Girls without dads

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by stuckinchicago6, May 5, 2010.

  1. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I think it is soooooo easy for people who had fathers to tell me to be strong. Nothing feels worse than having a dad who lives ten minutes away but hasn't seen me since autumn. He didn't even get me a Christmas gift. He has never put a roof over my head and he hasn't given me a dime since 18. I rarely got presents from him only what was court ordered. For his second wife and his two sons, he bought them a house. He has contributed nothing towards my college education. I wanted to take some summer classes, he will not even give me nothing. He just lied and said he would then screamed at me when I reminded him, even cursing at me. I could forgive him a million times for no longer supporting me financially and I have (even though some say I shouldn't), but for not caring emotionally, I could never forgive him at this point... He is a scum too who makes pretty decent money. Ever since he saw me win an award and get into the honor's society, he stopped seeing me. He doesn't care that I've made dean's list three semesters in a row. He doesn't care that I have never received one "C" in college..

    People think it is so easy for me not to care about his rejection, but it hurts like nothing else. It is the worst kind of rejection there is. My mother who had a father tells me to be strong. She will NEVER UNDERSTAND! He is her ex-husband, but he is my father. The rejection of an ex-husband will never hurt as much as the rejection of a parent. She just doesn't understand. She had a nice daddy. Lots of these other girls had nice dads too and they even manage to get boyfriends who love them. Why do they get to have it all? On the other hand, I had a sh*t dad and I can not even get any decent guy. They only leave me once they find out I won't do anything. It makes me feel soooo low. I know it is selfish, but I feel like I deserve a man even more than the girls who have dads. I would give my husband everything and respect him for the simple fact that he would be the only man ever in my life.

    My issues with my dad also make my break-ups feel like the world has ended. I have an intense fear of being alone. I noticed that most girls with dads who have breakups get sad, but not to the extent that I do..... I get broken, often beyond repair.

    Soooo QUICK QUESTION: Are there any other girls in here who grew up without a father? Do you feel it has affected you? Do you notice that you are different from your friends who had fathers?

    I find that guys assume I'm easy once they find out my parents are divorced. Very old fashioned and ridiculous, but even the most progressive thinking guys are like that deep down inside. Even though I'm still a virgin and lots of my friends who have dads are not! Still, it seems that guys respect them more. I don't have a dad to protect me. I know this all sounds very juvenile, but I am just sooo upset. The other day, i truly found out my dad wants nothing more to do with me. I used to have an ounce of hope... Now, there is none. Sometimes, I even fantasize that we have a good relationship. How pathetic of me... This is what it has come to. Lately, to avoid guys thinking I have a messed up family life, I will lie and say that my dad is dead. It is just soooo much easier. It feels like he is gone too
  2. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Well, I had a father around, but since he sexually abused me, not sure it was a good thing....

    I'm so sorry your dad has treated you so poorly. You sound like such an incredible person, he's a fool for not having you in his life. Is your mom's dad still around? Maybe spending some time with him would be worthwhile.

    As far as guys go, good for you for not giving in when you don't want to. And believe me, there are good, no great, guys out there looking. My son and most of his friends are having just as much trouble meeting a girl who is going to treat them right. It's just a shame that it's so hard to meet others. But there are guys out there, and I hope you find someone very special. You sure deserve to.
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I'm not a girl... However I had the same experiences with my Dad. He always put alcohol before me. I did live with him for a year when I was trying to escape my stepdad who physically abused me but then when my dad started to starve me because he wanted beer instead getting me and my sister food, or beat me, or even pour beer over me because he thought it would be funny.. all that time I was just a 9 year old. I really think that experiences with my dad are mostly what made me who I am today.
  4. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I grew up with a useless father who was more interested in women, gambling and alcohol.
    He was never around, never spent his money on us, the most he ever said to me was "get me a beer out of the fridge"... I could go on and on but basically he was just a useless waste of space in his 20s, 30s and 40s.
    Now that he is in his late 50s, and his children are all adults he wants to have a relationship with us.
    The only person who has allowed that to happen is my older half-sister and this is because she didn't grow up with him so she hasn't experienced all of his sh*t. My brother and I have - and we want nothing more to do with him.

    My Dad is definitely mostly to blame for ruining my life, he screwed us over mentally and monetarily, he made my mum unhappy so for the most part she worked herself into the ground and stayed away, sending us to babysitters and childminders as often as possible i.e. she was never around because she never wanted to be anywhere near him. And he once even had the nerve to say "plenty of other kids grow up with fathers and they are normal so what is your problem?"

    I'm not sure I could say girls who grew up with fathers are more well adjusted, but I will definitely say those who grew up with two loving parents certainly are. But frankly even if I'd had one things would've been very different. (I find it difficult to blame my mum for this but I still do, why didn't she leave him sooner? She spent 15-20 years dealing with a bad relationship from a mentally abusive man so all she wanted to do was stay away from him and go into her own little shell, but all the while forgetting she had children who needed her and THIS is what fucked us up).

