Im going completely nuts, Im even crying, tho second time this month, for me that says enough, because i cry like 3-5 times a year. I hate to cry, it reminds of all those times I used to cry, all those freaking horrible times, it just makes me feel worser, its not a relief. Im such a pathetic whiner. Im so weak. I dont like to show myself like this and probly i will delete this all before sending. Tho I wish for once i could just really post this, not sure if someone will read it, but I cant constantly pretend im ok, cheering others up. This is just really hard, to let this out. Im sorry, i wish i could cheer everyone up here, make them feel at least a little better, but atm I just cant. I dont know anymore what i want with my life. The past weeks, my bulimia kinda controlled my life again. And im not sure if it felt good or wrong. I had such a good feeling, even the binging felt good. But I know damn well, that its not good. But yet I cant say it to myself, I cant make stop me from binging, starving, puking. I dont know if i feel so bad, because i dont know what side to chose, the fighting in my head etc or because of that this way of living just fucks up my life. If it fucks up my life, why do i keep thinking about it everyday, why do i wish i never went to therapy for it, why do i wish i will take over everything again, i dont know why. Should i keep fighting for it, my whole life? or just give myself over, give up??