girlfriend will kill herself

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by dagnar, Jan 5, 2008.

  1. dagnar

    dagnar New Member

    I've been in a relationship with this girl for seven months now, and even though I really care for her it is not working out. She's had a rough life and things are hard for her, and she needs me to be her strength, which is fine, except that we're together nearly 24/7 and when we're not we're on the phone, which prevents me from doing homework, etc. There's a lot more to it as well, but this is the main thing that worries me, because I'm going off to college later this year and she wants to come with me; not go to the same school, but maybe another school in the area or maybe just get an apartment and work. Thing is, seeing as we are together all the time now and she gets distraught when we are not, I know if we go off to some city together and I have to live in the dorms or something and not with her, it will be very hard, and I know she'll be needing me to come over all the time or talk on the phone for hours a day, because that's the way it is now, and this will, I am sure, prevent me from getting any work done in college as it is doing in high school. For less selfish reasons, I am worried that I simply won't be able to spend as much time with her as I would like to, or as she needs me to, and she will be in a strange city with no one to turn to for support--except me. (Although to be honest, what family she has in our home town isn't much support and is more of a problem than anything, but I still feel bad taking her away from what home she has: her mom ended up in poverty by following a guy she thought she loved to a new city.)

    So my rational mind tells me, for both our sakes, this should end. However, if we break up she will kill herself.

    Today we got in an argument over the phone and she hung up on me. Soon after she came over and gave my stuff back to me, which constituted the umpteenth time she has broken up with me. Dutifully, I followed her out to her car and we cried and stuff for several hours, etc., I went inside and she drove off. This is the closest we've ever come to breaking up.

    A few minutes later she called me, hysterical, and I managed to make out that she wanted me to come out to her car parked outside. So, fearing for her, I did, just in time to unwrap the seatbelt she had tightly wrapped around her neck. Then she cried until she passed out, and upon waking a few minutes later she had lost all memory of everything since the previous evening.

    This has happened before, and it seems to get worse; I really don't want it to happen in a new city if she follows me to college.

    So we are still together now, because this incident has shattered any hope I had for being able to break up with her without killing her, which is something I definitely don't want to do.

    So what should I do?

    Also, though she knows she needs medication, she can't afford it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2008
  2. My advice is for you not to break up with her. Alot of people may disagree with me, and I understand the concept of "think about yourself and the hurt you are going through" notion. It can be debated whether or not breaking up with her would be considered selfish or self-defense. It is true that you do need to look out for yourself, however, by breaking up with her because the situation is difficult, is ignoring the love you had with her sometime in your relationship with her. There is a reason you both are together. To end it like this, is not proper.

    CRUSHED Well-Known Member

    She is sickly in love with you. I wish someday for someone to love me like that. Anyways, I can't give you any advises, but what ever you decide to do you must do it carefully, and think it over and over. Obviously it won't be easy for both of you.

    I wish you all the best:smile:
  4. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    what sort of medical issue does she have?

    Sounds rough mate.. must be very .. tearing.

    I donno man.. talking about it will help for sure, and I really believe that everything we do in life should be part of a step forward. Id say you have alot of questions youre asking yourself, about your relationship and your life.

    Can you talk to her about things or does it reach a certain point where she can't talk?
  5. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    You've got a huge responsibility on you and you don't need this if you don't want it.

    She's ultimately responsible for her own life.

    I recommend you sitting her down and telling her calmly how you feel. How you feel you can't cope, and how you love her. Reassure her of your love but you feel scared and it must be scary to have someone's life in your hands.

    Your feelings are important too. This sounds very stressful and a nightmare.

    She does sound very volatile, unwell and a risk to herself and it's not your job to keep her alive. She does need outside support- if you could look up any help for her- any counselling, suicide lines, mental health charities, doctors, etc- to get as many people involved in looking after her as possible because she does sound very suicidal. Perhaps being admitted to hospital would be a good idea for a while? Is that possible? If you think she's going to kill herself then perhaps alert the police, ambulance etc and get other people involved.
  6. dagnar

    dagnar New Member

    Thanks everyone for the support and advice :)

    I've decided to have a talk with her this weekend, reassuring her that I love her but that I feel she is smothering me, which is putting a lot of stress on the relationship and hurting us both. I'll tell her that my intentions are to succeed in and enjoy college, and while I do want her to be there with me, that doesn't mean she can keep me on a leash, as she (hopefully jokingly) has said.