    You're right, people will never understand what it is like unless it has happened to them. You are dealing with someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally but just doesn't. That'd mess anybody up.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I am not a female, however, I had a deadbeat dad as well. He left me and my sisters with my mom. I tried to have a relationship with him. I guess it was easier because I was his son. However, as soon as I did not show his interest in partying and women. He just sort of stopped caring. Now all he does is ride my accomplishments. He only keeps enough contact with me to know what I am doing with my life. Well he used to anyway, I do not answer any more. That way he cannot ride my accomplishments and look like an average father.

    I know I cannot really relate not being female and not being the victim of divorice, my parents were never married. My mom did everything she could to keep me away from my dad. I do resent my dad, when he basically gave up on me when I did not turn out to be what he wanted. However, that is life, sometimes you just have to let go.

    Another thing, guys do not respect girls with fathers more. From what I have seen they respect them less. After all most fathers come in an challenge the guy in question. Having sex with a girl is like slapping the father in the face.

    Hang in there hun. Do not let this get to you. As they say the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.
  6. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    My dad sexually and physically abused me...but there is a very caring and loving man in my life that i am now proud to call my dad :smile:
  7. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Does anybody here believe that our parents set us up for how our future relationships will develop?
    I read that somewhere... I'm almost 27 and have not managed ONE successful relationship. If my parents were anything to go by then it's definitely true, they were a mess of a couple.
  8. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    i think so yea... i mean im always nervous when a guy comes on to me...i mean even going out with my previous bf was hard and scary...idk
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Aurora Gory Alice: There have been studies that show that men tend to like women who are like their moms and women like men who are like their fathers. I cannot say for sure myself, as I have only known one female.

    I do believe that our parents guide our views on how relationships are supposed to go. I take my dads view since my mom never really showed me what a relationship is like.

    It is weird the impact our parents have on our lives. Without us even knowing it.
  10. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to believe that we are automatically doomed because of our parents and I know plenty of people who had perfectly happy parents, but ended up divorced and/or in messed up situations. However, for those of us who do not have happy home lives, it seems that we just have to work extra extra hard... BTW- When I speak as a woman without a dad, I also know that being a boy without a dad is just as hard and can have different effects. Just like being a boy without a mother or a girl without a mother. The bottom line is that I think it is important for us to have both parents in the same house and happy, so we can see the different gender roles and experience what a good relationship is supposed to be. I am lucky that I had my grandparents, but it doesn't make the situation with my father any better.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It was very hard so very hard not having one never included in anything very poor many letters written but no even on his death bed he disowned his own children i am sorry your father has done the same to you Men can be such self centered assess he not only destroyed his family but another family as well. I hope he is suffering now im sorry but he didn't care for anyone but him I do believe a girl without a father is a target for sexual abuse he knew we had no father noone to defend us if we had a father maybe just maybe things would have been differnet
  12. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    My parents split up when I was 2 and mom had many many boyfriends through the years. I didn't know any of them as 'dad' and only ever witnessed them being violent and disrespectful towards her. Grew up around alot of drunks and stoned people... which is the reason that I don't drink and have never cared to try doing drugs.

    My dad lived 6 hours away and worked all the time. He paid child support and sent us gifts but my older sister and I only ever saw him a couple of times a year- when he had the time off to have us over.
    I know now that he was really torn up; not being able to see us every day, but as a child I thought he didn't care.
    I thought men in general didn't really care.

    As a teenager, my mom was dating this guy for a really long time- and he was actually signed as my legal guardian. I still never called him 'dad' but he was the best male role model that I had in my life. (even though he was a drug addict- he had a good heart and was good at giving advice)

    To be honest though, my experiences as a child made me unable to trust men in general. I trusted one at one time and he broke my heart-- and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or depend on one (or anyone) ever again. Just depend on yourself; and no one else. It's the only way you can't get hurt by liars. -___-

    I know that I'm very different from girls who grew up with fathers-- or whose families are still together, but it's fine. I feel like I have a more realistic view of the world we live in and the people in it than thinking that life is all sunshine and rainbows- all men are prince charming(s)- and marriage and babies come together; bundled up with love and warm feelings.
  13. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for at least putting some type of a positive spin on this. I never thought about it that way! You are soooo right and in a way, maybe I am lucky that I have a more realistic view on life. I guess that is one advantage we have over those who grew up with happy families.
    Anyway, I'm very happy to have found this forum with all of you and I appreciate all the responses sooo much. :))) At least when we have nobody for support, we can all take a tiny bit of comfort in knowing that we have each other.