’ve been quite sidetracked. I just wanted to say, having actually read my original post it is just pure jealousy and low self esteem that made me panic, that’s my problem, not my girlfriend’s or some teenagers at the school.

Deep down I know I have absolutely no right to say anything about where she should and shouldn’t work, I’m now in a place where I just support her decisions 100%, we’ve come a long way together this year, to perhaps mess this up out of some kind of jealousy that could come across as controlling is ridiculous, that is her career and all I should be doing for her is supporting her not making her feel bad.

She’s been wonderful for me, I also want to apologise to anybody in this thread who it seemed like I was saying I had a right to tell her what to do, she is of course free as an adult to make her own choices and as her boyfriend I am here to support her no matter what, appreciate everyone’s advice, also thank you for opening my eyes as to how nasty that can actually sound, it’s not my right to get involved in her career and I want to apologise to anybody who might be thinking I’m a controlling guy, I’m just doing my best to improve as a person aswell I have full respect to anyone who wants to further their career and I don’t have the right to be getting involved in her choices, thanks to all for your help you’ve helped open my eyes 🙂
 

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