Hmm guess ill just write this out then maybe i can stop thinking because i honestly couldnt give a sh*t what happens to me anymore. so..where to begin..so like i posted before..i talked to someone about the stuff i hadnt talked about and you know what there was a reason i didnt talk about it, because i didnt really believe it all and got to believe it wasnt that big a deal, now it wont go away..stupid memories all the time. dreams..nightmares i guess..stuff that happened every time i close my eyes, wake up panicking trying to convince myself it not real but it was so whats the difference. cant sleep. barely slept for days. exhausted from having to pretend to be fine even more than usual over the weekend from having someone to stay. im sober now but this is the first time ive been sober in i think 3 days. but everything doesnt go away even with the alcohol so whats the point. just makes it easier i guess. run out now anyway. shaking grr. oh and got the images and crap in my head back of things i want to do, nasty SI related things really nice and graphic they are, wont go away so thats terrific. Today was bad for reasons i cant post but lets say it was bad, lots of tears and alcohol and pretending to be sober walking around town with flatmates when was completely wasted. trying not to just burst into tears. oh well seems im good at hiding that. so thats useful. havent spoken to my tutor or my parents which was meant to do to leave uni, just lied again, why the f*ck am i still lying? why the hell did i drink when i knew i had to do this today? when i eventually do get round to it which to be fair i only have what 2 weeks left great, i dont have a job. or money. or anywhere to go. how terrific. but you know i dont even care anymore. i dont care if i have to end up back at parents, with dad. couldnt give a sh*t right now. and who cares about the future right? who needs ambitions and plans...i give up. and im not able to give up completely so ill just let my life become as miserable as it will. because i deserve it anyway. because im an evil little slut bitch messes everything up and makes everything worse for everyone but those few people wont let me go so fine ill just punish myself for being here anyway. seems im pretty good at it. and make myself into an even more evil human being. and then theyll all have to hate me. then theyll wish i was gone. and ill only be too happy to make their wishes come true. who said i had no ambition?