    If she feels that it will be too hard for her to go without seeing me every day, and that it would be easiest for her if we broke up, then hopefully, as it will then be her decision, she won't feel the need to do anything stupid. (But if it comes to this I will still have her best friend call her to provide some measure of support.) And if she can live with seeing me less, then the relationship should get stronger.
  7. dagnar

    dagnar New Member

    Jesus F***ing Christ.
    Talk about phission mailed.

    Today was the day I was going to sit her down and have the necessary talk with her, but it turned out she already had something on her mind, spurred by something her friend had said a couple days ago. I asked her what it was, and we got to talking; the conversation seemed to be going in the direction in which I already intended to take it, so I was a bit relieved I didn't have to bring it up out of nowhere and seem a jerk.

    She tells me she wants just us two to be together--and by this she means neither one of us is allowed any friends, nor to talk or even smile to other people. (She admits her jealousy is getting worse.) I told her I am not comfortable being kept on a leash, being kept locked away from the world. She then reminisced about the guy who had a crush on her before we started dating, saying how he was the type who would be happy just waiting at home for her all day and wagging his tail when she returned, like a puppy.

    She said how she gave up everything she wanted when she went out with me. This guy asked her out a couple days before I did, but she told him it was too soon after her last relationship. The reason she's with me then is because she's had a crush on me for three years. But she would have just gone to our local university had she stayed with him, rather than following me off to some random city. She would have had the type of boyfriend she needs, and would have gotten married in a year or two. Which is, of course, her goal in life. but she gave this, as well as all her friends (who were friends with this guy too), up to be with me, and in consequence I am her Everything.

    This guy apparently still sends her messages wanting to be friends and stuff, even though she has been a jerk to him. I would have no problem with this, except that she feels bad about it and considers it "cheating" on me.

    So eventually I told her that my being her Everything is a huge responsibility on me that I'm having trouble bearing; I'm not strong enough to be all that she needs me to be, I say to her. I try to explain the things I mentioned in my previous posts, but she does not like the idea that she will not be the number one priority in my life when we go to college. (The reason is, that I'm having serious trouble/stress dealing with it just in high school, which is easy; if I get into MIT or something where the work is difficult and I have to devote a lot of time to it if I'm to not waste those thousands of dollars a year, it will be even more serious trouble. I've heard horror stories about MIT seriously psychologically messing students up if you don't go in mentally healthy, and quite frankly, this relationship is not leaving me in a very healthy mental state.) She says, and is correct in saying so, that if she is not my highest priority all the time then I don't love her the way she loves me (which is apparently not healthy, judging by what she will do if we break up).

    She says that love is giving all you can to those who need it. She says since she has these mental problems, and I don't, I can afford to sacrifice all the good things I have to make the bad things in her life a little easier.

    The problem with this is that anything I can possibly say to argue with this is disgustingly selfish, and I know it, but I just (selfishly) cannot bring myself to agree with that definition of love either. But any word you use to describe how I feel--responsibility, burden, stress, unable to cope--these words are not something one can just call your lover and expect her to take it well. Additionally there is the factor that these things which I complain about are much worse for her: I can get away from it all; she must live with it, so I feel guilty mentioning how I am finding it increasingly hard to deal with.

    So she tells me I must not love her if I can just watch her sit there writhing in pain. I am in pain myself of course, but it is selfish to think of that as hers is really much worse.

    This results in the tears of sadness being joined by tears of anger and whathaveyou, and she tells me that I never loved her, etc. I get slapped a couple times, and she mentions suicide. We get into a debate over whether she has anything to live for; I try to insist she has much, but honestly, her life is so bad I can't think of specific examples when she asks for them. At this point my idea is to get her to a stable point where she is at least reconciled with us not being together--since she is immovable in her demands which I am unable to meet, and vice versa--and then drive her to her friend's house to spend the night, so she isn't alone and able to hurt herself.

    But then she faints, and upon coming to, the last thing she can remember was around 5:00, several hours ago before this whole thing even started. So sh*t, even though I wasn't happy with how hurt she was before she fainted, at least I hoped it was nearing an end and she could stay with her friend and eventually get over it. But now it is as if none of it ever happened, except that I am emotionally exhausted and she wonders why we were crying.

