Sorry in advance for this being long, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I was with this girl for 2.5 years. Knew her for 4. I can honestly say she was the love of my life. But unfortunately, she <Mod Edit: Methods> a couple of months ago and died while we were living in Hawaii. We were supposed to move in together and live a new life away from the bs in our separate lives. I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. But I guess the guilt over what she did to me a couple of years ago (basically pushing me away by lying to me about something) got to her. I was stupid at the time. I didn't think about what she was going through. She needed me, and I abandoned her. But important thing was we fixed everything when we rekindled and got back together. She still felt bad though. I was supposed to see her the next night on my 24th birthday, to which I find out she killed herself. I also found out about her past and how horrifying her childhood was, which were also implications on why she did it. I didn't even know she did drugs until after she died. The text she left on her phone said that she didn't feel like she deserved me or her female best friend; that she would never be good enough, which was the complete opposite. She has inspired me so much in my life. I'm a writer, and I have written and published 2 superhero novels so far that are set in Hawaii and even adapted a script off the 1st one that I'm turning into a feature film. She served as a crucial character in it. I promised her when she died that I would finish this movie for her, since it's been a huge struggle with getting things going since it's original and considered a risk. But that's changed. I just want to give up. All I can think about is the guilt I have over her death. I should have saved her. I keep thinking of scenarios in my head that I could have done. I'm in constant pain. It's like someone stabbing you in the stomach and leaving the knife there. She was a good person. She would have never done this to hurt me. I think she was so caught up in her emotions she didn't realize the effect it would have on me. It's been a terrible 2 months. All I have done is continue to unintentionally destroy relationships with my friends and family. They don't understand what I am going through, and yet some get upset when I speak about it. They say "just move on. It's life." I just feel like a huge failure to everyone. She wouldn't want me to give up, esp on my movie. But even that's not enough to cleanse the pain. I just want to be with her. Call me crazy, but I did have a sort of paranormal dream one night where I saw her. She looked peaceful and no longer in pain. She had this glow to her, yet she looked sad that she couldn't be there. Now I'm thinking, "what the heck is the point in even struggling day to day when we end up just having our problems solved anyways when we die? Why not just be with her and get it over with?" I know I sound like a whiny kid, but I can't picture life without her. She was everything to me. All I see myself in is darkness. I don't talk about it to anyone anymore because I know we all have problems in our lives and the least thing people need is someone to burden them, so that's why I'm writing it on here and why it's so long. I'm not expecting anyone to respond. For the first time in my life, I'm lost and don't know what to do. I just want to give up on everything, yet I'm scared of dying at the same time. I'm scared of the pain. Yet I still want to be with her. If you're still reading, have you gone through this? Is there anyone out there that can relate? And if so, how did you overcome this? Thanks for reading if you did.