Given my last shot, I give up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by yous, May 26, 2010.

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  1. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I have been suffering from chronic depression since my early 20's and now I'm in my mid 30's. I gotten this far because of my persistent to move on and try to think positive despite all of the negative that has happened around me. I have crashed hard in some earlier years but forced myself to pick me up again only for life to fail on me more worse than I could possibly expect. I don't know what it is about my life that makes it so difficult for me to find a solution for. Every aspect of my life whether it be with jobs, family, friends, etc has failed on me. I try so hard on my end to achieve the goals that normal people do, but I always am at the short end of the stick, the worst position people wouldn't hate to see themself in.
    Just recently I tried to start a new "hobby" and again the repeated bad experiences and results that has always plagued my life ended up in worse, negative outcome than I could possibly imagine, making me give up all hope once in for all.

    I need a miracle, someone to save me. Someone save my life please.
  2. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    And yet you post here. ;)

    Have you tried getting touch with people IRL who also have depression? That might help. To talk to people with the same problems.
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really glad you posted here; there are many people who are struggling and might be able to relate to how you feel, Please keep talking, and try to hold on.
  4. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I post here, in hoping someone or thing can save me (talking/hearing me out). And I can finally see the light of day. Because I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO TURN TO :sad:

    so please just keep talking to me or I swear I'm going off in the deep end and I don't want to!
  5. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    what is IRL? No I don't want to go to anyone for help. the last time I did try to get 'help' they bailed on me.
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am glad you posted and have found us here at SF.
    I know what it is like to have IRL - In Real Life- people bail on you...we just seem too intense for others and they simply do not know what to say to us regarding our thoughts and feelings. I truly believe you will find that people here do not bail on you but instead are able to relate and provide comfort to you as well as guidance through the pain that prevails in our lives.
    Do you mind sharing a bit about what has got you down?
    It really helps to talk a bit and I am sure there are many here that can relate to your pain on one level or another. We are often all we have so please feel free to lean on us as much as you need and allow us into your life so that we may give you the caring support you so deserve.
    I am around a lot so feel free to PM me if that is easier for you...take care and keep posting-it helps!!
  7. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I don't know even how to begin. There are just so many areas in my life that is failing. But in general:

    1. Family - I come from a life that truly has a lack of people in which provides support and happiness needed to thrive. In fact everyone around me related, is in competition mode. So if I were to ever have a family gathering it'll be somebody else better at you in a career, family, kids, whatever they can muster up just to make YOU look pathetic. (That in itself breaks you. It was so bad that my own uncle isolated himself and I nor nobody has seen him in years because he was so ashamed of himself. It has been so bad that my dad tried so hard to impress, he ended up having a heart attack). Once that is understood, my immediate family would spend 90% of time blaming each other for mistakes, regret, and unfortunate stupidity that just makes life worthless and makes whoever idealistically they have in mind so much better than me. "so and so's daughter can do so much more than you can," they would say or think.

    2. People in general - This includes friends, coworkers, basically everyone I have come across in my entire life. Again its a competition mode or jealousy or whatever it is that is bothering them, I come along and they find reason to dislike me. I have no idea why this is. I sometimes feel its like an evil trick being played on me. I am usually a genuine, funloving, happy person who never boast about myself, who always compliments and listens. I admire people and their efforts. I support them. I try to be happy and I am there for them. But they fall short. Some reason this is not what they need in their life??! The fact this happens prevents me with the ability to network for jobs or information about anything and I end up alone and lonely and having to do everything myself if I even have the energy for it anymore!

    I wouldn't say I entirely give up, but I am close to it. I try hard not to enter a dark zone. I watch what I eat, exercise, take vitamins to increase my mood, try to do things that would make me happy. The other day I was telling my mom, this isn't fair! I am a smart person, pretty, fortunate, and all around I am happy. I shouldn't be depressed. Nobody deserves to be depressed! I know if somebody could give me a chance, they would find a really, really good friend in me. But nobody even gets far enough to get to know me. I make efforts to initiate interest or go out there to try, but everything has in some form or another failed on me. I don't even have any expectations on the outcome. And in fact why would anyone do anything if they didn't think it might have some small chance of going somewhere. But in the end the results are always bad, in fact worse than I expected. Recently, I tried getting to know people. It has come to the point where we get to know each other and then they drop me! Just like that. For no reason I can think of! There was no arguments, no bad conversation. History repeats itself.

    I'm in my mid-30's living with my parents with absolutely no friends. I've never been on a date before, never had anyone interested in me(even as a friend); all my jobs have been some internship or volunteer work that has me sit there wondering if there is work for me to even do. I try hard to go to college, gain skills, keep focus, but days have swallowed me to the point I have no morale anymore. Will I ever go anywhere? Will I ever be in a society's mainstream??? Will I be somebody?!!

    Please someone help me save myself!

    Thank you Bambi for your words of kindness and support.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Don't give up.. Right now focus on yourschooling..When you get your degree you will be in a better position to make friends and find a girlfriend..Your not missing anything.. True love will show itself when you are ready..
  9. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    That's the point, school also has not been going well at all. In fact it has only cost me more money and pain...its another huge bad impact in my life that has gone terribly wrong that I have dropped out.
  10. LifeIsAMasquerade

    LifeIsAMasquerade New Member

    You point number 2 about friends.... I feel 100% like you do. Last year I had 3 jobs... in all of them no one liked me for whatever reason, I tried to befriend people, talk with them, listen, transmit happiness, help them but for some reason I ended up as not being likable. I'm in college and the process repeats.