    I decide to use this opportunity to go a different route, by explaining to her what happened and how I feel in a much gentler way and by being open to more compromise, making the point that I really want us to stay together. There are tears, though not as bad as last time. She is understanding now, and says that she loves and needs me so much she will be the one to change to how I want the relationship to be--that is, we take a step back from each other. She says she'll find some other way to deal with the depression and doubts etc that constantly plague her, rather than burdening me with it. She'll do this to be with me, or anything, just please she needs me baby.

    Of course this makes me feel like a complete lowlife: her problems are already much worse than mine, and yet she is willing to make hers worse to make mine easier, while I am not even willing to worsen my comparatively light problems to ease her heavy ones. God what a shithead this makes me feel like, and I tell her so. I tell her that's all well and dandy, but I don't see how I'd be able to live with myself. I tell her I want to tell her I love her more than anything, but she'd call me a liar and we both know she'd be right to do so.

    She says she won't call me a liar, that I shouldn't worry about it; she wants me to just forget the problem and let her deal with it in secret. This does not make me feel very good about myself, and she is desperate to hold onto me.

    Then she faints a second time; upon waking, she is angry. I fear she has regained her memory of what happened the first time she fainted. She tells me scornfully that I am disgustingly selfish, and then faints again. I do not know if this was her memory returning, or merely the surfacing of the thoughts she, out of love, was willing to suppress to be with me.

    This time I am fearful of in what state she will awaken, but when she does she is not angry and has not lost any memory, except that she has no recollection of previously awakening just long enough to call me selfish, as the whole process took only three minutes.

    A few minutes later she faints again, and this is the second time she has forgotten everything since 5:00. It is as if nothing has happened. I am too exhausted and don't have the heart anyway to explain to her what happened and make her cry more, so I tell her everything is fine. Okay.

    We go to make some tea; she has a headache, as well as that peculiar exhaustion one feels after crying for a long time, but she has no recollection of crying. She feels sad, but has no idea why. She nearly faints standing in the kitchen, so I bring her back to lie down on the couch. I go into the other room for a minute to get the tea, and when I come back she appears to be sleeping. I don't know if she really did doze off or if she passed out, but in any case upon waking she is reverted back to 5:00. (It is past 11:00 by this time.) I sort of explain what happened since then, glossing over the bad parts, and then she peacefully dozes off/faints again while lying there. Upon waking she's back to 5:00 again, and doesn't believe what time it is until I open the window on the outside black. (Each time she wakes, she thinks she just fell asleep at 5:00 and didn't wake up until now.)

    I definitely don't want her to drive home in this condition, but she refuses to sleep over (doesn't want my parents to hate her) so I drive her home. At one point in the car she drifts off, and is understandably startled upon waking, having to her mind just dozed off on a couch in my house at 5:00 and suddenly finding herself in a moving car in the middle of the night. I calm her down, and she tells me she thought she was drugged and kidnapped or something.

    I get her home and tuck her in; she falls asleep, and before leaving I write a note to leave at her bedside explaining where she is and how she got there and all, just in case she has lost her memory again when she wakes up, but I really hope a good sleep is all she needs (for now, I mean; unfortunately that won't fix anything for good...).

    So. It's like that movie Groundhog Day, except not funny. (Actually, I was finding it a bit funny after one of the times she woke up on the couch and I got to explain it all again, but luckily she didn't have a memory of what really happened so I didn't appear insensitive to her.)

    At this point we are right back where we started from before we even started talking about the issues in our relationship, except that a) this "condition" or whatever of hers is getting worse, and b) even though, due to her forgetfulness, nothing has changed in our relationship and nothing has been solved, I still have all the memories and the full brunt of the tears and the things that were said, and it weighs heavily on my conscience. I get to experience the pain of a break-up--and also the pain of the times this happens that don't end in break-ups--over and over again, without the eventual healing that comes after an actual breakup. And it is my burden to bear: as far as she in concerned our relationship is just hunky dory, since she gets to forget all the really bad parts. Of course I tell her about them, but never in enough detail to make her cry again, and I reassure her that everything is alright and I love her more than anything.

    It's like 50 First Dates, except written by Kafka.

    Sorry for the long rant; I think I just needed to get it all off my chest more than I'm looking for advice.
  8. Christianv2

    Christianv2 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like shes the one who needs to seek medical help/counseling and advice, not you.