Give me a reason to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RumoursOfMyDemise, Nov 29, 2011.

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  1. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    I'm just sick of everything. Sick of this shitty life. Sick of my family having ZERO understanding of depression and of me. Sick of my dad using every opportunity he can to bring me down. I'm sick of having no friends. Sick of the social anxiety. Sick of the SAD. Sick of the same pointless shit every day. Sick of the same four walls. Sick of the same meaningless existence. Sick of never fitting in anywhere. Sick of the memories. Sick of the anxiety. Sick of the derealisation and depersonalisation. Sick of both the physical and mental pain. Sick of the incessant loneliness. Sick of watching everyone else at university talk to friends and have the time of their lives while I'm barely managing to stay alive. Sick of psychiatrists who only make things worse. Sick of studying. Sick of being overweight and unattractive. Sick of the scars that years of bullying have left. Sick of being tortured by my own mind. Sick of having to pretend that everything is fucking wonderful and I've never felt better. Sick of superficial conversations that don't lead anywhere. Sick of the vast majority of people being so ignorant when it comes to anything. Sick always feeling exhausted. Sick of those long, lonely nights where all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. Sick of never having had a genuine connection with anyone. Sick of being criticised for things which I can't help. Sick of the nausea. Sick of the back pain. Sick of having to hide everything. Sick of people. Sick of living in a life that is never gonna change. Sick of life altogether. It won't be long now...
  2. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    Hi RumoursOfMyDemise.

    I hope you hang in there: life can be better. I also had social anxiety and GAD, and overweight and just hated myself because of that. At one point I wanted to kill myself, but I just kept going on, without hope or anything in the beginning.

    What worked great for me was doing a serious exercise program. This is safe, because you don't have to interact with people (no problems with social anxiety). And I don't think it will worsen your GAD.

    The thing about exercise is this: you feel better, look better, become more confident and feel attractive. And besides that, you learn about setting attainable and realistic goals. These skills you can take with you all your life.

    I can see you are stuck, like there's no way out anymore, there's no more hope. But for me at least, doing fitness seriously made all the difference. It was the beginning of a new life.

    Have you ever seriously and consistently tried a fitness program? It's the best first step you can take to overcome your problems.

    Life without hope is basically nothing. I learned to always GIVE myself hope, by undertaking little goals, like going to the gym. When I was sweating in the gym, I would see pretty girls and cool friends in front of me, and this really kept me going.

    That's really it: you must give yourself hope, or life just becomes too hard. The life you described just seems to hard and difficult, and if you don't have hope for a better future life just becomes unbearable. Please try doing fitness seriously some time; it's the best way to give yourself hope, and give yourself a chance for a new life.

    Hope just makes life much more bearable, even when you're in serious pain. I know because I went through all that shit. Take care!

    Edit: I just want to add this website: It's a great place to learn about fitness and health. I used to read and post there a lot when I was doing exercise.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2011
  3. jht9663

    jht9663 Member

    Dear RumorsOfMyDemise,

    Thank you for posting and expressing your feelings. Indeed I have had these same feelings too. It took practically a year of going in and out of psychiatric units to treat my depression, but it was totally worth it. I am now on my way, as a high school student, to living a pretty productive life.

    Although you are not in the same situation as I am, we still have a lot in common. I know that because of the feelings I had of hopelessness, my family not loving me, and being sick of the stigma surrounding depression. Your situation may be worse than it was for me- I have no idea. But I can say this:

    Things CAN get better. You already have done step 1 of the recovery process, by identifying all of your specific feelings of hopelessness and pain. What I ended up doing for my depression (after months and months of being forced to do the therapy that the psychiatrists wanted me to do) was I created my own version of psychotherapy. Unique to me. I had lots of fun doing it, and it also helped me get better in the process. Maybe this can be an option for you?

    Either way, please talk to me about this so I can try to help.

    With warm regards,
  4. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    That's pretty amazing. How on earth did you manage that, if you don't mind me asking?

    I have tried exercising a lot, although never had a 'serious' exercise routine or anything like that. I'd just been going cycling around 3-4 times a week, up until around a week and a half ago. I feel like I just don't have the energy anymore. It always seems ridiculously easy for me to put weight on, but an uphill battle to even maintain my weight, never mind lose weight. I seriously doubt anything is going to make me look or feel more attractive though. But yeah...exercise would probably help a lot, if I could find both the time and energy. I've pretty much given up on losing weight, but at least it might make me feel temporarily non-suicidal. Thanks for the link, btw.

    HOW? How on earth have you people been through so much shit and came out on the other side in a better state? That baffles me... I really don't see things ever getting better for myself.

    Might try psychotherapy, but like I said, I have serious doubts that things will ever get better.
  5. whydoes

    whydoes Member

    I want you to know that you do not have to kill yourself at the gym to feel good about yourself. I am so depressed and suicidal right now that I can't give you any advice. I just want you to know that I have faith in you and believe you are a wonderful human.
  6. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I actually forgot to mention that my SA is so bad that going to the gym is pretty much impossible for me right now.

    Thank you. And I want you to know that I believe the same about you.
  7. alixer

    alixer SF Supporter

    You have back pain? I do as well. It's horrible. I wouldn't wish it on an enemy. I'm sorry you have to suffer it. What kind is it?
  8. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member

    Yes, I think it runs in the family. I dunno what 'kind' it is, but my dad has suffered from Scoliosis in the past. My back pain isn't that bad yet, but I constantly have to snap my vertebrae back into place, as disgusting as that might sound (I have to do this at least 5 times a day). My joints are very much the same - both my ankles, a couple of my toes, my wrists, my knees, my neck, sometimes my hips, and just in the last couple of days, my right shoulder has gone as well. And I'm only 17 - I feel like an old woman... :blink: I don't know if the back problems are purely to do with my poor posture... It's usually bearable, but occasionally it gets really bad. I always seem to develop 'snapping' or clicking in a joint that was previously fine when I'm going through a tough time with regards to my mood/ stress.
  9. alixer

    alixer SF Supporter

    My, my, that does sound rough. I'm familiar with daily adjustments. Have doctors told you if you stretch and exercise you should avoid developing more problems?
  10. RumoursOfMyDemise

    RumoursOfMyDemise Well-Known Member My doctors are useless. :tongue: All they did was give me some cream that does nothing but make my back smell like rotten fish... :huh:
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