    Tired of my life like this. Nothing would made me happier than dying... feels so good thinking how good it must be not to feel anything, to be dead.
  11. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I'm right there with ya'. I was just saying I was sooooo tired of my life like this. I mean really! People don't want kindness?? A good listener and friendship???! Geez. What do people want jerks?! I went from job to job to job with endless, mindless nonsense, and now I am college repeats as well. Thanks for your post. I hate life. I hate it!
  12. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I was feeling better earlier, but now I think I'm going down again. What is going on?? Why is it so much work just to stay or at least maintain a certain level of normal? Why must life be so difficult? Will I ever be myself?
  13. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    yea.. I have the same problem during the day. My moods change every 30 minutes it seems. I know for me, I feel less shitty when Im goofing off with people online or doing somthing productive like drawing or poetry. I know that dosent work for everyone or in every situation, but I know it somtimes works for me. Some people also find it helpful to vent their feelings to others. If you want to talk or vent, Im here. Hope you feel better.
  14. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    @Swift Glad to see I'm not only one where moods fluxes as well. However even though at itmes I try to to keep my mind occupied with things to do, sometimes I just can't. I am so depressed I can't do anything but wallowing in self depression. It has prevented me a lot from finishing important goals I set for myself. And I miss deadlines often. I have to let the wave past before I can proceed. And this sometimes can take up full weeks! Sleeping and coping, it's like being sick!

    Any advice on how to work with a consciously depressed mind? How do I put thoughts and feelings aside and still function and get work done? Please help.
  15. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Its kind of hard to simply "push away" from being depressed. A lot of the time it isnt possible to even do anything besides sit and cry, or isolate. When Im conciously depressed and beyond coping skills, I become obsessed with dark feelings.

    It takes a lot of time and looking in at yourself to find the point were you start to become sad or depressed. Once you find that spot of transition, even if its short, you can then try to work with it to prevent yourself from becoming worse and obsessing over negitive thoughts. (This may take a while to figure out, and it may not be helpful in every situation.)

    Thats were you start using "coping skills." Granted some coping skills make it worse and some dont do anything for you. Finding out what coping skill is right for you in certain situations take a lot of trial and error. Some coping skills dont work the first time either.

    When Im starting to become depressed I have a list in my head of a few basic things I enjoy like drawing, listening to music, or imagining I am a wolf out in the country (inside my mind).

    I also tend to be distracted a lot though since I have ADD and It also took a while for me not to become frusterated with my drawings because I have OCD.

    Anyways, loosing track of what I was saying. XD

    If you take the mental breaks you need, the way you need them (as in taking them without feeling anxious or guilty about it), it may help you re-focus on what you need to do. Dosent always, but it can.

    Also, maybe your depressed because your goal(s) might be too easy or too difficult for you. Ive found that It makes me feel more depressed and less goal oriented when either the school work I get is too easy for me, or when I am asked to do a task I cannot give my full effort to and/or succsseed in.

    So to try and breifly answer you questions, I sugest trying to find your transition point and work with it. You dont need to try and become rid of the sadness compleately. Just learn to make the darkness seem less dark, by focusing on things arround you or good things you immagine inside your mind.

    Putting feelings aside or working with them is extreamly difficult. Ive found that trying to hide or avoid the feeling, good or bad, only makes the feeling negitively intensify. Try not to avoid it, simply allow it, but try not to obsess over it either. as one person told me, "Dont give it that much power over you." I still have trouble with this though.

    A lot of intence feelings need to be released, even though they arent always pleasant. Not releasing them only tripples their power. When you can, just let the feelings come. Crying is good for you. Ive been told "its ok to cry" by a lot of people. Although, somtimes you can be beyond crying, and thats ok too as long as you find somthing to help your mind not obsess over the darkness and negitive feelings.

    wow.. I wrote a lot. >_<'

    Sorry for being so long winded. I hope maybe somthing in there will be helpful for you.
  16. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    It would seem that I have put your suggestion to the test and from the moment I felt alright I monitored myself until I hit the low and in that transition I tried to refrain myself from falling to deep. I figured I cope better if I just have someone, anyone talk to me. Could be about anything. Nonsense. Just to keep my head from thinking. I also found out my depression hits me the hardest when I'm alone or while I'm lying in bed tossing and turning thinking about my depression.

    It was great you wrote a lot. It helped me understand and figure a plan to cope. I've been in such bad situation before, cried for days, everything was gray. There were days I would try to pick myself up only for the entire day to pass while my mind could not shake depressive thoughts. It's really difficult dealing with it, but hopefully I can learn to balance it as it comes and goes. Thanks so much Swift for your post. It made me feel better.
  17. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    um.. no problem.. hope your feeling a bit better.
  18. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to cope with it for now. Keep my mind focused and leave the negative behind. I don't know when it will creep up on me, though I still have suicidal thoughts everyday. I make an effort to try to make things better so that should be a good sign, though I'm not sure how long I can keep this up.
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