Hi, I used to be registered on this site about 4 years ago under a different username. I've hit the bottom again and I'm looking for some support. If I'd have known another half decade of these feelings was on its way I would have preferred an end but I didn't take it. Even though I get better and I have good times and good things in my life I find it is all still there under the surface waiting to pull my under. I don't know if I can fight it again. Each time I'm less strong. I've had illness to deal with, it has thrown the balance right out. I remember being depressed from childhood. It has been a constant companion. I was always both in my life and outside of it. Can anyone else relate? I had to have an abortion at 15 (don't want any feedback about this by the way) and I remember looking myself really hard in the mirror afterwards seeing a new person and telling myself that it hadn't taken away my core, my self. I found a refuge in being me, completely alone in the world with nobody, no support, no love. But there was some comfort that I still had me, my words and thoughts. But now I find that I don't have that refuge anymore, I'm not as strong and I can't retreat into myself and feel okay. I want to find that refuge again, that place where I have myself and I'm okay on my own. I wasn't thinking about suicide back then, it started a few years later. I don't know if I will ever take this step but the thought of it is a heavy burden to bear. I think the will to live is strong in me because I've put up with years of feeling like this. I am aware that after all this time it becomes really difficult to resolve anything, move on from anything, and the potential trigger becomes something smaller. The doctor gave me a questionnaire and it says: in the past TWO WEEKS, do you have thoughts of hurting yourself? That your life is a waste and you are a burden etc etc? I think, two weeks - what about 15 years? What has two weeks got to do with it? I'd be over the moon if it had been two weeks. I've had some counseling over the past year but tbh I find it a complete waste of time, I am really so good at talking myself in and out of things it has become part of my problem, I've explored all the avenues and ways of modulating my thought I just don't think there is much more worth thinking about it all. I think it would have really helped at the beginning though - so if anyone listening is at the beginning of their journey then please consider the talking option. I've got citalopram, does anyone use this? I will try it unless you all think it is a bad idea when I am so low as I can't tell the doctor about the suicide thoughts, I don't want to be taken away to hospital and I hate to admit that I want to kill myself because I'm afraid of the judgment and the attitude that people have about it, it being weak etc. Sorry for long post, looking for any thoughts that help you. Don't want any encouragement towards ending it thanks. Sending out much love to all of the people out there who feel this.