girlfriend may die soon, I want to go also

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hyperionxvii, Jun 24, 2008.

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  1. hyperionxvii

    hyperionxvii Member

    My girlfriend is in the ICU ward of Bayview hospital in Baltimore, MD. She has a malignant brain tumor and they have apparently given up hope on her. We had a long distance relationship for 8 months, frequently driving and flying to meet and 34 days ago I moved to be close to her so that we could start a new life together. Both of us had suffered through terrible marriages for years, and we finally had our chance to be happy. I have never been as close to anyone as I am to her, not even my kids, my parents, brothers or sisters, no other relationship has even came close. We were truly soul mates. We were to be married on September 21, our one year anniversary of first meeting each other, the most wonderful weekend of my life to that point. On the very day that I moved here to be with her, I had to take her to the ER because of a bad headache, confusion and lack of balance. They found the brain tumor, now only 34 days later they have practically given her a death sentence. It appears only a miracle will pull her through. I don't want to go on without her, I had a brief but wonderful few months of true happiness for the first time since I was a kid, and that is being cruelly taken away in a seeming instant. I do not know anyone else in this area and I am truly alone without her, so on top of the unbearable grief if I lose her, I will be utterly alone in unfamiliar surroundings. I am not really religous, do not attend church, but I am not an aetheist either. If she dies, I do not want to live, and the only thing keeping me from taking my own life is that I fear being punished even more by not being able to see her in an after life. But I do not think it is possible to survive this, the pain is too much.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I feal for you! death of a loved one just doesn't go away, you have to go through the stages of grief. I remember the first two but can't remember the others. 1) you will go through grieving 2) you will go thru anger. Thats all I remember.
    I'm sure she would rather you live than harm yourself. You were both so alive together. Why would you want to change that! You need to go on living, she will always be alive if you keep thinking of her and the stuff you use to do together. You should be happy she isn't in any pain now. The doctors usually keep patients with cancer pretty druged up. Keep posting so we know how you are doing and so we can help give you support. I know right now you don't want to hear any of this so I will leave you alone.Please stay in touch!!:chopper:
  3. hyperionxvii

    hyperionxvii Member

    I know that she would not want me to stop living, but I don't see any reason to go on if she does not survive this. Everything has lost it's beauty in this life, the sky, the trees, the water, none of it is beautiful anymore, it's all dead to me. I love music and her and I enjoyed it so much together and now I find no pleause in it. I am thoroughly convinced that if she dies, I will end my life. There is nothing that can take her place.
  4. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    You know, in some relations, people, when there is a risk of death to one of them
    (like in your case) thay planning about what should thay do.
    Most of the time in ends up in that way:
    If its like in yours situation, your gf should think about leaving kids after she will go
    I know it may sound very bad thing to think about, but in such situations people
    do really wierd things, for example she can leave her cells (the cells you need for kids) and then you will go threw a prosses where the eggs will tourn into
    leaving organs or something like that, sorry my english is limited but i hope you undarstand.
    And then your gf will stay with you forever by giving you kids, and as many
    beleave, her soul will servive and stay with you, in this kids.
    That way you will feel her near you, it can make your pain much easyer.

    You really should think about starting this conversation with her
    but i also hope you undarstand the responsbility
  5. hyperionxvii

    hyperionxvii Member

    I can't talk to her, she is only half conscious because of this tumor is putting pressure on her brain and they have done all tehy can do surgically to remove part of it. I understand what you are saying, but I am too old to start raising children, I have 2 of my own and she also has 2, both from our previous marriages. I am a believe in technology though and I want her kept alive at all cost because if there is some brain damage, they may be able to repair that in the future with new stem cell technology. Her and I have a true soul mate type of relationship. The connection between us was immediate and intense and it has never stopped growing.
  6. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    In such case i sugjest you to start looking over the internet for the
    best neurologists you can find, send them all emails, tell them about hers situation. I heard a story once, long time ago, how someone with death sentance got saved becouse someone from his fammily found a doctor from far away to agree to make an experemental treatment, and thay saved him.
  7. hyperionxvii

    hyperionxvii Member

    Thanks Summer, me and some of Helen's friends are doing that right now. I have already been in contact with several, but no luck yet.
  8. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Thats great!
    I wish you good luck
    dont loose hope
    good things DO HAPPEN!
  9. hyperionxvii

    hyperionxvii Member

    My girlfriend Helen, my reason for living, passed away last night at 10:25pm in my arms. I am extremely grief stricken and in a seeming state of shock. I go from staring blankly at the walls in complete numbness to severe breakdowns. Occasionally I come out of it and think I should be doing something, but when I get up to do it, I forget what I was going to do and just wonder around my apartment aimlessly, my mind in hopeless confusion. I want to be with her. I do believe in an afterlife. I did not believe in spiritual things too much until I met Helen, but the things that have happened between us have forced me to change my beliefs about many things. I want to die now, I have lost the one thing I waited all my life for and life has no meaning now. I want to take my own life but I fear being punished by not getting to be with her after I die. That's what spiritual people are telling me that I have been talking to the last couple of days. Let me just say that I am not a believer in superstituos silly things, I have always been a very pragmatic and scientific thinking person. But there are things that I have experienced that have slowly forced me to know that there are things beyond the physical realm. I am not afraid to die, I want to, but I do not want to delay my chance to be with her again, so I am fighthing the temptation, but the pain is literally unbearable.
  10. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I felt like you when my daughter died, I just wanted to join her and I still feel that way. I am not scared to die and would even get jealous when I heard about other people dying. But over 12 months later I am still here.

    That is so sad, I really feel for you. At this point in time its all about you, don't go around trying to please people, do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If people offer to help you, make use of it. Because in another few weeks they will forget about you. Allow yourself to cry, and what you are feeling is pefectly normal. I lost my appetite for 3 days! You will have your ups and downs.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 26, 2008
  11. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    I am truly sorry to hear that Helen did not make it. You are grieving for her & it's only natural that you feel you want to be with her. In time these feelings will lessen, it won't happen overnight but we are all here to support you :hug:

    Take time to remember the good times you had together & be gentle on yourself.

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